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ninanevermore.
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The last New Year’s Resolution I ever made was to stop making New Years Resolution. A few years ago, I broke that one, but the incident served as a reminder about why I gave up on the whole idea of the NYR in the first place: the best way to doom a goal to failure is to actually resolve to get it done, and to make this decision while I still have the remnants of the previous night’s champagne coursing through my veins.
I do, however, have goals from time to time that I set in January. Goals involve less of a commitment than a resolution. This year my main goal is to get the huge rotting corpse out of my front yard, because the neighbors have stopped making eye contact with us and this makes me sad.
The corpse does not smell, since it is made out of wood. It is the tree that deposited half of its upper portion onto our roof during Hurricane Ike a couple of years ago. It was a huge pine tree, at least 100 years old. We haven’t had the funds to cut it down. I started calling it “the corpse” after it turned brown and died (that took about a year) and turkey vultures started hanging out in on its bare upper branches. When the vultures aren’t there, huge black crows like to hang out in it and make catcalls at us as we walk past it. The vultures are quiet, and just watch us with greedy eyes, like they would like to ask, How are you feeling? Bad cold? Aw, too bad. If you get any worse, do us a favor and lay outside so that when you expire we can invite all our friends. Thanks!”
I did like the authenticity the vultures lent to the fake graveyard I set up on my lawn for Halloween, but they clashed with both my Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations.
I’m not an expert on Feng Shui, but I’m pretty sure that having a huge dead thing close to your front door that attracts carrion eaters is does not bring good fortune to the inhabitants of any household. Not only does the corpse attract vultures, it attracts neighbors who wander into our yard to make a vague inquiry about “how things are going” before they cut to the chase and ask if and when we plan to get rid of the big eyesore that is bringing down the property values of the entire neighborhood.
We had a couple of people give us estimates, and they all wanted a lot more than we had to give. My husband, Jeff, would be willing to cut it down himself, but the tree is huge and the top portion of it would land in the street. During a windstorm the week between Christmas and New Years the head of the corpse blew off and landed on the roof (where it did minimal damage, because half rotted wood weighs a lot less than live healthy wood), so only a little bit would land in the street now, but it’s still enough to be risky to passing motorists and pedestrians.
But I started a new job in November and am making more money now than I was for most of last year, so maybe we can afford to get some things taken care of this year. Like clearing the rotting corpse out of the front yard. Before long, our neighbors may start talking to us again. My Halloween decor will not feel quite as authentic next year, but I think I can learn to live with that.
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.
.
The last New Year’s Resolution I ever made was to stop making New Years Resolution. A few years ago, I broke that one, but the incident served as a reminder about why I gave up on the whole idea of the NYR in the first place: the best way to doom a goal to failure is to actually resolve to get it done, and to make this decision while I still have the remnants of the previous night’s champagne coursing through my veins.
I do, however, have goals from time to time that I set in January. Goals involve less of a commitment than a resolution. This year my main goal is to get the huge rotting corpse out of my front yard, because the neighbors have stopped making eye contact with us and this makes me sad.
The corpse does not smell, since it is made out of wood. It is the tree that deposited half of its upper portion onto our roof during Hurricane Ike a couple of years ago. It was a huge pine tree, at least 100 years old. We haven’t had the funds to cut it down. I started calling it “the corpse” after it turned brown and died (that took about a year) and turkey vultures started hanging out in on its bare upper branches. When the vultures aren’t there, huge black crows like to hang out in it and make catcalls at us as we walk past it. The vultures are quiet, and just watch us with greedy eyes, like they would like to ask, How are you feeling? Bad cold? Aw, too bad. If you get any worse, do us a favor and lay outside so that when you expire we can invite all our friends. Thanks!”
I did like the authenticity the vultures lent to the fake graveyard I set up on my lawn for Halloween, but they clashed with both my Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations.
I’m not an expert on Feng Shui, but I’m pretty sure that having a huge dead thing close to your front door that attracts carrion eaters is does not bring good fortune to the inhabitants of any household. Not only does the corpse attract vultures, it attracts neighbors who wander into our yard to make a vague inquiry about “how things are going” before they cut to the chase and ask if and when we plan to get rid of the big eyesore that is bringing down the property values of the entire neighborhood.
We had a couple of people give us estimates, and they all wanted a lot more than we had to give. My husband, Jeff, would be willing to cut it down himself, but the tree is huge and the top portion of it would land in the street. During a windstorm the week between Christmas and New Years the head of the corpse blew off and landed on the roof (where it did minimal damage, because half rotted wood weighs a lot less than live healthy wood), so only a little bit would land in the street now, but it’s still enough to be risky to passing motorists and pedestrians.
But I started a new job in November and am making more money now than I was for most of last year, so maybe we can afford to get some things taken care of this year. Like clearing the rotting corpse out of the front yard. Before long, our neighbors may start talking to us again. My Halloween decor will not feel quite as authentic next year, but I think I can learn to live with that.
