ninanevermore | Monday - Boys and Dolls

Since this last Saturday, I've been thinking that it's a bad idea to let 11-year-old boys play with Barbie dolls. I'm not saying that playing with Barbies will warp an 11-year-old boy. I'm saying that 11-year-old boys are inherently warped and can't be trusted to play nice when given a doll shaped like an 11-inch-tall grown woman with large breasts.

I learned this lesson at the birthday party for my cousin Mike's 5-year-old daughter this weekend. The oldest of the children present was the 11-year-old son of Mike's neighbor. My cousin calls this child "Darwin Boy," because his father buys him things like motorized go-carts and lets him drive them at top speed down the curvy road they live on (whish has a speed limit of 60 mph) with out adult supervision, much less a helmet. Mike assumes it is only a matter of time before his neighbor's bad parenting results in the fruit of his loins being removed from the gene pool.

D.B. was not there because he likes to attend birthday parties for 5-year-old girls. D.B. was only willing to endure pink party favors and babyish silliness in order to score some free cake. But there is a lot of silliness to endure at a little girl's party, and a boy gets bored. While the birthday girl unwrapped what seemed like dozens of presents and the living room carpet disappeared under a blanket of pink and purple tissue paper, I noticed D.B. out of the corner of my eye. He was kneeling in front of Mike's daughter's doll house, undressing all of her Barbie dolls. After the gift unwrapping wound down and all the kids fled the room to get cake, I glanced at the doll house and noticed what he'd had been up to. I called one of my other cousin's, Aly, over to see.

"Oh my God," I said, pointing to the Barbies, "What a disgusting little pervert."

Aly agreed that he was. She reached over to pick up one of the dolls, but I stopped her. I wanted to take pictures first. Below are exhibits A through F of why 11-year-old boys should not play with Barbie dolls.

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I think putting Snow White's head in the toilet was a nice touch.

Ballerina Barbie and Malibu Barbie, it turns out, are more than "just good friends" like they've led everyone to believe.

Snow White (yes, the Snow White) is not as pure as the stories would have you believe. Not only does she have a potty mouth, her mind is in the toilet.

In addition to what was happening upstairs in the bathroom, they were cooking up some hot fun downstairs in the kitchen, as well. Note the overturned wine glass under the kitchen table – I think it explains a lot.

Babies Gone Wild! Real Barbies, doing things you always dreamed they did in their Dream House!

I sat poor Snow White up so she could see what was going on in the room. I figured her neck had to be killing her by then.

I can only imagine what kind of shenanigans would have ensued had a Ken doll been present. Then again, Ken is a fairly reserved guy. At least my Ken doll was. Had G.I. Joe and his soldier buddies shown up, no telling what kind of debauchery would have ensued.

After I documented the plastic decadence, I dressed all the Barbie dolls and sat them around the house in respectable poses so that their young mistress would never have any idea what they'd been up too when she wasn't looking. By the time I walked out of the room D.B. had left, having scored the free cake he'd come for in the first place.

As for the Barbie dolls, I'm sure they were embarrassed after they'd all sobered up a bit. When I'd agreed to come to a little girl's 5th birthday celebration, I had no idea just what kind of party I was going to see. It makes me wonder what my own Barbie dolls did when I wasn't around. At times, I had brothers who were 11 years old, too.

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Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Saber Dance by Khachaturian