Friday – The Coffins

[ninanevermore]

.
.
.
I spent most of yesterday stuck in a room with 8 levitating coffins.

We had the training room reserved for the sales presentation class Dixie was teaching. The coffins were from the day before and had nothing to do with us. Marlene, in charge of facilities in our building, called me the afternoon before, semi-hysterical.

"I know you're supposed to be in both rooms downstairs, but we're going to have to put you in the north end and partition it off because there are still eight (unintelligible screech) in there!"

I guess she was calling me because she couldn't get hold of Dixie. Dixie was teaching the class and in charge of it; I was only in the class, not to be certified to present seminars but so I could get a better understanding of the program so I can assist the presenters in my market areas. I had only a moderate interest in things going smoothly. In fact, from my point of view, glitches such as this made things more interesting.

"I didn't understand you. What's in the other end of the room?"

"Caskets!" she squealed, "There are 8 caskets in there! They were supposed to pick them up this afternoon but they're still in there! There's no telling when someone's going to show up to get them!"

"So long as they're empty, I don't think they're going to bother anyone," I said, "These are people coming in from the field locations. They see caskets all the time."

At corporate we don't see them so often, though I have seen the odd shipping crate with a casket in it sitting the parking garage a time or two. Vendors like to bring in their wares to show the corporate office, and a photo of an expensive hardwood coffin with a luxurious satin lining doesn't have the impact of bringing in a full-size sample for people to inspect up close. I've always wanted to climb inside one to see if they really are as comfortable as they look, or if it's just nice satin over cheap batting made to look all fluffy and soft. It's really a moot point, since the end user of the product is not likely to care one way or the other.

I sent Dixie and email warning her about the coffins, and considered my duty done.

The next morning I saw the offending coffins, all covered in specially sewn blue coffin-tarps and floating in mid air. Actually, they were sitting atop clear, acrylic stands to create the effect that they were floating. The vendor wanted people to notice the goods, not the stands holding them up. I work with a few marketing people and I know how marketing people think. The partition wasn't closed, probably because that would have made the room even more claustraphobic than sharing it with a bunch of empty coffins did. We had enough coffins for the number of students in the class, at least if we made a few of the skinnier students double up.

"If I catch you falling asleep in my class, I've got some beds to put you in," Dixie joked with the class. Everyone chuckled politely. The coffins seemed to annoy her, which made me enjoy having them in the room. During one of the breaks in the training class I lifted a few of the tarps to inspect them. The tarps had labels and barcodes on them to easily identify the consumer commodity within the packaging. They were from a large coffin maker in the mid-west, and the corporation I work for sells a lot of these elaborate boxes.

I have to admit, they are very nice, well crafted boxes, with the kind of intricate detailing you find in the woodwork of Victorian houses. They cost as much as a nice set of dining room furniture, and some of them cost as much as a very nice set of dining room furniture. Instead of enjoying them for years, though, people see them once, then put in the ground never to look at again.

I've lived it this world for 40 years now, and so matter how much time passes, it doesn't seem any less strange to me.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Comments

doesn't seem any less strange

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

nope. it only gets stranger,..;)

Re: doesn't seem any less strange

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

True, too true.

[mybeautifulwars]

I'd much prefer a simple, no detail cheap box. Can you even get those anymore? If I were able to know anything, I'd be offended if someone spent that much money on putting me in the ground. But then again, I'm a cheap-o, and all that paint and stain and lacquer cant be good for the soil ;-)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You would have to ask most funeral homes to order that special, as it's not something they keep in their showrooms. (Really, they have showrooms.) I believe there are some religious traditions that specify a plain wooden container, so they are probably available.

There are also a handful of so-called "green" cemeteries across the country, that do not embalm and will either put you in a plain unvarnished box or wrap you in linen to go right in the ground. You can find the closest one to you here: http://www.naturalburial.coop/find-a-green-cemetery/

These are all mom-and-pop operations, as far as I know. The movement is not old enough or big enough to have attracted much attention from corporations like the one I work for.

You're years away from worrying about it, but if you really want that kind of thing, make sure you make it clear to your family and put it in writing. Maybe even pre-purchase the plot(s) in the green cemetery, so they know you weren't kidding, if you're inclinded to do so.

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

Okay. I'm willing to bet you $10 that you won't climb in the coffin for a test drive. LoL

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Given the chance to do it without getting in trouble, I would, but I don't see that opportunity presenting itself. :P

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

You can purchase a plain pine coffin if that is your desire.
Or even one with built-in speakers to give you restful music. If you are willing to PAY for it, they will supply it.
But it will not be cheap!

There are even some that are pretty much made out of cardboard. The cute guy said he wants to be buried in one of those and he wants the kids to each take a box of crayons and decorate it for him.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You can anything you want if you're willing to pay for it. You can even build your own box for the occasion and store it in the garage until it's needed, provided your kids are willing to do that.

One of the funeral directors has a homemade coffin in the attic of his location that a man made for himself, only to have his kids decide it looked too tacky so they bought another standard issue coffin in spite of their late father's wishes. They asked the funeral home to come pick it up, and there it sits collecting dust to this day. I hope he came back and haunted them for that.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

If the cute guy chose to build his own, we would surely use it.
He certainly has all of the skills to do so, just not the desire.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

All of the people who heard the story - people in the business of selling coffins, by the way - were appalled and thought the man in the story should have been buried in the one he built if that was his wish. The funeral director telling the tale said the coffin was well crafted and obviously the man had put a lot of care into making it, which is why no one at the funeral home has had the heart to throw it out after all these years. He said the man was very old and knew he was dying, so this was apparently a project he undertook to come to terms with it.

Kind of a sweet and sad story; I think his kids were wrong not to use it.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

The funeral director could maybe use it some day for a person that cannot afford a commercial one?

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

That would be kinda creepy... But too funny that it was like that for Dixie's class!!