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ninanevermoreToday on my drive into work, I was thinking about why I buy The Woman My Father is Married To a Mother's Day card. Everyone seemed to be wondering about it yesterday. If I don't like her, why do I bother getting her a card? The answer is that I do it to score points for my team. Families are competitive by nature. Sibling rivalry does not end with childhood. Even as an adult you don't want your siblings to do too much better than you do and make you look bad. When the people you are competing against are step siblings, this rivalry is multiplied 100 fold.
That woman has 2 children: a son, Brad, and a daughter, Cari. My father has 4 children: my brothers Randy, Russ and Ron, and me. If that woman's children both get my father a card for Father's Day and her daughter's kids all send him something for being their Grandpa, then her team scores 700 points. For Mother's Day, you think it would be easy to beat them since we have their team out numbered, but it's not that easy. My brother Russ is estranged from the family, and none of us have seen him or his 3 kids in several years. This means we won't get any help from him. My brother Randy and his 9-year-old daughter will each send a card and score us 200 points, leaving us 500 points behind. It's now up to me and my youngest brother, Ron. Ron adores That Woman and even calls her "Mom." He will get her a card and a gift, earning 300 points (the gift is worth 200) and bringing our score up to 500. By getting her a card from myself and a card from my son, I earn our team the last 200 points and the holiday ends in a tie.
Birthdays and Christmas are similarity competitive.
There is one additional reason that I am nice to my father's wife: love for my father. If we were to ignore his wife, it would hurt him. He is also competitive, even though he will deny it if you ask him. The ongoing joke in the family is about which kids are still in the will. When you walk through the dining room, all of the cards they have received for the latest card-giving occasion are prominently displayed on a small table. If all of the cards are from That's Woman's children and grandchildren, it reflects badly on my team, which my father is the coach of.
"At least Cari and Brad are still in the will," my father will say with a wry smile. This implies trouphies for them, and running laps for us.
While he is kidding about leaving his own children out of the will, he is not joking that we have let him down. My father can lay on a guilt trip like nobody's business. Your average Jewish mother can't hold a candle to my Swedish father when it comes to making you feel like you are the biggest disappointment that a parent has ever brought into the world. With just a look and a sad shake of his head, you suddenly stand only an inch tall. As a kid, the worst thing in the world he could say to me was, "I'm very disappointed." As an adult, the words still sting, though I've grown tough enough not to let him see any reaction on my face.
My father is finished raising me and I have gone out into the world, so who he has chosen as his mate is really none of my business. She makes him happy, and I'm glad. My own mother taught me to respect this.
When I was a child, I asked my mother what she and my father were going to do once the four of us kids grew up and moved away.
"Your father and I are going to blow your inheritance," she said without missing a beat.
This seemed kind of mean to me. I asked her why they were going to do this.
"Because if we do a good job raising you, you will all leave and have homes and families of your own," she said. "Everything we've earned will be ours to do what we want with. Your father and I are going to go off and enjoy ourselves."
I admitted that sounded fair.
My mother didn't live long enough to carry out that plan. My father, in his waning years, now has a new wife. Out of respect for my father, my mother would want me to treat That Woman with respect. I buy That Woman cards on the expected holidays and gifts at Christmas because I love my father. Besides, there's no way I'm going to let her kids make my mother's kids look bad. When I have to, I'll take one for the team. If I think one of my brothers may not pull through for some occasion, I may even buy That Woman flowers to bolster our score. What matters is that I know it's not about her.
I'm pretty sure she knows it, as well.
That woman has 2 children: a son, Brad, and a daughter, Cari. My father has 4 children: my brothers Randy, Russ and Ron, and me. If that woman's children both get my father a card for Father's Day and her daughter's kids all send him something for being their Grandpa, then her team scores 700 points. For Mother's Day, you think it would be easy to beat them since we have their team out numbered, but it's not that easy. My brother Russ is estranged from the family, and none of us have seen him or his 3 kids in several years. This means we won't get any help from him. My brother Randy and his 9-year-old daughter will each send a card and score us 200 points, leaving us 500 points behind. It's now up to me and my youngest brother, Ron. Ron adores That Woman and even calls her "Mom." He will get her a card and a gift, earning 300 points (the gift is worth 200) and bringing our score up to 500. By getting her a card from myself and a card from my son, I earn our team the last 200 points and the holiday ends in a tie.
Birthdays and Christmas are similarity competitive.
There is one additional reason that I am nice to my father's wife: love for my father. If we were to ignore his wife, it would hurt him. He is also competitive, even though he will deny it if you ask him. The ongoing joke in the family is about which kids are still in the will. When you walk through the dining room, all of the cards they have received for the latest card-giving occasion are prominently displayed on a small table. If all of the cards are from That's Woman's children and grandchildren, it reflects badly on my team, which my father is the coach of.
"At least Cari and Brad are still in the will," my father will say with a wry smile. This implies trouphies for them, and running laps for us.
While he is kidding about leaving his own children out of the will, he is not joking that we have let him down. My father can lay on a guilt trip like nobody's business. Your average Jewish mother can't hold a candle to my Swedish father when it comes to making you feel like you are the biggest disappointment that a parent has ever brought into the world. With just a look and a sad shake of his head, you suddenly stand only an inch tall. As a kid, the worst thing in the world he could say to me was, "I'm very disappointed." As an adult, the words still sting, though I've grown tough enough not to let him see any reaction on my face.
My father is finished raising me and I have gone out into the world, so who he has chosen as his mate is really none of my business. She makes him happy, and I'm glad. My own mother taught me to respect this.
When I was a child, I asked my mother what she and my father were going to do once the four of us kids grew up and moved away.
"Your father and I are going to blow your inheritance," she said without missing a beat.
This seemed kind of mean to me. I asked her why they were going to do this.
"Because if we do a good job raising you, you will all leave and have homes and families of your own," she said. "Everything we've earned will be ours to do what we want with. Your father and I are going to go off and enjoy ourselves."
I admitted that sounded fair.
My mother didn't live long enough to carry out that plan. My father, in his waning years, now has a new wife. Out of respect for my father, my mother would want me to treat That Woman with respect. I buy That Woman cards on the expected holidays and gifts at Christmas because I love my father. Besides, there's no way I'm going to let her kids make my mother's kids look bad. When I have to, I'll take one for the team. If I think one of my brothers may not pull through for some occasion, I may even buy That Woman flowers to bolster our score. What matters is that I know it's not about her.
I'm pretty sure she knows it, as well.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 09:16 pm (UTC)Sadly, it seems this relationship is not one that changes, so it may never get any easier. I hope that it does, however. It would make your holiday a lot nicer.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-21 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-24 09:30 pm (UTC)