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ninanevermoreToday on my drive into work, I was thinking about how most of the sickly sweet "forward this if you love God or God will smite you" emails that I get are from a former co-worker of mine who smokes more pot, drinks more booze, says more swear words, and has more casual sex than anyone else I know. This makes the emails less annoying than getting them from a truly pious person, because the fact that they came from her makes me giggle.
This young woman, who I call Vee, does not attend any sort of religious services. In fact, she is what I call a "spiritual refugee," in that she was raised in one of those religions that leave people twitchy once they distance themselves from it. Her sole nod to theology is filling my inbox with emails filled with cherubs and flowers and praying hands that tell me that the more people I forward them to, the faster my prayers will be answered, and if I delete them I'm probably going to hell.
Vee, who used to ride to work with me some years back, was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. She told me a little about their beliefs.
"We don't believe in hell or anything like that. We think that God will come to Earth, and make paradise here. It'll be really nice, no one will get sick, everyone will get along, and the animals won't bite you or anything like that," she said.
She hadn't been a Witness for years at this point and had even gotten excited when we gave her a birthday cake at the office – her first one ever, at the age of 20 – but she still referred to the church as we.
"I don't think I could belong to a religion that makes celebrating my birthday a sin," I told her.
Learning about their beliefs got me thinking, what if we're both right? What if the Jehovah's Witnesses are right about paradise and I am right about God having a quirky sense of humor? What if, by virtue of God's sense of humor, I alone were the sole non-Witness to granted access to paradise? What would it be like to live in a world for all eternity where everyone except me was a Jehovah's Witness?
The idea makes me shudder.
Can you imagine knowing that every time someone knocked on your door, it would be a Jehovah's Witness? Can you imagine a world where the only publication to read was The Watchtower? Can you imagine a world where no drinks containing caffeine or alcohol were allowed?
I can just see myself post Armageddon, holed up in a mansion that one of the sinners more wealthy than myself was no longer around to enjoy. The rooms would be stacked ceiling to floor with bags of coffee, Coca Cola products, bottles of wine, cases of Jose Cuervo Gold, magazines salvaged from abandoned convenience stores, DVDs of banned movies, forbidden novels, and all the worldly pleasures these people don't believe in.
Every time the doorbell would ring, I'd be still and quiet, hoping they'd go away. They never would though. They couldn't; it just wouldn't be very Witnessy of them.
"Yoo-hoo!" the Jehovah's Witnesses would say, "We know you're in there!"
After awhile, I would open the door just a crack so I could peer out at them.
"How did you know I was home?"
"Because you always are; you almost never leave unless you need to find food, and you did that yesterday. We couldn't help but notice you haven't picked up the last few issues of The Daily Watchtower, so we brought them to the door for you."
"You can throw them away," I'd say, "I mean, this is paradise, isn't it? No one ever gets murdered, no one ever steals anything, or assaults anyone, or has their life dissolve into scandal. No houses burn down, no cities get bombed, no drunk drivers run over innocent bystanders, and all the corrupt politicians are gone for good. Newspapers just aren't as much fun to read as they used to be."
"But look," one of them would say, opening up the paper and holding it up, "Here on the front page, there's a picture taken on Main Street yesterday of a lion laying down with a lamb! Imagine that! Isn't that sweet?"
"Yeah, it was kind of cool the first thousand times I saw something like that. Now it doesn't do anything for me. Sorry. Look, I was kind of in the middle of something – I don't have time to talk."
"That's fine. But before we go, we wanted to invite you to services this evening. We think it would do you some good to get out of the house. You're looking a little, you know, pasty these days."
"Not tonight. Thanks."
"Well, maybe tomorrow. We'll drop by again later."
"I know. You always do."
After they left, I would go back to reading my book, only to hear another knock at the door. Enraged, I would throw it open and begin shouting, "Look! I already told you, I'm busy! Just go away! Leave me the #$%^! alone... Oh, it's you. Hi, Jesus."
"Hi. Can I come in?"
"Sure. I gotta warn you, though, the place is a mess. I don't do much entertaining these days, on account of the fact that I don't like one single person left in the world."
"It's quite all right. I understand completely."
"Can I ask you a question? Why me? Why did I wind up in paradise with all the Jehovah's Witnesses? I always made fun of them. I made paper airplanes out of their Watchtowers. I slammed the door in their faces. And yet, here I am."
Jesus would grin. "Remember how you always said you though God has sick sense of humor?"
"Yes."
"This kind of proves it, right?"
"Oh my God. I mean... oh my goodness."
"I know what you meant."
"This is so wrong."
Jesus would shrug. "They live for trying to convert people. It wouldn't be much of a paradise for them if I didn't give them someone to convert, would it?"
"Son of a... I mean..."
"I know what you meant. I'm divine like that, remember?"
"I'm in hell. This is hell."
"Just for you, though. Everyone else here is happy."
I would groan and put my head in my hands. When I regained my composure, I'd say, "Hearing this kind of makes me need a drink. Can I get you something, too, Lord?"
"A beer would great," Jesus would say, "They've closed down all the bars and the liquor stores. too. I thought you'd never ask."
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
This young woman, who I call Vee, does not attend any sort of religious services. In fact, she is what I call a "spiritual refugee," in that she was raised in one of those religions that leave people twitchy once they distance themselves from it. Her sole nod to theology is filling my inbox with emails filled with cherubs and flowers and praying hands that tell me that the more people I forward them to, the faster my prayers will be answered, and if I delete them I'm probably going to hell.
Vee, who used to ride to work with me some years back, was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. She told me a little about their beliefs.
"We don't believe in hell or anything like that. We think that God will come to Earth, and make paradise here. It'll be really nice, no one will get sick, everyone will get along, and the animals won't bite you or anything like that," she said.
She hadn't been a Witness for years at this point and had even gotten excited when we gave her a birthday cake at the office – her first one ever, at the age of 20 – but she still referred to the church as we.
"I don't think I could belong to a religion that makes celebrating my birthday a sin," I told her.
Learning about their beliefs got me thinking, what if we're both right? What if the Jehovah's Witnesses are right about paradise and I am right about God having a quirky sense of humor? What if, by virtue of God's sense of humor, I alone were the sole non-Witness to granted access to paradise? What would it be like to live in a world for all eternity where everyone except me was a Jehovah's Witness?
The idea makes me shudder.
Can you imagine knowing that every time someone knocked on your door, it would be a Jehovah's Witness? Can you imagine a world where the only publication to read was The Watchtower? Can you imagine a world where no drinks containing caffeine or alcohol were allowed?
I can just see myself post Armageddon, holed up in a mansion that one of the sinners more wealthy than myself was no longer around to enjoy. The rooms would be stacked ceiling to floor with bags of coffee, Coca Cola products, bottles of wine, cases of Jose Cuervo Gold, magazines salvaged from abandoned convenience stores, DVDs of banned movies, forbidden novels, and all the worldly pleasures these people don't believe in.
Every time the doorbell would ring, I'd be still and quiet, hoping they'd go away. They never would though. They couldn't; it just wouldn't be very Witnessy of them.
"Yoo-hoo!" the Jehovah's Witnesses would say, "We know you're in there!"
After awhile, I would open the door just a crack so I could peer out at them.
"How did you know I was home?"
"Because you always are; you almost never leave unless you need to find food, and you did that yesterday. We couldn't help but notice you haven't picked up the last few issues of The Daily Watchtower, so we brought them to the door for you."
"You can throw them away," I'd say, "I mean, this is paradise, isn't it? No one ever gets murdered, no one ever steals anything, or assaults anyone, or has their life dissolve into scandal. No houses burn down, no cities get bombed, no drunk drivers run over innocent bystanders, and all the corrupt politicians are gone for good. Newspapers just aren't as much fun to read as they used to be."
"But look," one of them would say, opening up the paper and holding it up, "Here on the front page, there's a picture taken on Main Street yesterday of a lion laying down with a lamb! Imagine that! Isn't that sweet?"
"Yeah, it was kind of cool the first thousand times I saw something like that. Now it doesn't do anything for me. Sorry. Look, I was kind of in the middle of something – I don't have time to talk."
"That's fine. But before we go, we wanted to invite you to services this evening. We think it would do you some good to get out of the house. You're looking a little, you know, pasty these days."
"Not tonight. Thanks."
"Well, maybe tomorrow. We'll drop by again later."
"I know. You always do."
After they left, I would go back to reading my book, only to hear another knock at the door. Enraged, I would throw it open and begin shouting, "Look! I already told you, I'm busy! Just go away! Leave me the #$%^! alone... Oh, it's you. Hi, Jesus."
"Hi. Can I come in?"
"Sure. I gotta warn you, though, the place is a mess. I don't do much entertaining these days, on account of the fact that I don't like one single person left in the world."
"It's quite all right. I understand completely."
"Can I ask you a question? Why me? Why did I wind up in paradise with all the Jehovah's Witnesses? I always made fun of them. I made paper airplanes out of their Watchtowers. I slammed the door in their faces. And yet, here I am."
Jesus would grin. "Remember how you always said you though God has sick sense of humor?"
"Yes."
"This kind of proves it, right?"
"Oh my God. I mean... oh my goodness."
"I know what you meant."
"This is so wrong."
Jesus would shrug. "They live for trying to convert people. It wouldn't be much of a paradise for them if I didn't give them someone to convert, would it?"
"Son of a... I mean..."
"I know what you meant. I'm divine like that, remember?"
"I'm in hell. This is hell."
"Just for you, though. Everyone else here is happy."
I would groan and put my head in my hands. When I regained my composure, I'd say, "Hearing this kind of makes me need a drink. Can I get you something, too, Lord?"
"A beer would great," Jesus would say, "They've closed down all the bars and the liquor stores. too. I thought you'd never ask."
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no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-01 09:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-01 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:11 pm (UTC)Jehovah Witnesses cult
Date: 2008-05-02 05:13 am (UTC)A destructive cult of false teachings, that frequently result in spiritual and psychological abuse, as well as needless deaths (bogus blood transfusion ban).
Yes,you can 'check out anytime you want but you can never leave',because they can and will hold your family hostage.
Re: Jehovah Witnesses cult
Date: 2008-05-02 11:46 am (UTC)Check out their Watchtower ghoulish artwork,they indoctrinate kids with this
Re: Jehovah Witnesses cult
Date: 2008-05-02 02:09 pm (UTC)*Parents are expected to disown their young adult children when they go through their natural period of exploration and doubt? This isn't "strict," it's mean.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:15 pm (UTC)And I don't consider this the least bit blasphemous, either. Seriously, was Jesus's first miracle not turning water into wine? What makes them think that to be pious, you have to be a teetotaler?
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:21 pm (UTC)Wine is cool, IMHO, but then there's that old story about Noah being drunk in his tent that gets to some people.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 02:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-03 02:25 am (UTC)I've had people get upset when I mention that the Bible has dirty parts (generally, the kind who thump on the cover but never open the book up). Take the Song of Solomon -- it's about as erotic as anything I've ever read. Anyone who claims it is strictly a "parable about God's love" is somehow missing out on the sexy and rather graphic language. Parable, smarible; it's about a bride and a bridegroom and their wedding night. Funny, we never covered part of the Bible that in Sunday school, either...
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-03 02:35 am (UTC)On the other hand, when it dictates rather than guides, when it inspires cruelty and hatred, among other things, then that path lacks validity. I have never met an ex Jehovah's Witness who did not seem damaged by the experience of that church. That bothers me a great deal about them as a group.
:)!
Date: 2008-05-02 09:22 pm (UTC)Re: :)!
Date: 2008-05-03 02:09 pm (UTC)