Tuesday - A Silent Goodbye

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about my unlikely friendship with Patty, and how I have decided to end it. The decision makes me feel guilty and relieved at the same time.

Dumping a friends is so much more complicated than dumping a lover. As the Paul Simon songs says, there must be 50 ways to do it (though he only offers up a couple of them). You have a wealth of stock lines to use, kind of like the opposite of pick up lines. You can say, "This is not working out. It's not you, it's me. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. We can still be friends." At least, those were the ones used on me when I was on the receiving end.

That "still be friends" part is a lie in most cases, or at least an exaggeration. You don't mean, "Let's actually be friends." You don't mean, "Lets talk on the phone everyday and go places together and spend holidays together." You don't mean, "Let's catch a movie or meet up for drinks and talk about our new love interests." If you're like most people, you mean, "Let's not be enemies." You mean, "Let's not trash each other's property and reputation and lets be polite if we meet up in a public place instead of screaming insults and throwing things at each other." Friendship may be possible in the distant future, but not while the wounds are still open and bleeding (noblwish, you are the exception to this rule, and I have always found you freakish in this way).

But when you are dumping a friend, the speech would have to be along the lines of, "This is not working out for me. I just don't like you very much. I don't like you at all, really. We had some fun, but it's grown tiresome. You take up more resources than I'm willing to give at this point in my life, and you don't give me anything back. I hope you have a nice life, I just don't want to be a part of it."

I should give this speech. I have practiced it in my head dozens of times. Instead, I say nothing. By saying nothing, I mean I have quit answering her phone calls.

Cowardly? You bet. I won't deny it. But the only way to deal with a person who won't take no for an answer is to stop saying no and simply stop answering all together.

I've tried saying no to her over the years. When I did, I still ended up lending her money she never repaid, loaning her clothes she never returned, going out drinking when I was exhausted, and driving her to visit her boyfriend in jail on a Wednesday night in another town when I was 8 months pregnant and had to work the next day, to name a few things. Saying no leads to tears, to begging and pleading. "Please? You're the only person I can think of? Please? I have nowhere else to turn. Please? I really need this. Please? Please?" Almost without fail, I ended up saying yes to make her shut up.

It only took me 7 years to feel exploited enough to call it quits. As wimpy as I am, it's amazing I wasn't a slut back in high school.

No doubt, there will be a message waiting on my answering machine when I come home tonight. I will check the caller ID and see who it is from. When I see it's from Patty, I will rewind it without listening to it.

I will hate myself a little, but not as much as you might think.

Comments

[adamant-turtle.livejournal.com]

Well, my philosophy has always been that most friends/acquaintances enter your life for a specific time -- usually to fulfill a certain need at a certain time, if you follow -- and when that's done, or your life is different, it's time to move on. It doesn't necessarily mean they're a bad person, or you are, or anything, just that your lives no longer intersect the way they once did.

And in this case? Not returning her calls and slowly but firmly distancing yourself is probably the kindest way to go.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She is a damaged person and a troubled person. Before I had a child, I guess I had time for someone that needy. Now that I have a toddler, having an adult who makes demands like a toddler is more than I care to mess with.

Gah! I wish there were an easy way to do this. :P

[anayasmom.livejournal.com]

So, how long has it been that you stopped talking? I might not answer her calls either(it's the easiest way with less casualties to handle this situation)but I would have to listen to the messages...it's my inner nosyness getting the better of me. I thought it was really funny how she just showed up to carpool in the beginning :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's been a slow weaning process. I was returning her calls every couple of weeks, then once a month or so, then less and less.

She's trapped and can't show up on my porch. She has no car right now and is living out of the home of who ever will let her stay with them at any given time. She stays until they throw her out. They always throw her out, eventually.

Her life has kind of spiraled out of control since the fire. Speaking of fires, she burns every bridge she crosses and I have just been a slower burn than most of them. She is her own worse enemy.

In the messages, she usually just says, "It's me. I really need you to call me when you get this." Sometimes she goes into more detail, but not often. Whatever the message, it just makes me feel more wretched to hear them, so I've stopped listening.

I suck, but I can't help her any more. She refuses to help herself.

I'll write more about her in the future. I could write a book on her. She's interesting, just more than I want to deal with.

[clark-inda-dark.livejournal.com]

Most of your friends don't stay around for years and years to come anyway. They come around and fill a gap and then move on so somebody else can fill it usually. The ones that do stick around are closer than just your average "friends". There's a closeness, almost like a family member tie with them. :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You're making me feel worse. She tells everyone I'm her sister. Her kids call me their aunt.

(*bangs head on desk*)

[clark-inda-dark.livejournal.com]

You can't allow people to walk on you though. My grandma has a friend that doesn't have a car, so my grandma takes her absolutely everywhere she needs to go and gets NOTHING in return. This woman insults my grandma sometimes, too. I don't think she means anything by it, but she just doesn't think, which still hurts. This woman never calls or does anything unless she wants my grandma to take her somewhere. Although, this friend says that my grandma is like family, is like a sister. Somehow that doesn't line up. :/

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"Although, this friend says that my grandma is like family, is like a sister. Somehow that doesn't line up."

Oh, it adds up perfectly. No one can screw you over like family.

I would be a monster if I felt no pity for her. She is tragic on so many levels. I just only have so much to allot to any one person, and my pity well has simply run dry as far as she's concerned.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Did she own the house that burned, or was she just one of the inhabitants? You've talked so much about the people in that house that I almost feel like I know them -- but I've always kinda wondered why YOU did. They didn't seem like your usual crowd.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The Old Woman owned the house.

Patty was one of her tenants (as was Amanda, the only one here who I call by her real name).

Patty no longer speaks to The Old Woman because The Old Woman said, in front of Patty's kids, that Patty needed to get off of her lazy ass and get a job.

The Old Woman is right, of course.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

blah. good luck. hope the lady can move on

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She will find someone new to cling to, eventually. It's how her kind survives. :P

[coupesetique.livejournal.com]

I don't think that you should feel guilty about not having toxic people in your life. You've done as much as you could.

There's a concept called "Emotional Bank Accout" in "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". The concept talks about how people can either make deposits or withdrawls. She's way overdrawn.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She's been overdrawn for a long time. It's still sad, though. My guilt to relief ratio on this is heavy on the relief side.

[coupesetique.livejournal.com]

Totally understandable. It hurts to let someone go, even with as much withdrawing as she's done. :-(

Regardless, your life priorities have changed. Her priorities sounds like they were never in place to begin with. You're aware enough to not make the same mistakes or be influenced by her, and neither will your child. :-)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I figured out a long time ago that if a well person and a sick person stand next to each other, the well person is far more likely to catch the other person's illness than the sick person is to catch health from the well person.

I just need reminding of this once in awhile, I guess.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The problem is, she is essentially homeless at this point, moving from house to house of whoever will take her in (I never let her stay in my home; I am one of those people who needs time alone and I would have ended up doing her physical harm before a week was out).

Sending her a letter would involve talking to her and getting an address. I'll see how this long, silent goodbye works for the time being. :P

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

Maybe the letter is not such a hard thing to get to her. Hand it over if she approaches you, ignoring your attempts at a long silent goodbye.