Monday - A face to forget

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about how there are so few pictures of me in existence. My mother-in-law and a couple of distant friends have been asking me to send photos, and I've tried to tell them that there are none to send. Since high school, I have made a great effort to always be behind and not in front of the camera lens. It has occurred to me that when I die, there will be little photographic evidence that I ever existed.

It's not that I'm ugly. While I'm not about to win any beauty pageants, my features are not unpleasant. In fact, I can confidently say that they have a sort of cherubic charm to them. My feelings about my face can be compared to my feelings about certain sofas that I've come across; the sofas aren't unattractive and may even be very comfortable, but they don't suit my taste and I wouldn't want to own them. Except that since I already do own my face and I lack the money or the inclination to have a plastic surgeon issue me a new one, I'm stuck with it.

Cameras are vexing to me. I like them when they are in my hands and I am pointing them at things and other people. I like capturing images and saving them for posterity. But the lens has never been kind when pointed toward me. Even my childhood photos, taken when I was at that point where even the plainest person is kind of cute, look dorky. If I looked as bad in real life as I do in most pictures, I would put a bag (like the one worn by the Elephant Man) over my head before venturing out in public. Just as many fashion models look better in photos than they do in person, I am one of those people who looks okay in person but who comes across as painfully unappealing in photos.

This has led to my long-held belief that it is better to be plain but photogenic, rather than good looking but non-photogenic. If you are photogenic you will be remembered for ages to come as having been beautiful. If all of the pictures of you are bad, your attractive decedents will look at your photos 100 years from now and thank their lucky stars that they take after the other side of their family. Physical beauty lasts only a few decades; ugly can last an eternity.

It did occur to me this weekend that if lightening were to strike me, my son would have little besides my drivers license photo to remember me by. Mind you, my drivers license photo is actually good. That is how weird my face is. Cameras that flatter other people makes a mockery of it, but the camera at the Texas Department of Public Safety, which was designed by evil scientists to make even the likes of Angelina Jolie look like a ragged-out hag, managed to flatter me. On this day of June 6, 2006, this alone is an indication that I could be the antichrist, for no human being created should look good on their drivers license.

Yet here I am. Damien, eat your heart out.

This weekend I set about taking some pictures so that my son would have something to remember me by, in case my drivers license gets burned up in the lightening strike. I refuse to go to a professional photographer, because I don't want to pay a sitting fee for something I'm probably going to hate. I've had professional photos taken in the past, and they aren't any kinder to me than your average snapshot. I have a broad face (thanks to my Viking ancestors) that comes out looking even broader. I have good cheekbones, but they get flattened out by the lens. My round nose has a tendency to look bulbous. Because my skin is so fair, the slightest blemish shows up as if accentuated in neon. I actually feel physically sick looking at photos of myself, which I know is pathological. People much uglier than I do not have this reaction to images of their own faces. Someday, someone may name a syndrome for this reaction. I would like it to be called, "Nina Erickson Syndrome," since I believe that I am the first person to document it and I want credit.

In the end, a handful of the pictures I took did not get deleted (though most of them did). I found a few that don't disgust me completely. For anyone who is curious, I look somewhat like this:



Until I can afford new furniture, I have a sofa that I don't like and that doesn't match my house. I have covered it with a slipcover, but it only helps so much. To my mind, my face doesn't match my personality and I don't much care for it, but like my sofa, I can't afford a new one.

Still, I take comfort in the fact that if you go by drivers licenses, I am as beautiful as any woman on earth.

Comments

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

And I'll bet the room lights up all by itself when you walk in, too! It may not match your self-image, but your face has all the sweetness, charm, warmth, and life that I've come to look for in your posts. Thank you for sharing!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Alas, cherubic sweetness is my blessing and my curse. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be taken seriously by people when you look like 5 foot tall cherub? ;)

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

Nope! I tend to scare people at first glance. I have to work hard to present a positive first impression. :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's hell, I tell you. Even I have to admit that I'm cute when I'm mad, but I don't want to be told that. Jeff made that mistake...once...

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

Oops! I hate it when that happens!
I told Beloved how much I enjoyed seeing her eyes flash when she gets angry - now she suspects me of doing it on purpose just to see them!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as a woman I can tell you that there are some things you should just keep to yourself.

[anne-nahm.livejournal.com]

I agree with this.:^)

[niecystrips.livejournal.com]

It's awesome to put a face with the words. You're beautiful in the pic and in black and white.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

BTW, you're sexy. ;)

can't afford a new one.

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

you resemble a lover i have a few years ago,. with that said, i don't find you unattractive at all,.. i understand the hard to photo thing,..;)

Re: can't afford a new one.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Knowing that, I hope you and the lady parted on good terms. I wouldn't want to remind you of anything unpleasant.

parted on good terms

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

indeed we did,. i consider myself a lucky man, for all the lovers i've known in my life, the hurtful breakups can be counted on one hand,. with three digits left over,..:)

Re: parted on good terms

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

(*whew*) Good to know. ;D

[artkouros.livejournal.com]

I am also unphotogenic and camera-phobic, although I love to take pictures of other people and things. I had more to say but LJ ate my entry and I lost my train of thought.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"I had more to say but LJ ate my entry and I lost my train of thought."

I hate it when that happens.

I've seen your website and you seemed to photograph all right. Then again, I don't how many shots it took to get that one picture that you liked (in my case, it took 100+ attempts).

[phonographgirl.livejournal.com]

Lovely photo!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! ^_^

[bbart.livejournal.com]

I think that's quite a nice picture of you.

I can relate to looking worse in pictures than in reality (oddly all my driver's license photos have looked relatively nice too). I'm not a big smiler so I look pissed off in most pictures. To make matters worse I married a man who is unable to take a picture of a beautiful sunset or old building with lovely architecture without having someone (read: me) propped in the middle of the frame with a fake smile. I've ruined many a scenic vista this way.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. We Who Look Good on Our Drivers Licenses must get together and plot to take over the world. Our first order of business will be to replace all cameras with the ones that flatter only us while making everyone else look like crap...

My husband is also not photogenic, so he understands me aversion. Before out digital camera and the birth of our son, we would shoot entire rolls of film with only objects and no people in them (least of all each other). For some reason, this drove our families nuts.

[bbart.livejournal.com]

His argument is "How will people know we were there if we aren't in the picture?"

Um, because I say so? Perhaps he knows people who are particularly skeptical, but I just can't imagine many a scenario where someone would question it.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I think he either likes having pictures of you or just enjoys teasing you by making you stand in the pictures when you don't want to. You can always make him take a picture of your back, I guess...

[bbart.livejournal.com]

I have and he does.

He has this annoying habit that my father has as well. He'll make me pose for a picture and he'll either take the picture right away before I'm ready or he'll fiddle with the camera until I'm bored or impatient and not paying attention and then he'll take the picture. Sometimes that man's a real bastard.

[anayasmom.livejournal.com]

:-)
You look lovely!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Though I would replace "lovely" with "not unpleasant." ;P

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

I hate to tell you this, but I usually look pretty awesome in my DL photos, too. Guess it's them Harding genes.

The Parr genes make me look good in snapshots and pro pics.

My own freaky-geekiness makes me look goofy ANYWHERE if I don't rein it in, so I guess it all evens out.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You are incredibly photogenic and always have been. Next time I see you, I think I'll pinch you again just for that. ;P

[rumble-bumble.livejournal.com]

since i'm new here on your fl, i'm just very glad to get to see a picture of you. i almost felt like saving it now that i learned it's a rarity. ha ;)
i think we could be sisters. hehe.
and that drivers license mystery is quite something... *joins club* hah!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You don't have to save it, just make note of the date. I'm not taking it down (the post would make less sense without it).

We folks who look good on our drivers licenses should start our own community. Obviously, we are some kind of mutant freaks, but according to the X-Men movies, that can be a good thing. Sure, we can't fly or change the weather or heal up overnight, but we look good on our photo IDs, which is a special gift that many people covet... ;D

[rumble-bumble.livejournal.com]

wellll, i'd say we can't do all those things YET. maybe it's just the first step in our mutation process. one day we'll be able to give and take beauty. ha!
the x-beautiful drivers license photos community... i'd join it. gaha :)

[adamant-turtle.livejournal.com]

Cerubic, indeed! Cute :-)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

(*sigh*)Cute is good for about the first 15 years of life. After that you would gladly trade it for sexy or stunning or just about any compliment suitable for a grownup.

However, I have able to carry off cute for 36 years now. Things could be worse. ;)

[adamant-turtle.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, I've yet to be called sexy or stunning, either...I may be younger than you, but I don't exactly foresee these adjectives anywhere in my future :-/

[welfy.livejournal.com]

I look good in my drivers license photo. But I shouldn't jinx myself because I'll probably have to get a new one since I moved out of state.

You look ADORABLE. And your nose is not bulbous at all. (Then again, you have to remember who you're talking to, haha)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

No, my nose actually isn't bulbous, it's just round. Cameras just tend to exaggerate it. I've heard other people complain that cameras do the same thing to their butts...

You nose works very well with your face. It works on you. :)

[coupesetique.livejournal.com]

Look at you! You're a doll!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm a Kewpie doll all grown up, to be more precise.

[whirring-mind.livejournal.com]

I like to think of my lj friends as looking EGGSACTLY like thier icon pictures. I can't help it! While now you no longer quite like a yellow plastic ducky, now you sit comfortably between duck and the above picture. A hybrid. I mean, the head position is almost the same, and the illumination similarity is uncanny!

PS- I like your face.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thanks for liking my face (it's the cherubic appeal, I 'spose). Both the duck and my face above were taken in natural sunlight, which explains the illumination (sunlight is the best light, period).

Now, if you want one that shows my head position the same as the ducks, there is this one, to help complete your hybrid idea of me:

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

In these pictures you remind me of my aunt Dana, my Mom's younger sister.
I think we must share some of the same ancestors.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I may have to start calling you "cousin," then... ;)