Friday - Tastes of Mortality

[ninanevermore]

Today on the drive into work and sitting at the stoplight, the Carney smiled at me and waved and I smiled back at him. I was feeling bad for myself for having to drive into work on the day that most of the country is counting as "Christmas Eve Observed," but then I realized it could be worse. The Carney gets no days off, especially not weekends or holidays.

Because he works so hard, I need to be grateful for my time on the ride. I am alive. I need to love each day with my husband and my son, because there are no guarantees.

I first felt death when I was 9 years old. I had contracted a case of pancreatitis, which negatively affected the diabetes I had been diagnosed with less than a year earlier. I remember the distinct sensation of my body shutting down and the realization coming into my mind, crystallizing into a calm voice speaking the words, "I am dying." I felt my ride coming to a stop and I was afraid, but was so sick and so dehydrated that I had no tears to cry. My parents rushed me to the hospital and I spent a night or two in the ICU before everything was brought back under control.

I felt it again when I was 18 and home for Christmas my freshman year in college. The week I was to return to school, I caught the flu. My diabetes, which I was careless with at that age (being 18 and immortal) spiraled out of control and I once again felt that sensation of shutting down and heard the voice say, "I am dying." I called my doctor, who told me to meet him in the emergency room. I wasn't so afraid that time, just annoyed at the sense of deja vu.

I've stayed out of hospitals since then, except for my baby son's delivery. I learned to take care of myself, and I have a healthy respect for the Carney and his work. I know it's not personal. It's never personal. Even at Christmas. It's just his job.

So Merry Christmas to all, and may your ride be smooth throughout the next year. No stops, no stalls, no bumps, no grinding gears. May the Ferris Wheel take you all where it will, in an arch over the horizon of your lives. May the ride play music and be covered in lights, and may you all remember to laugh and enjoy the ride, because it can be glorious and amazing, even when it's too short.

Comments

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The part that amazed me was not not scary it was, at least the second time. I didn't feel fear, only a sense that can best be summed up in, "Oh, rats." Just, "rats" and a period, no exclamation point. I also felt a sense of determination to pull myself out of it. It was a lot like realizing your car is about to run out of gas if you don't pull over and take care the situation soon.

Lucky me, I made it to the gas station in time... :)