Thursday - The Card

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about Mother's Day and how every year I have a hard time finding just the right card to buy for That Woman My Father Is Married To. Mother's Day is less than a month away, so I need to start looking for one now. You see, greeting cards are funny things for my family. They are exchanged on certain holidays for reasons having more to do with diplomacy than affection.

Hallmark Cards does not print a Mother's Day card that suits my needs. They have cards for stepmothers, but they all have lines in them that say, "you are so much like a real mother to me and I'm so glad to have you as a part of my life." I would sooner gouge my eyes out with a hot fire poker than send That Woman My Father Is Married To a card like that. I'm not looking for an honest, heartfelt greeting card. Hallmark would not print one that really expresses my sentiments:

To My Stepmother:
I don't really like you very much,
but I hope that your Mother's Day is not unpleasant.
All I want is a card that says,

To My Stepmother:
Have a Happy Mother's Day.
That's all I want to say.

I don't want to say anything about love or affection or give any indication of a parental bond. Just a mid-priced card with a pleasant picture on it that those of us who have a stepmother that we don't care much about can send in order to be diplomatic and that will keep us in the good graces of our fathers. No one prints this card, though, or at least I haven't been able to find one in the 15 years I've been searching for one. If some greeting card company somewhere would print it, I bet it would be a best seller.

For the record, I'm a step mother myself. I like my stepson, though I rarely see him. He's a good kid. But since I had no part in raising him, I would not expect him to buy me a card telling me that he loves me as much as the mother who did. That would be silly and insincere on both of our parts.

Families don't always blend as well as the people at Hallmark Cards seem to think they do. I have known people who really do love their stepparents as much as or more than their biological parents. When that happens, I think that it's great. Love and affection are good things, and having them for the people in your family and in your life in general are also good things. I'm all for it, and in a perfect world as families would blend so beautifully. However, not all families produce a smooth blend. There are plenty that end up with a lumpy mix of conflicting personalities and viewpoints. I can't count the number of people who, hearing me call my stepmother "That Woman My Father Is Married To," comment with, "Yeah, my Dad has one of those, too."

Maybe someday, the printers of greeting cards will hear my plea and each year offer up just one Mother's Day card that is friendly, but not insipidly affectionate. Until then, I will buy the cards that say something like, "To a really nice person in my life / I hope your Mother's Day brings you everything you deserve!" I'm not sure who exactly the intended recipients of these cards are, but I'm fairly certain that they go out to a lot of stepmothers. I'm hoping mine won't ask me what exactly I think she deserves for Mother's Day, either. Telling her would not keep me in my father's good graces, and I will have wasted $3.50 on the card.

Comments

[creactivity.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should invent the line of cards that meets these needs. I'm sure a lot of people agree with you. They could be called something like "Minimal Sentiment Cards" for those that don't have a lot of emotion to express. Of course, the name of the brand would have to be worded more carefully on the back of the card. :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Heh. There's an idea. How about "Simple Sentiments?" It's more neutral.

What a concept. Birthday cards that just say, "Happy Birthday." Christmas cards that just say, "Merry Christmas." They could feature great artwork and be printed on high-quality paper, but have bare basic messages for those who like their greetings free of saccharine. Now I just need a venture capitalist give me the cash to get me off the ground...

[adamant-turtle.livejournal.com]

"Minimal Sentiment"! Bwah!

I don't think that would fly...'cause simple generally equals "can't charge as much." :-/

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

does she have an email? maybe one of those aweful e cards would work? Or maybe a postcard. something with just enough space to write "happy mothers day" and nothing more? :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She has email, but they display all of the cards on a side table in the dining room for everyone to see. I have to send something physical to get credit. :P

[tatyannamw.livejournal.com]

hmmm...sounds a bit familiar

My Stepmother...dad's 3rd wife...is only two years older than me. She is 39...he is 62. And that's fine...but it took her 8 years to realize she could NEVER be a mother figure to me...especially since my OWN mom is my best friend. JUST recently my step mom admitted this to me and said she hopes I can forgive her for anything she may have doen to hurt me in the past(and did she ever!) and that she hopes we can be friends as in reading my LJ(yay LJ) she has realized we have a lot in common.

I am pretty lucky that she has seen the light...so to speak.

I really like your card text. Wish we were brave enough...eh?

*sigh*

maybe we could lobby to Hallmark for a wishy washy step mom card.

"I'm really sad that you are such a wishy washy step mom, but I wish you no ill. Have a nice day!"

~gah

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Mine never tried to be a mother to me. Instead, she saw me as competition and some kind of living link to my father's late wife. Oddly, she didn't view my brothers in this light, only his daughter. For years, there was a low-key but polite hostility between us, where we would be viciously catty to one another and act like we were kidding (neither of us was). Our relationship has gotten somewhat less hostile, or at least less catty, in the last couple of years.

Like I said, this relationship is chunky, not smooth. :P

[tatyannamw.livejournal.com]

grrrrr

I hate that dynamic.

wanna hear something strange? well...even if you don't.. haha

My ex's best friend is female. They have been friend's since college. she treated me like a step mom...she competed with me and saw me as a threat to their relationship. I know this dynamic all too well and damn I hated that B!&*^.

Good luck finding a card.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Our relationship has gotten somewhat less hostile, or at least less catty, in the last couple of years.

That's 'cuz you had a kid. It's hard to "win" a battle against the parent of a grandchild, 'cuz you just supplied the one thing she'll never be able to give your father... immortality!

Here's an idea for a card: "You and I may not be the best of friends, but you make my father happy, so here's my sincere wish for a Happy Mother's Day." Or have I been reading too much Jane Austen?

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

I remember this debate from past years, and certainly appreciate the sentiment, although not from a personal point of view. In the long view, I think I agree that getting Hallmark or other heavy hitters to grant this wish is a false hope.

In the short view, I see that making a card, using the best card stock you can find at the Office Depot is a very good answer. It gives you the chance to say exactly what is appropriate; and still make it personal. It also gives you the chance to have it displayed with the rest, as the card stock is the same stuff that they use to produce them normally.

I wish I had the venture capital to invest in this idea! It's not likely to be as huge as Hallmark, but sure has a niche that would keep it profitable!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

If I made her a card from scratch, that really would imply that I cared. Oh no, not gonna go there.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I like the donation to motherless children idea. I think it makes a kind of subtle statement in my case. :)

[uawildcatgrl.livejournal.com]

you could MAKE a card!

;)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Making her a card is a little to much like what a child does for a parent that they love. I don't want to sent her the wrong message.

[uawildcatgrl.livejournal.com]

yeah, I just completely blow my stepmonster off on mother's day...since she was never REALLY a mother to me anyway...and since she's currently a crackhead...I doubt she notices or cares...I was just thinking if you made one it could say exactly what you want it to say.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"Bite Me?"

[uawildcatgrl.livejournal.com]

Now there's a sentiment...I think you should write for hallmark!

;P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Saying what I really want to say to her would be VERY bad idea. I'd be written out of the will for sure!

[uawildcatgrl.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling...that's why I just ignore my stepmonster...

[whirring-mind.livejournal.com]

That's so unfair. There's BILLIONS of generic "Happy Birthday" cards out there!

Maybe you could buy one of those and cross out the "birth" and write "mother's" above it. Then it's got that personal touch.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

There's an idea. Considering I'm known for being a cheapskate, it would give a really personal touch that I'm recycling a card from another event.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's more complicated than that.

The joke in my family is to walk by the table where the cards are displayed, look at them all and say, "Let's see who's still in the will."

I don't buy the card for her, I buy it for my father because it means something to him that I do this. I don't give a rat's ass about her feelings, but I do care about those of the only parent I have.

Besides, her children, who have a LOUSEY excuse for a father, lavish cards and affection on my dad, so there's an element of competition involved. I can't have them coming across as more thoughful than my father's children. By buying her a card, I'm taking one for the team.