Thursday – Mommy's Little Hellion

[ninanevermore]

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"If this continues, we may have to ask you to stop bringing him here."

I stopped breathing when the director of my son's daycare said this to me.

"We're willing to work with you. What do you recommend we do?"

"I...," I began, hoping one of those light bulbs that you see in cartoons would appear over my head and a brilliant idea would tumble out of my mouth into the phone receiver. There was a long, awkward silence before I finished with a feeble, "...don't know. He's not like this at home. I don't have any problems like this when he's with me. Give me a chance to look into getting him a therapist. I'll discuss this with my husband and see what we can come up with. I'm so, so sorry."

"Other parents are complaining and threatening to pull their children out," Meridith, the director at the center, said apologetically. "I can't let that happen."

I told her I understood.

After the phone call, I slipped off the women's restroom to have a good cry.

She'd told me that as soon as my son stepped out on the playground yesterday, he attacked a child holding a toy he wanted. Then he bit another child for just standing too close to him. The whole time the center was on the phone with me, I could hear him with them in the front office, screaming. He was in full meltdown mode.

People who work with children day in and day out were asking me how to handle my child. He is like not like anything they've ever seen. I understand their frustration. I understand why they don't like him. As much as I love him, I completely understand why the people who have to work with him despise him.

God, I decided, is playing dice with the Universe. There is no rhyme or reason why a child like mine was given to a parent as clueless as me. And whoever came up with the idea that God never gives you more than you can handle idea was out of their mind. I'd just talked to two women on the phone who were getting their asses kicked by my 4 year old, and they couldn't handle him. The only prayer I could come up with was a simple Help me!, but I wasn't expecting any answer to that besides Sorry, Toots, you're on your own.

Women cry when we are in distress. I've read that it rids the body of toxic stress chemicals and, once the storm has passed, it relaxes and calms us. Yesterday I discovered another evolutionary benefit to crying: while tears drive away men because they are afraid they are about about to be manipulated, they attract other women who will offer sympathy and wisdom. Sometimes, they even attract the right woman: one who might just be the answer to a prayer.

I washed my face, but I knew only time would make the redness and swelling go away. I tried to slip back to my cubicle unnoticed to hide until I looked presentable again.

"Hey, have you started that forth book yet?" It was Whatsherface from down the hall in strategic pricing. I don't know her name, but when I found out she liked the Twilight novels, I lent her the first two Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. They are pulp fiction, vampire-romance-mystery-comedy-novels with no socially redeeming values, beyond the fact that they are great fun to read. They are chick-lit, but with fangs. They are also very, very addictive. Whatsherface bought the next two novels and had left the 4th one on my desk a few days before. "Oh," she said when she saw my face, "Is something wrong?"

I smiled, which had to look kind of macabre on my tear-stained face. "No, just having a nervous breakdown." Then the whole story tumbled out of me.

"Girl," she said, nodding sympathetically, "I've been there." She told me her ten year old had the same kind of problems when he was small. "Do you want to know what worked with my son?"

Did I ever. I was at wit's end.

She gave me an outline of what her son's therapist had her do. The short version is that every day when I drop him off, I have to let him know what's expected of him. Today, you will not bite anyone. You will not throw your shoes at anyone. You will do what your teacher asks you to do, and so on. The voice must be firm, and the language must be unambiguous: he must not believe that he has a choice in the matter of whether he will behave or not. His teacher must repeat these same instructions to him when she sees him. I must get feedback from his teachers of what he did right and wrong each day (I made a form with a checklist, to make it easier for them). At the end of the day, I must tell him, I am very disappointed in that you did… but also I'm very proud that you... and list all the things he did that were good.

"My son has an appointment with his therapist next week," she told me, "I'll ask him if he can refer you to someone on your side of town. In the meantime, ask them to give you two weeks with this. I promise; you'll start to see a difference. It sounds too good to be true, but just watch."

I told her I'd give it a try.

"Do you know if your son is GT?" she asked. I gave her a blank look. "Gifted and Talented," she clarified, "That turned out to be what my son's problem is. His intellect is more developed than other kids his age, but emotionally he was lagging behind. What you're describing is very typical of GT kids."

I told her I have no idea. It would nice to hear that he is. On the other hand, I can't escape the nagging fear that he's just a bad kid. Except not at home, or at his grandparents' house.

"Just at school," she said, nodding. "My son was the same way."

Last night, I handed the daycare center what I'd written up and was asking them to do, along with a stack of forms for my son's teachers to report back to me how he behaved. I'll talk to the director herself this evening and set up an appointment for my husband and me to meet with her. There are other issues I need to discuss with her, such as which forms of discipline work with my son and which don't (so far, they've only figured out the latter).

This morning, I sat my son on the hood of my car and made him look me in the eye.

"Today," I began, "You will not bite anyone. Do you understand?"

"Uh huh," he said. I went through the list of what I expected of him.

"I expect you to have a good day today. I love you. Can I have a hug?"

"Okay." He hugged me. "I love you." There were no tears when I dropped him off inside the building. For once, he was calm and quite.

The daycare hasn't called me today. So far.

We'll try this for two weeks, and we'll see. If it works it means I owe the lady-down-the-hall-who-likes-vampire-novels, big time. I really should learn what her name is.

If it fails, I guess I'm on my own.


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Comments

[anne-nahm.livejournal.com]

The woman sounds like a gift. Hope things turn around quickly - it sounds like it would be really hard to be in that position.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

He had a good day, by and large. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm hopefully optimistic. :)

she's right

[regatomic.livejournal.com]

structure is the answer, even if it requires a bit more than a stern voice,.. but with you're relationship with your son, i think you'll be fine,..o.o

Re: she's right

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Not just structure, but clear expectations seem to be the answers.

Duh!

You know how people used to slap themselves in the head in those V8 commercials? I'm gonna have a bruise on my forehead by tomorrow from doing that.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

My first kid was like that.
he is 13 now. At three and a half he sent his friend home crying. he had convinced the other boy that his father was dead. I asked him why. he said, "but mom it was the only way to get his toy". I thought he was psycho!!
the terms "gifted and talented" have become a running joke in this house.

but yeah the woman is right. GT kids just have "splinter skills". Ahead in some areas and behind in others.
I like the plan she suggested.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

After the first day, I can say so far, so good.

The fact that the advise came from a doctor seemed to convince the school it was worth a try.

[magsmom.livejournal.com]

sounds like excellent advice. That could work regardless of what's driving his behavior.

And there is nothing worse for a parent - especially a mom- to hear that their child is not fitting in. Whether it's GT or anything else. So go ahead and cry.

It will be alright, but if the crying feels right, go for it.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Crying helps. I try to do it when no ones' around, but it's a great pressure relief valve, and I think men are silly not to use it. :)

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your troubles. I can offer some advice on the teacher's part of this, if you feel you need any additional input at any time. I taught special needs kindergarten for 6 years, and have dealt successfully with too many behavioral issues to list.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

His teacher is sick to death of him and dislikes him (I don't blame her, but it still hurts). She and the director sounded skeptical of what I was asking of them, but she completed the form and followed my instructions, with amazingly good results. He had the best day he's had in a long time. He wasn't perfect, but he was much, much better.

I guess where I need advise is on dealing with teachers. I feel like his teacher thinks that my son is not worth the extra time and attention she has to give him.

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of teachers that are vested in the "typical" students, and don't want to go above and beyond for any student out of the "normal" parameters, be it on the upper or lower end of the spectrum, behavior-wise as well as academic. It sounds like your son has above-level intelligence, and below-level behavior. One of the best things you can do is make sure you give the teachers postive feedback on things THEY are doing right, much as you are asking them to do for your boy. Tell them you appreciate their hard work, and make a big deal of the positive things THEY do. This is likely to work as well on them as it would work on a child; they will be more likely to bend over backwards if they feel like you appreciate their effort. Isn't it funny that the same techniques apply? I am not saying they deserve the praise, and I'm not saying you should feel like being positive. Fake it if you have to. But they will be more likely to work with both of you if they think you appreciate their effort. Also, I'd stress to the teacher (after you pay a nice compliment) that they need to be consistent to a fault. Your son has to know the consequence he'll be receiving for each rule he breaks, and the consequence has to immediate and without fail. He will test them to see if they mean it, and it is likely to be worse before it gets better. But when he sees they mean business, he'll behave.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Let's face it, an easy job is always preferable to a hard job for most people, especially when the take home pay is the same. I get that. My kid is a hard job in an otherwise easy workload.

The funny thing about punishment is, swift and immediate is not what works with my kid. Timeout sends him into the red zone, and he has a meltdown. The whole time he is in time out, he scream, flails, kicks, and throws whatever projectiles he can get his hands on.

When he was smaller I checked out the book by "Supernanny" Jo Frost from the library, and I learned her method of "escalation." For the first incident, you remind the child of the rule. For the second, you remind them of the rule and tell them what will happen if they break it again. For the third, they get "the naughty spot" or timeout. This allows the child a chance to self-correct, and they learn self discipline, which the whole reason we discipline kids in the first place.

I think this is why I don't have problems at home (I've learned what works with him), but they do have problems with him at school.

With my son, the first few times we went through all 3 steps. After he learned I was serious, he might go as far as step 2. Now, when he acts up, I remind him of the rule and it doesn't happen again. Period. Just like on the show. It' tempting to skip step 1, or sometimes step 2, but it takes all 3 steps. At home, I correct him and make him apologize, and that's it, no more problems. It's like magic. I swear.

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

You're a good Mama, and it sounds like you really do all you can to help him be successful. It's really a shame it's a different situation at school. I feel for you, I really do.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

I really hope this is one of those cases where the Universe sends you the right person at the right time and that this works *hugs*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I hope so too. *hugs back*

[mersipan.livejournal.com]

I hope everything turns out okay! It sounded like your co-worker had some good advice. Good luck with everything.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm optimistic, especially after this first day went so well.

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

I will go to my grave believing all of us, whether we know it at the time or not, are called upon to be angels for others. We provide the spark that brings light to another's life, we provide the helping hand to life each other up, etc. etc. It sounds like just through her words, this woman did her job and acted as an angel for you.

Plus, this falls into ANOTHER belief I'm fond of sharing with people and that is: when in doubt, try a NEW kind of crazy.

Best of luck to you both.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Who would have guessed that angles could have pierced tongues and like trashy vampire novels? I never would have guessed.

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

I've met angels in boardrooms wearing suits, angels pushing mops in basements, and even an angel on a DC street corner with a cigarette in his mouth and a gun in his waistband. Trust me when I tell you that they come in all types. That's the beauty of it.

[renewedme.livejournal.com]

Kudos to your daycare for talking to you and being willing to work with you.

I think your coworker has excellent advice.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

A daycare director with a bi-polar kid tends to have sympathy, but only so much. I think she would be happier if I could say, "He's on medication now, no more worries."

The first dry run of my co-worker's advice today was successful beyond my wildest expectation. She was lamenting today that the final Sookie Stackhouse novel coves out this May in hardcover (we've been swapping paperbacks of all the others). Not only am I gonna pay the hardcover price for that book so we can read it, I'm gonna tell her she can keep it.

But I'm also gonna ask can I borrow it after she reads it first. I think she'll be cool with that.

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

hugs

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[waterlilly.livejournal.com]

It's tough to have the kid that no one knows what to do with. I was expecting an odd but academic kid who would have creative ideas but mainly normal behavior and easy good grades (another me, essentially), and instead I got a kid who could not be persuaded to have anything to do with school and whose teachers regularly called demanding advice on how to motivate him that I did not have. He cussed out the daycare headmistress at age four, and he skipped a class in kindergarten, if that gives you any idea. I'm thankful every day that he wasn't violent, just .... difficult.

Your unnamed angel is right about a lot of things. You need to give him clear, unequivocal expectations. When you tell him something to do, you expect him to do it. I believe a lot of trouble happens in daycare and at school because the teachers are not as consistent and structured with these kids as they need to be, and the kids will push the envelope of what they can get away with to the limit. These kind of kids are good for their parents because they know Mom will kick their butts, but they can smell fear, incompetence and a lack of experience on a teacher like sharks smell blood.

I also recommend a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It helped us a bunch, and really it would probably help his teachers a lot too.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Most kids test boundaries; my kid obliterates boundaries to the best of his ability, and tries to redraw them on his terms.

Thanks for recommending the books. I'll check them out. :)

[creactivity.livejournal.com]

If he is GT, it's likely he sensed his teacher's impatience or dislike and has given up on her. And he's probably bored. Kids who can run the show (even in negative ways) often do. He likely needs a creative way of channeling his energy, even if his energy is telling him he needs the toy someone else has right now.

You're doing great. I'm pulling for you.

Do you watch True Blood on HBO?

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Vampire-book mom suggested taking him out of daycare and putting him into a "learning center" that might offer him more intellectual challenge. She said it made a difference with her son.

I'm too cheap to spring for premium cable (which is good, because I don't get a chance to watch TV). Vampire-book mom just started watching True Blood, and she says she's disappointed in the casting of Sookie and Bill, and that they changed things that should have been left the same. She does, however, think that they did a good job casting Eric and Jason. She says that, as is most often the case, the books are better than the shows.

When I get a chance to watch grown up TV again, I may rent the series just to what its like. I'm curious.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good plan of action. I can see things from the daycare directors POV too. I fear that other parents will threaten to pull their kids because Yandel bites and hits. But it's nice to know what works too. Maybe I'll have to try that with MY troublemakers. ^^ Though I'm not so sure that they're GT. Just from what I see with their learning abilities...

*HUGS* *fingers crossed*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I can totally see from their POV. If I were them, I wouldn't like my kid, either.

I think some kids just need more structure and clearer directions than others, and my son is one of those. He's not hopeless, but takes a little extra effort. I don't blame his teacher for preferring the "easy" children one bit.

**hugs Dawn back**