Monday - The Cupcake Test

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about the fact that I haven't gotten the hang of this motherhood thing, at least based on the conversation that I had with my son's daycare teacher this morning.

I dropped him off in his classroom, just like it was any other day. But it's not just any other day: he had a birthday on Sunday.

"Did you bring cupcakes for the class?" his teacher asked sweetly.

"Cupcakes?"

"Didn't he have a birthday this weekend?"

"Uhm...yes. Yesterday. He's two. Was I supposed to bring cupcakes?"

"Oh, don't worry about it," she said with a smile, "It's just that some parents do."

"Oh." Damn, I thought. She means most parents do. All of the other mothers except for me. I suck.

"You could bring them tomorrow, if you want," she suggested, still sweetly.

"Tomorrow?"

"It won't be too late."

"Of course not. It'll still be his birthweek."

"But you don't have to. It's up to you. You can just bake some tonight, if you wanted."

"I store things in my oven. I guess I could clean it out." I was thinking out loud at this point. The pressure was getting to me. Cupcakes. I thought I might own a pan for making them. I remembered that I do. It needs washing. It's dusty.

"Clean it out? You don't bake in your oven?"

"Well, sometimes. I take all of the pans out of it when I do." I wasn't just saying this, either. I use that oven a good 4 or 5 times a year, at least.

"It's up to you. It's no big deal."

"OK, then. Maybe tomorrow."

"It's up to you."

Cupcakes. I remembered the flyer his school sent home when I enrolled him. It says that, if they desire, parents can send cupcakes to school with their children on their birthdays to share with the class. It also states that this is optional. I should have known better. It should read, "If you don't love your child very much, you are perfectly free to not send cupcakes to school with him or her. Of course, your child's teachers and the other parents will know that you suck as a mother and will judge you for this. Don't worry, because we at First Baptist Child Care know that not everyone is a loving and competent parent. This is why we have The Cupcake Test to highlight people like you."

I thought that since my son's birthday fell on a weekend, I was exempt from cupcake duty. I also assumed that since he and all of his little classmates are two years old and don't even know what a birthday is, it wouldn't be a big deal. This is what I get for thinking.

Damn.

I guess I'll be stopping off at the store on my way home today. I know for a fact that they sell ready-made cupcakes in the bakery there. I can take them out of the grocery store container and put them in something else to create the illusion that they are homemade. That's the way my mother did it when I was growing up, as I recall. If I scrape off that awful grocery store icing and replace it with Betty Crocker icing, the trick is almost foolproof. This way, my son and I both save face. I get credit for being a loving and competent, if slightly tardy, mother, and he gets credit for having a mom who doesn't suck.

Next year, when he turns 3, I won't be caught off guard like this. I'll buy the cupcakes and the Betty Crocker frosting ahead of time, and no one will be the wiser. I can pass The Cupcake Test with flying colors - just so long as I'm willing to cheat.

And I am.

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Comments

[tribal-woman.livejournal.com]

I am giggling like crazy. I can't help myself... that is darn funny...how very victorian of her!

*HUGS*

You are obviously not a stepford hive mother where these thoughts are part of breathing (I mean this as a compliment). I don't know you well yet, but the fact you can feel guilty about this tells me you are most likely a GREAT parent. Don't let that passively pushy teacher get on your case just because she was *counting* on those "birthday so the calories don't count" cupcakes! Your son knows you are wonderful. I'm willing to bet rubber duckies on it.

And yes, in my memories the best fool proof is definitely the Betty crocker frosting trick - if you check out the bakery section of your local store you might actually get cupcakes without icing on them yet. My mom was an innovator with this trick...she would pop the cupcakes in the microwave for 3-4 secs just enough to get them a wee bit warm, so she could spread the icing and make it was put on fresh from the oven without making them all rubbery. Mom Rules!

Maybe your son will want to help out too, so he can hve his special cupcake in class. He may in his own way tell the teacher and class how mommy made the cupcakes and you both frosted them, together.

Hence your "Awesome Mommy" card is not regarded suspiciously AND you get some good PR. Ok I just rearead all that...good gravy I think too much.

I hope that helps and I'm so glad you shared!

TW

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The microwave trick worked beautifully. Thanks for the tip. :D

"Oh, you baked?" his teacher said this morning. I made a vaguely affirmative sound that wasn't exactly a "yes," so it wasn't exactly a "lie."

At this point, my son doesn't care about cupcakes. He can't standing to have frosting on his fingers (it freaks him out and he will wipe his hands on his clothes, his hair or some one else's clothes to clean them off), so cupcakes are kind of undesirable to him. But at least we saved face, he and I. He officially does not have the worse mom ever anymore (like he did yesterday morning)> ^_^

[squidflakes.livejournal.com]

Fucking cup cake test. This shit happened with my son when he turned 2, and not only was I caught off guard, but I was also told that I was breaking my son's heart (though, talking to him, he didn't seen to care that I didn't provide for his birthday, but more that he didn't get to eat a cupcake) and that I must not be familiar with the term "optional".

That's the part that pisses me off the most. I asked what "optional" ment to them, and they said "Something that isn't required, but is pretty much required."

Yea.. this is what you get when your religion pushes ignorance as strength

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

They don't even know what a birthday is at that age. All my son knew was that, for some weird reason, he got a bunch of new toys and some cake. He hopes it happens again soon, and would be heartbroken to know he has to wait an entire year (a period that, at this point, is exactly half his life, and hence a very long time).

I brought "homemade" cupcakes this morning, full of sugar and partially hydrogenated oil. Yesterday, I felt guilty for neglecting my son. Today I feel guilty for feeding him and his classmates poison.

I'd make a great Catholic or Jew: I've got the guilt thing down...

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

I never sent the cupcakes. Ever. He is 12 now.

Honestly, I was a little annoyed when my ADHD son, who gets limited amounts of sugar and caffiene was fed soda and chocolate cake and then sent home to me so I could deal with the crash.

We did however, make halloween packs for all the classmates with scary partyfavor type stuff most years

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I don't remember people doing the cupcake thing when I was a kid. It seems to be part of the "new" expectations for parenting. Being older than most of his classmates mothers, I guess I'm too old school and am slow to catch on.

C'est la vie. I admitted defeat and brought the stupid cupcakes this morning. I hope his teacher enjoys them.

[bettybaker.livejournal.com]

Oh good Lord. Thank God I'm not a parent.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The What To Expect* books don't warn you about this stuff. It's not fair, I tell you!


* What To Expect When Expecting: My copy is so worn that the pages are falling out; What To Expect The First Year: Copy is dogeared, cover is splattered and stained with droplets of breast milk, but book is still in fairly good shape; What To Expect The Toddler Years: can be sold as "almost new" on Amazon.com, as by this point the gist is that each child is different and you never know exactly what to expect, so why bother reading further?

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

Echo's daycares always banned sugar/cakes/cupcakes.

I never had the cupcake test, and those overly ambitious women were thwarted at the pass.

Go Montesorri school!!!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Good rule. Apparently I need to spring for a Montessori School.

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

I highly recommend it, if only for two years. My friend is thoroughly convinced that's why Echo has so many issues.

Supposedly, Montessori doesnt properly indoctrinate children into society. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that my daughter is strong-willed and probably would be doing exactly the same thing regardless of Montessori attendance.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I've never heard that Montessori Schools give kids "issues" - quite the opposite. It sounds more like Echo has a strong personality. Some people are going to march to the beat of their own drum no matter how hard you try to indoctrinate them. People always look for an external reason for our character traits, when so much of it is how we are hard-wired. I think your friend is barking up the wrong tree...

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

agreed, there are no bones in those branches. Not even a cat.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

So, Montessori is good for strong-willed children? I need to get Rorie into one of them PRONTO!!!

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

The focus is more practical life (cleaning, cooking, sewing, etc), than traditional education.

It also allows children to learn through the natural process of play. If I could afford it, she'd still be in Montessori.

At high school they send the kids off to a farm, which isn't sounding so bad these days.

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

I bet she doesn't have any children of her own. ::shakes head:: I don't think I could have been as nice as you in that situation. Go you...grrr her.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Actually, she does. But she also only works half days, so she has some free time.

I don't think she was trying to be mean, so much as she was looking forward to eating cupcakes and was disappointed I didn't bring them. It must be one of the only perks that her $6 an hour job has to offer - free cupcakes on birthdays.

I'm still learning the rules here.

[georgiaskydiver.livejournal.com]

That is insane!!! But your solution is absolutely brilliant. I'll have to remember that one.

Me? I would have shown up with small ziploc baggies full of trail mix and haughtily told the teacher that the school failed the healthy food test. *phhhttttt*


The bad mommy test that always gets me is Valentine's Day. How do all the other kids' moms (1) find the time and the energy to put together bags for each kid, and (2) how do they know all the other kids' names? There is something WRONG with those women!! Shouldn't they be spending time playing with their children or something?

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The lady obviously loves cupcakes. She was delighted when I dropped off my "homemade" goodies today. Glad I made her day.

Valentine's day? Oh, God. The best I could do is get the right number of goodie bags with the same stuff in all of them, and have him pass out "generic" greetings. If I tried putting names on all of them, I would misspell at least one of them and forget someone else all together. Twelve kids in the class? I can make 14 bags (gotta have an extra for that new kid you didn't know about, and one for the teacher) and call it good.

Oh, I got your Halloween card this weekend! Thank you! ^_^

[georgiaskydiver.livejournal.com]

Then you are a much better mama than me. I pretended like I didn't know it was Valentine's Day. I didn't have the time or the energy to do little goodie bags, especially since I was in the middle of Treatment hell at the time.

And I really am a food freak. Our son has such eating problems that if he eats three bites in a day, it WILL NOT be cookies or candy. I tossed out all his stuff as soon as it got here. Those kids would not have liked the "goodies" I put in their bags (think oranges, raisins and dental floss).

As for the teacher, I bought her a very nice gift when she announced she was leaving. The Big Guy wanted to buy her some sexy lingerie (she was a real hottie!) but we settled on some nice bath stuff. We all miss her - but for different reasons.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I've have diabetes since childhood, so I'm big on toy and trinket filled goodie bags; I had too much trauma in my own childhood at having my goodies taken away as soon as they were given to me, or having the teacher start to hand me something only to stop once she remembered that I was "special." I even hand out little toys on Halloween for this reason.

Dental floss? Wow - you're hardcore... ;)

[(Anonymous)]

Bring carrot muffins with yogurt topping. That'll freak her out.

I've never used an oven. I'm a stovetop kinda gal :)

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

oops that was me :P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Next year, I think I'll do just that. I read the ingredients on the cupcakes and icing and feel like I just delivered a box of poison to the little types. He doesn't eat that crap at home, just a daycare. Grrrrr.

Sugar. Partially hydrogenated oil (100 times worse than cholesterol for the human body). Chemicals I can't pronounce. It's an act of love to give this stuff to kids? (*pounds head on desk*)

I have a nice convection oven. Since Jeff and I work such different schedules, we don't eat together much and I hardly cook, though. If I'm making something just for me, the toaster oven works just fine.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

OMG! We totally missed his birthday, didn't we? I vaguely remember an Evite or something on the subject, but that was before allergies and computer crashes! I'm such a BAD First-Cousin-Once-Removed-God-Aunt!!!

I so owe your little boy cupcakes! REAL ones with REAL icing. Too bad I'm not MY mom, whose homemade cupcakes were so yummy and beautiful that my teachers thought she really DID cheat! *shrug*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You didn't miss squat - we didn't do a party. I just took him over to my dad's for cake and presents. No invites (or evites) were sent.

My place is not suitable for entertaining at this point, and I hated the idea of asking That Woman My Father Is Married To use their place again (at least not for a big get together). I'm not a party throwing kind of gal. I turn into a deer in the headlights at the very idea, so I didn't do it this year.

See? I'm a bad mother.