Thursday – Banished By The Baptist Daycare

[ninanevermore]

.
.
.

"She told me to tell you not to bring him back this week."

I love how people pass the buck. I've done it myself: told a manager, "This is my opinion of what we should do, can I say that you authorized it? It'll have more impact if it comes from you."

"I'm in your corner. I'm gunning for you," she said, "But we've had too many other parents complain. We love him and we don't want to see him go, but my boss is telling me this and my hands are tied."

It's not me, it's my boss. Yeah, I've used that one before, too. This must be Karma paying be back.

"Please don't cry."

I wasn't, actually. I've teared up before with her when I begged for another chance and told her everything we were doing to make my son stop biting his little classmates.

"No, I understand," I told her. I really did. If my child were the victim instead of the perpetrator, I'd be angry, too. "My husband is at home today, I'll have him come by and pick him up."

We've tried plenty of things. The pediatrician I took him to told me he was healthy, but agreed he shouldn't be biting at this age. She faxed a referral to a developmental clinic at Texas Children's Hospital, who mailed me a book's worth of forms to fill out so he can be put on their waiting list to be seen by a developmental pediatrician. Once they get it, I can expect to hear from them in 6 months to a year and then make an appointment (no telling how long the waiting time for an appointment will be).

We saw the licensed counselor who works through the church and who was able to observe him on the playground.

"He's a beautiful little boy," she said.

But pretty is as pretty does, isn't it? And my 4 year old can do some ugly things without any obvious provocation. The final incident was when he walked up to another child and acted like he was going to hug him, but instead bit him on the chest. It was a deep, skin tearing sort of bite. I know the other child's parents must be furious.

As for me, I'm just numb.

The counselor emailed me a list of recommendations we could try to curb the behavior, and called me to let me know she was sending me the list.

"I talked to Meridith and she said they would try them…" she said.

"Meridith just called me," I cut her off, "He bit another child today. She said not to bring him back."

"Oh." She hesitated. "Well, take a look at my recommendations, and we can get together later and figure out where to go."

I read her list when I got off the phone. Everything on it we had either tried, or wasn't feasible.

This afternoon we have an appointment with another licensed therapist today we were referred to by my husband's insurance. I'm not hopeful he will have any better advice than what has already failed. Every time I think I've found the solution, it blows up in my face. I don't think it is a single issue with my little boy, I think it is several issues – a developmental delay in his social skills, a low tolerance for frustration, his introverted nature, his irregular circadian rhythm that makes me stay awake long after he is put to bed – combining into a destructive maelstrom that he unleashes on other children.

Still, I don't live with the little monster they describe. I live with the little Dr Jekyll. The tiny Mr. Hyde only comes out at daycare. He doesn't bite at home, and he doesn't throw tantrums or even throw toys across the room. He's never scratched me or his father. At home he is a normal little boy.

I'll look for someone to watch him in their home, with fewer kids and a homelike environment. Of course, I have to tell them about his previous problems and hope like hell they are willing to take a chance on him. For the right person, he can and will behave. Even at daycare he was perfectly sweet for certain teachers.

So far, though, hope hasn't been working out for me very well.



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I have to admit, though, he's beautiful.

Comments

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

After you posted about the 5-bite-in-one-day day last week, I sort of figured that the clock was ticking on his stay at this particular daycare. However, I do truly believe that everything (including the seems-really-crappy-at-the-time stuff) happens for a reason and that perhaps this will be what it takes to get him out of the cookie-cutter-kid environment and put with that "magic" person who is able to help him sort these things out in a way that all the therapists and psychologists and their fancy books can't.

(damn, that was a long sentence)

Best of luck to you, and know that Babe and I are sending you vibes of encouragement not because we know it's the nice thing to do, but because we know that you'll figure out the solution.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

I ran a home daycare -- in a few different stretches -- for a total of 8 years. Some kids really do behave better in that setting. Some kids do not do well in big groups. Others thrive in the bigger group.
What part of the country are you in?
Another idea:
School is letting out soon--maybe a high school/jr high/college girl could babysit him for the summer in your home? That would give hime a break from "group" action.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hope you're right.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I'm in Texas, just northwest of Houston.

No, group action doesn't work for him. I've got to try something different.

A coworker told me to check out Care.com, and I put an ad on it yesterday. I'm also going to try Craig's List.

There seem to be a lot of the people on the list who are young people in it for the summer work. I'm going to take a day off next week and try to meet and interview people. I'm on edge, though, about finding the right person and environment.

[captainschlumpy.livejournal.com]

oh man, I'm really sorry to hear it didn't work out after all. Your son is lucky to have parents that are willing to try so hard for him. My youngest brother used to choke kids for no reason even though he was a perfect angel at home. My mom tried everything before finally putting him on ritalin (he did turn out to have ADHD) but it was very frustrating for everyone involved. I hope you find something that works out for you.

[millysdaughter.livejournal.com]

Call the local high school and junior high home-ec department or school secretary-- that is an easy way to find a good babysitter for the summer.
Then he can have a summer free of stress.

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

If only you lived nearer to Beaumont, then I'd recommend my MIL to you to watch him. She's got all sorts of education and certifications for working in a daycare, though she's currently not doing so. She'd love to watch little ones in her home, I know. Other than that, the only other person I can think of that I know in Texas lives in Brownsville. But, she used to watch my little hellions for a bit, and now she has one of her own, too, so I'd trust her, as well, to watch my own, as well as recommend her to friends for the same.

I do hope you find a wonderful solution, and a situation that your little angel will thrive and learn well in. He deserves it, as do you. Maybe that's just what he needs, a smaller, more intimate setting, with fewer distractions and more attention to individual needs, that a home daycare provider can offer. Good luck.

[renewedme.livejournal.com]

Oh I couldn't imagine that beautiful little boy even looking at someone mean!

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I haven't been on your side of a situation like this, but I know a lot of parents who have, and it has to be incredibly painful. For all of you. I hope you are able to find a resolution that makes all of you happy, and that it turns out to be a blessing.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I think just about any parent worth their salt would do whatever they have to do. I, to, hope we find something that works for us.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The weird thing is, he often doesn't look at anyone mean when he does it. He calmly walks up and bites them, the way you and I might shake hands. It's strange.

He's perfectly loving and eager to please adults, he just doesn't always get along with people his own size. :(

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hope so, as well.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the problem might be a single, negative influence... and by that I mean "Rainy?" Sometimes, it can be as simple as one kid encouraging bad behaviour. I had a few of those in my time. Mom pulled me out of one school to escape a bad influence. There were others I had to forcibly get distance from because I recognized, myself, that I wasn't a likable person around them. The reason I suspect her is because they have such an exclusive friendship AND she was caught telling him to bite someone -- caught once, but how often MISSED?!? Some relationships are just toxic. I'd be curious to see if he improves after time away from her.

[magsmom.livejournal.com]

you will. you will.
As you told me one day, it has to get real dark before you can see all the stars. (I saved that one because I loved it.)

[hermes-wade.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to offer love, hugs, and sympathy. I don't have much advice, because I'm not a parent and wouldn't know the first thing to advise.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Rainy has often been the victim of the bites, as well, so I'm not sure I can pin all the blame on her.

Most of the time, it happened spontaneously and often without any known provocation. :P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and no problem. I haven't met any other parents who've had to deal with this particular issue in the way it happens with my son. We've reached the point where we are seeking advice from people who get paid to give it.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I'd forgotten I'd said that.

It seems pretty dark right now. I guess I should stop staring down at my feet and look skyward...

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

Wow...just wow. Is that the only daycare he's attended? Maybe it was something to do with the size of the center or the center itself? Sometimes home daycare works better for children who act out. Sometimes it doesn't. I guess I can see it from both points of view, the centers (and other parents) and yours.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and it must be especially frustrating, considering you don't get to see this behavior firsthandedly. It's hard to discipline a child for behavior you never experience for yourself...

But he is a beautiful child. *wry smile*

*HUGS NINA TIGHT*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's the second one. There were problems with the first one he went to (in that case, it was them, not him), and I put him in this one when he was 18 months old.

I'm hoping that having one caregiver the whole day, everyday (rather than several throughout the day, and sometimes they change through out the week)and fewer other kids around may make a difference.

I don't blame them one bit. It was either my son went, or 6 other parents pulled their kids out. From a business point of view, it's a no brainer.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

They are a private business, so they can chose who they want to serve.

My child was injuring other children and those parents were threatening to pull their children out. They gave us more chances than I can count. I haven't tallied the bite reports from this year alone, but between the other students and the occasional teacher there were probably close to 30 incidents, maybe more. 5 in one week would be bad for any child, and my son could bite 5 in one day (though 1 to 3 was more likely).

I can't blame the school or the other parents. The painful truth is that other children were getting injured and my child was not safe for them to be around.

Believe me, it sucks to have to admit that.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

Still, he's been there a long time...

That might help him a lot. Give him more stability. Sometimes it's hard to have constantly changing stream of people in your day like that.

At least you're smart and "big" enough to see the other point of view. Not every parent is that generous of spirit...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

They've given me more chances than I can count, probably because he's been there since he was so little and because I always paid them on time (that in itself got me a lot of good will).

I would actually recommend them to anyone looking for a good daycare. They are a good facility and very understanding. I like most of the staff and the management.

Believe me when I say the number of incidents with my son was staggering. I can't deny that, and so I can't hate them.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Then I blame the Baptists. I know, I know... they SEEMED like a reputable facility, but remember what I was like when I first came up to visit? Yeah... that was the Baptists' doing. Maybe they were lining the children up and making them clap and recite dos and donts? That would make ME wanna bite someone.

This is TOTALLY tongue in cheek, of course. Well... mostly.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Not all the people who worked there are Baptist. I know for a fact one of the ladies in the front desk (the one who's boob got pinched on Monday, in fact) is a Lutheran. At least one of his teacher is Catholic. They are an "equal opportunity" employer that happens to operate thought the First Baptist Church (which is a "Regular Baptist" church, whatever the heck that means).

I can't blame the school. Maybe the environment is not right for my son, but it's a good environment for a lot of the kids there.

Especially now that they won't have to worry about being bitten. :P