Thursday – Trapping Scooby Doo in the Attic (with Monsters)

[ninanevermore]

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Before I could take my son home from his daycare yesterday, I had to sign an "Incident Report." It seems he has a new afternoon teacher, and he has decided her limits need to be tested. She only had 4 lines to write down everything he had done, so she wrote very small to get it all one there. It seems that he threw his shoes at her (they were confiscated and he had to spend the rest of the day in his sock feet), tried to bite her (she was too fast and got away from him), tried to throw a large toy metal truck at her, and not only did he refuse to stay in time out when she tried to punish him, he taunted her by saying, "Ha, ha! I'm moving out of time out!"

The sad thing is, I couldn't get angry when I read the report, because I was too busy feeling relieved that he hadn't bit another child and no one got hurt.

I always wanted to be the mother of that kid that everyone loves and can't get enough of. The kid that teacher tell you is a joy to work with, and kids clamor to be the one who gets to play with him. Instead, I am the mother who buys books with titles like Raising Your Spirited Child to try to figure out how to handle a little boy who is a little more intense than other kids. He's more headstrong, more curious, more impatient, more sensitive, more everything. I'm pretty sure his new teacher is convinced he is more pain that she wants to deal with.

"You were a pill today," I said to my son.

"Let's go home," he said. "I'm hungry."

He pretends not to hear criticism, and yelling at him just causes him to shut down and start screaming himself. I mulled over how to handle him while I buckled him into his seat. As we drove off, he started talking about Scooby Doo. He recently discovered the What's New, Scooby Doo? series and he loves it.

"Can I watch a Scooby Doo movie when we get home?" he asked.

"No," I told him, "Because you were ugly to your teacher."

I heard a small gasp from the backseat. No Scooby? Impossible!

"But, I want to watch Scooby Doo!" Want and need are the same thing to his mind.

"If you're good tomorrow, maybe you can watch a movie then. Tonight, you can't watch any movies."

"But I know where all the movies are kept," he said smugly.

"If you try to watch your movies when I've told you that you can't, I'll take them away. I'll put them all in the attic," I said. I paused, "Where the monsters live."

He's believes there are monsters in the attic. I'm not certain where he got the idea, but he's very concerned when his father or I go up there. We've told him if there are monsters in the attic, they are nice like the ones on Sesame Street, but he prefers not to have anything to do with any sort of monsters.

"There are a lot of movies," he said calmly, "You can't hold them all."

"I'll put them in a bag and put the bag in the attic."

"But there are a lot of movies."

"I'll use a big a bag."

He was quiet for a moment.

"If you put all my movies in the attic," he said, "I'll build a castle out of my toys and use my grabnabber to open the attic and get the movies out." His grabnabber is a toy with a plastic claw that picks up sand or other toys. He's sure it can be used to reach all pretty much anything. I understood his plan was to pile all his toys in the hallway beneath the pull-down door to the attic and use the "grabnabber" to grab the rope pull on the door and thus give him access to the Scooby Doo movies I planned deny him. He was certain he would be victorious. But I have been on this earth much longer than he has, and am thus wiser and more cunning than he.

"I'll cut the string off of the attic door, and then you won't have anything to grab with your grabnabber. The door won't open at all. Even Daddy won't be able to open it if I cut the string off."

Thwarted by my evil genius, he started to cry. "No! No! You aren't allowed to cut the string off of the attic! That would be stupid!"

"Don't you throw your shoes at me," I said. I couldn't see behind me in the dark, but I sensed he was considering this option. He continued to whimper. Then he rolled down his window. I used my "Mom" controls on my door to roll it back up and lock it. This infuriated him further.

"I hate that button! It's a stupid 'ol button! I want it taken out of this car!"

"Too bad."

By the time we got home, he was exhausted and subdued. When I opened the back door to let him out, I noticed his shoes were kicked off and lying on the floorboard. He had to walk up to the house in his socks, which he "hates" doing because it's "stupid."

By dinner, he was calm and had accepted that there would be no movie to watch.

By bedtime, he was sleepy, but still concerned I might cut the string off of the attic door. He advised he that the string is supposed to be there, and it would be bad if it were gone. He was calm and rational when he explained this to me.

I told him I agreed that the string should probably be left on the attic, and I'd think it over before I cut it off.

Hopefully, today will be a better day.




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Comments

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

Oh man. I sooooooooo identify with what you're going through. It brings back many a memory from when I was teaching, and I was The Queen of Logical Consequences. I used the Sock Consequence a LOT. Now, granted, this was a classromm setting for kids with special needs, and most of the kids with issues had REALLY BIG ISSUES. Your son sounds, well, spirited. But I can see a similarity to the emotional intensity of some of the episodes I experienced. It sounds like you handled him exactly right, and know what you're doing, even if it is exhausting and endless. *hugs* I bet when he's behaving, he is the sweetest thing ever. He's like my 6 year-old. He wears every emotion on his sleeve, good or otherwise.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

After 4 years, I know what this new teacher (she's a recent hire) has yet to figure out: my son does not respond to negative reinforcement. He will reflect the negativity back to the adult, the situation will only escalate.

I guess I need to schedule a meeting with her. She's probably going to think I'm some whiny mom claiming my kid needs to be treated special, so I'm not looking forward to it.

[martina-d.livejournal.com]

I hope she will respect that you are trying to make her job easier, and that you are helping her to be successful with him. After all, you DO know him best. Good luck! ;)

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the attic. For many of my first years in our house, I was terrified of the attic. It was an old house and whenever the wind would blow, things up there would move. I was convinced there were demons and monsters and other bad creatures living above our heads. Then one day, I faced my fears, opened the attic door and marched up there. It was so cool. The floor was covered with this fluffy pink stuff (fiberglass insulation) that was fun to lay in and jump around on. There were all sorts of knick-knacks with sharp edges and collectibles from the 2-3 families who had lived in the house before us. There were even exposed electrical wires. Yesireebob, the attic was great. Except for when I'd come back downstairs and itch and sneeze terribly.

He sounds like a pretty headstrong little guy. I predict that he'll find his way up there long before you think he's capable. LoL

BTW, you'll have to tell me what the appropriate reaction is for getting hit in the back of the head by a flying shoe while driving.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

One of the benefits to being 5'1" tall is that the back of the seat does a good job of protecting my head from projectiles. The closest he's come to hitting me is when he manages to hit the dashboard with something and it bounces into my lap.

The appropriate reaction it to hold up the thrown object and say, "Thank you. Since you threw it, it's mine now. I'm keeping it." Ticks him off every time, and he will apologize and be good to get back whatever I have when the trip is over.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

I sincerely hope today is a better day. You are doing great with him already.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I know him well enough to know what works with him and what doesn't. My son responds to negative reinforcement by becoming more negative. Logical consequences (i.e., you throw shoes, you lose your shoes) work, but yelling, time outs, and the like have little effect on him. I guess I need to have a talk with his new teacher.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

Yah I find the time out stuff doesn't work at all, all those shows on TV that recommend them, but everyone is individual, if that makes any sense! *grin*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense. Not all adults are alike, and each child is unique as well.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

He's very much 4.

When he's sweet, he's very sweet. When he's not...I have to sign incident reports.

[bumblebee.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you are really good with him, but I'm sure he tests your patience often.

Kids, eh?!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Kids, indeed. I had no idea what I was getting into. This parenting thing, I though it was supposed to come natural. Turns out its all a big trial and error process. :P

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

Sarah is finally understanding the difference between want and I need. It only took my saying, "want and need are two different things. you might want to, but you don't need to." or..."you might want it but you don't need it."
Bless your heart. Sarah is definitely strong willed and challenging but I'm hoping Mark and I can work on that wonderful quality so that she'll use it when she's caught in a situation requiring her to do the right thing and she's pressured to do otherwise. Hopefully, she'll use that strong will for the positive once she's older.

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

I forgot to add that I've been saying that phrase for more than 3 years. LOL!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My mom used to say the same thing to me.

The Spirited Child book (I've become a dork who reads and subscribes to child rearing books now, I guess) points out that the traits we dislike in "spirited" children - perseverance, creativity, a strong sense of self reliance - are traits that we admire in adults. The kids that are hardest to raise turn into the amazing people we admire when they are grown. The trick as a parent is (for us) to survive their childhood, to teach them to manage their excesses and get along with other people. It's a balancing act.

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

I had to laugh reading your entry because your son sounds SOOO much like mine (now almost 8 yo) and I bought "Raising a Spirited Child" back when he was 3.

And yes, the trick is to survive the childhood. Believe me, I know.

I think part of it has to do with brains. My son is currently being tested at school to see if he is "gifted." He has incredible perseverance when he wants, didn't read until near the end of 1st grade but now loves it and is self-motivated to improve. In 2nd grade, he now reads (and is tested to read at) a 5th grade 2nd month level.

He is incredibly creative but that does/did lead to conversations like you described, he can come up with so many ways, I'll say, "OK, then I will take it away" and he comes up with one better then I have to up the ante, etc.

Your kid may be gifted too but you may not get to officially know until say second grade. In our school district they don't test kids for it until the second half of second grade.

Check out:

http://www.ri.net/gifted_talented/character.html

I bet you might recognize your son. Most of it really sounds like mine.

Time will tell I guess.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My son is bright. Whether he falls under the "gifted" category, I don't yet know. Mostly, he's stubborn, intense, and very introverted. I've watched him play and he puts so much effort into the story line and scenarios he creates that he has no patience for anyone jumping in and distracting him. He is his own best friend.

That's a great book. I'm thinking of buying an extra copy and donating it to the daycare center. :P

[mugglemomjsw.livejournal.com]

Good luck! Ugh, you got to love nights like that!! Since I'm having all these doctor appointments and hospital stays, Jackson is way more sensitive than he has been before. And since he's staying w/ my dad and step-mom a lot as a result, he's also VERY spoiled. Gotta love these 4 year-olds... I don't know what we're going to do in about 10 years... *cringes*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine how your health issue are affecting him. Poor Jackson!

4 year olds are as lovable as they are exhausting. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but there are moments when I think I'm in way over my head.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Life with a 4 year old is always dramatic; I'll concur that life with my year old crosses the line into epic.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Our family seems to produce more than its fair share of "spirited" children. Fortunately, most of us turn out a lot better than expected... which is to say, we ain't ded yet.

E sounds PRECISELY like Rorie!!! So demanding and clever and with an answer for everything. She, too, responds poorly to negative reinforcement and has yet to distinguish between "want" and "need." I trust her strong will serve her well later in life. Meanwhile, she's never met a stranger and everyone seems to love her. Alas, she informed me today that she wants to be a CHEERLEADER when she grows up!!!

Oh, and Buddy has officially entered the Terribles. Today, he learned to say, "NO!"

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Let's face it: stupid kids are a hell of a lot easier to raise than smart kids. In that light, I guess our glasses are half full. :D

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

I AGREE. And sometimes (this sounds so wrong) I wish my 3 kids were NOT so smart. The things they come up with...oh man. The stories I could tell..

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

He and Bodhi sound a lot alike, except that B doesn't cause problems at school, he just saves them up for me :) Yet I have never given him a time-out. I find that talking to him works best.

Yours sounds so precious, and so smart. But don't you hate that word 'stupid?'

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I've tried time out, but it doesn't work well for him. It's a punishment of last resort.

What works is withholding affection - he is sensitive and can't bear it. The teacher who handle him well are ones who "love" on him. When they get mad at him, it devastates him and so he tries not to make them mad because their love and approval means so much to him. The teachers who can't manage him are the stern, no-nonsense type. Since they don't give him affection in the first place, they can't withdraw it. He's like a little mirror; positive people get a positive reflection from him, and negative people get a negative reflection (only 10 fold).

I'm hoping this pattern gets less extreme as he gets older.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

And yes, I do hate the word "stupid." I've figured out that it's shorthand for "this displeases me." He's not allowed to call people stupid, but things and situation are okay, since he's entitled to his opinion.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

He is a pill, isn't he? I wonder what I would do with a kid like him in my daycare? I mean, I get so angry at the naughty boys in my daycare and I get so frustrated. I would HATE to get frustrated at your little boy, because I can see how adorable he can be...

Of course, I've tried quietly reasoning with some of the daycare boys and it works not at all. And their moms aren't nearly the caring mom that you are... I'm sure nary a one has ever contemplated buying a book to help them understand their children and most of them deny that their kids have problems...

*HUGS NINA TIGHT*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Depending on your personality, you might not have a problem with him. The teachers who are loving toward him manage him fine, because the only sure punishment that works with him is to withhold affection. He loves to be loved. He can't stand for an adult he likes to be upset with him, and he goes out of his way to please them. He's kind of like a puppy in this regard. :)

This teacher is a stern, no nonsense woman, and he never responds well to her type. Since he doesn't like her, he doesn't care whether she likes him or not. It's a problem that I'm trying to figure out to fix. How to I tell her, "Be sweet to him, and he'll be sweet back?" when she's not a sweet person to begin with? Some people just aren't. :P

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

I try to be loving at first. I hate playing the badass babysitter, but sometimes it is what it is. And with the kids I DO have, that's how I have to be.

Maybe I'll be getting out of daycare soon...if I can find something that pays okay...

*HUGS* Your boy is a sweetheart!! And he has a sweetheart for a mom!!

[willowwanders.livejournal.com]

I have all this to look forward to ;-)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Hopefully, your child will be less of a challenge (*grin*). Whether he's a challenge or not, be prepared to love him like you've never loved another human being. You have no idea you are capable of such love until it hits you. You will be amazed, and that love makes days like I describe here strangely worth it. :)

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

So true, I could not have said it better, Nina.