Thursday - Bringing it in with a bang

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about New Years Eve, which I got to spend with my husband this year. In the almost 18 years we've been a couple, we have only spent a few New Years Eves together. Usually, due to his work schedule, I've either spent them with other people in a bar or alone feeling sorry for myself. I hate to admit it, but some of the best New Years Eves I've had have been without him. Jeff is a bit of a misanthrope: the idea of being in a large crowd of people makes him irritable, and the reality of being dragged to a gathering of people makes him insufferable. This being the case, we opted to stay home, drink a bottle of wine, and blow things up in our back yard.

We blew a lot of things up. Big things. This is one of the advantages to living in a rural area; you can set off amazing fireworks in a residential area and not have the police show up (unless they happen to like the show and want to blow things up along with you). Other people in our neighborhood were also blowing things up, and it looked and sounded like a war zone. Christmas is about a silent night; one week later you get to make noise.

I have made a mental note to myself that Jeff is no longer allowed to visit the Giant Fireworks Warehouse up the road without a chaperon to make sure that he doesn't go overboard. When I went, I spent $42 and felt a little guilty for wasting that much money. I don't know what Jeff spent, and having seen what he brought home I don't want to know. Men get competitive about things sometimes, and to them size really does matter. Size matters to women, too, but not as much as most men think it does. When a woman thinks of size - whether it is in relation to a diamond, fireworks, a car, or that other thing you are thinking of - she thinks, "Large is good, but only within reason." Men think, "What's the biggest size possible?"

For example, I brought home a few fountain fireworks like these:



The typical fountain firework is about the size and shape of a bong (I'll plead the 5th on how I know this). On the other hand, the fountain that Jeff brought home was larger than some trashcans I've owned. Then there was the box-shaped thing the size of two car batteries duct taped together. I had purchased one of these boxes, myself; mine was the size of a box of Girl Scout cookies.

"I feel inadequate," I told Jeff, as we compared our stashes.

"Don't, honey," he said, "I think yours are cute."

"This is a guy thing, isn't it? That fountain is obviously a phallic symbol for you. It's a giant penis that shoots fire."

Jeff denied this and said that he simply wanted to celebrate in a big way since he so rarely gets the opportunity.

Needless to say, we set my "cute" fireworks off first and saved his for midnight. At the dawn of the new year, we lit the giant penis and the glorious multi-colored box and the sky over our backyard lit up in a state of pyrotechnic orgasm that my sweetheart and I kissed beneath the glow of. The penis shot a series of rockets that exploded into white sparks (no kidding) high above us in the air. The box sent up a series of 24 multicolored explosions with accompanying whistles and pops. I tried to sing Auld Lang Syne, but I couldn't hear myself over the sounds of the explosions emanating from my yard and the yards around us.

"I liked the box better than the penis," I observed when the din finally subsided after 10 minutes or so.

"Really?" Jeff asked, "I guess I did, too. But don't you think the penis was fun?"

"It was okay," I said, "But it didn't do that much for me. Next time I think you should get two boxes and set them off at the same time."

My husband got a cheesy grin on his face. I nudged him with my elbow.

"I'm talking about fireworks. I don't know what you're thinking about."

"Oh, nothing," he said, still grinning, "Nothing at all."



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Comments

get two boxes

[regatomic.livejournal.com]

i didn't think the same thing,..o.o

Re: get two boxes

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Of course you didn't! ~_^

[creactivity.livejournal.com]

I was already there with the box and penis thing...and was thinking maybe if the penis was in the box. Etc.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Great minds think alike. ^_^

But I think if the penis had been put on top of the box, the box (being more powerful) would have blown it over and caused it to set my lawn on fire. The analogy just gets scary from that point on...

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

OMG...Greg would say the same thing.... Boxes and penises...

We don't do that stuff around here. Of course I live in a busy-body town. They'll call the cops on ANYTHING... And fireworks are illegal in Iowa, not that it stops everyone. Just cross the border to Missouri and you're in fireworks heaven.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Most of the towns in Texas seem to have ordinances against the fireworks, but I'm in an unincorporated area between two towns - a sort of municipal no-man's land.

[manicmandi.livejournal.com]

When I was kicked out I was staying in Hazy Hollow (Hippie Hollow, Crazy Hollow Etc Etc) and the neighbors were shooting roman candles into the street like 10ft away from me and my dog. I was not so glad there arent ordinances there at the time.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The problem was not that there were fireworks, it's that you were staying in "Sleezy Hollow." That place is just plane scary. I'm not just being mean, either - I've talked to people who lived there and said the same thing.

Lets just say that when Hazy Hollow turns up in the news, it's never because anything good happened there.... o_O

[manicmandi.livejournal.com]

LMAO I know right? It's just not the best neighborhood in the area. Its weird too. Its like all the "bad seeds" migrate to that one spot. Thats ok, let them stay there. That leaves the rest of Magnolia free of it lol.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I like the fact that there's a liquor store right at the entrance of it, so the inhabitants don't have to go into town and mingle with the rest of us.

Didn't they find a body in someone's septic tank out there a few years ago? I think I remember something like that. Nice.

[manicmandi.livejournal.com]

That is very possible. Likely even. Who KNOWS what kinda criminal activities go on there? Thats really Eww though. Cause, think about the psychology behind putting a body in the septic tank. They must have REALLY not liked that person!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but it's handy. If people complain about the smell you can say, "Well, what do you expect? Of course it stinks. It's a septic tank!"

I think it was a guy that the killer thought was messing around with his ol' lady, so no, he didn't like him much.

[manicmandi.livejournal.com]

Ya, don't go messin' 'round with people in the Hollers ol' ladies. That'll get yo ass all messed up fo sho!

Come to think of it, it is a clever way to hide the stinch.

[rumble-bumble.livejournal.com]

njahaha oh yesss. great post. :)
chuckled through it. yup yup.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

^_^

[mugglemomjsw.livejournal.com]

Wow... you guys had some good fireworks!! Meanwhile, between one of the dogs trying to climb up my leg and my son with his head buried in my boobs, we didn't really do many pre-midnight madness. Jackson was scared of the sparklers. HA

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Lucky for us, our 2 year old slept through the fireworks, and our elderly dog is too deaf and blind to be freaked out by them.

I forgot to mention that the sparklers I bought were 8 inches long, while my husband brought home 3-foot-long sparklers. I didn't even know they made sparklers that big!

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Next year, we're coming to your house for NYE! Our NYE was lovely, but it was in a no-fireworks-allowed COUNTY, for frack's sake. Even sparklers were not to be had. So, even if Jeff has to work and you go out partying, Rich and the rugrats and I will simply let ourselves into your backyard have a bang (I did mention rugrats, so no gutter diving, please). :D