Thrusday - Lost in Your Own Bed
Mar. 6th, 2008 04:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninanevermoreToday on my drive into work, I was thinking about how my 3-year-old son seems to believe that "lost" is a synonym for "alone."
I realized this last night as I was trying to get him to go to sleep. He called out, I and went in his room to check on him. I asked him what was the matter. On nights my husband is at work, I've been allowing my son to sleep in my bed, which his father does not approve of very much. On the nights Jeff is home, he now insists that our son sleep in his own room. My son is does not like this arrangement one bit.
"Sit chair, mommy," he told me. There is an easychair in his bedroom, and he wanted me to sit in it until he fell asleep. If I sit in the chair in the dark, though, I will fall asleep in it and not hear my alarm go off in the next room in the morning.
"I can't sit in the chair," I told him, "but I'm just in the next room."
"I don't want to be lost," he said, and he looked terribly sad.
"You're not lost," I told him. "You're in your bed, and Daddy and I are in the next room."
"I'm lost," he insisted, "I don't want to be lost. Sit chair, Mommy."
It occurred to me that at some point, perhaps at nursery school, he must have found himself alone in a hallway only to have someone ask him, "Are you lost?" Now in his mind, the word lost describes that moment when you discover that none of the familiar comforts and people are around you. He is not afraid of the dark, and since infancy has not been able to sleep if there is any light in the room. But when he sleeps next to me, he stays in contact: his head presses against my side, or his hand touching my hand, or a leg tossed over my body. This way, he is grounded; he knows where I am, even in the dark, and he knows he is not lost.
"You aren't lost," I told him, "I'm a few feet away, in the next room, and I'll leave the door open."
He made a small sound, a sad little groan, when I walked out of the room.
"I'm right here," I told him.
I lay down and stared up at the ceiling.
"He'll be okay," Jeff whispered.
"He say's he's lost."
"He's not lost. He has to learn to sleep by himself. He'll be fine."
In the next room, I could hear my son singing to himself and having little conversations with his toys. I started to think that the idea of sleeping alone is overrated. Because of Jeff's work schedule, I've slept alone for most of my married life. Oddly, though, even when he is not there I sleep on my side of the bed. When he sleeps alone, he sleeps on his side of the bed. Each of us waits for our bedmate to take up that space next to us, and even when we are asleep we do not lay claim to the whole mattress, because it is a space meant to be shared. Humans have a tendency to seek out other humans to cling to, to love, to snuggle. We are a pack animal, and we find others of our kind – friends, family, lovers – to form alliances with so that we do not have to go through this world alone.
I understand what my son is saying: without these alliances in our lives, we really can feel lost.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I realized this last night as I was trying to get him to go to sleep. He called out, I and went in his room to check on him. I asked him what was the matter. On nights my husband is at work, I've been allowing my son to sleep in my bed, which his father does not approve of very much. On the nights Jeff is home, he now insists that our son sleep in his own room. My son is does not like this arrangement one bit.
"Sit chair, mommy," he told me. There is an easychair in his bedroom, and he wanted me to sit in it until he fell asleep. If I sit in the chair in the dark, though, I will fall asleep in it and not hear my alarm go off in the next room in the morning.
"I can't sit in the chair," I told him, "but I'm just in the next room."
"I don't want to be lost," he said, and he looked terribly sad.
"You're not lost," I told him. "You're in your bed, and Daddy and I are in the next room."
"I'm lost," he insisted, "I don't want to be lost. Sit chair, Mommy."
It occurred to me that at some point, perhaps at nursery school, he must have found himself alone in a hallway only to have someone ask him, "Are you lost?" Now in his mind, the word lost describes that moment when you discover that none of the familiar comforts and people are around you. He is not afraid of the dark, and since infancy has not been able to sleep if there is any light in the room. But when he sleeps next to me, he stays in contact: his head presses against my side, or his hand touching my hand, or a leg tossed over my body. This way, he is grounded; he knows where I am, even in the dark, and he knows he is not lost.
"You aren't lost," I told him, "I'm a few feet away, in the next room, and I'll leave the door open."
He made a small sound, a sad little groan, when I walked out of the room.
"I'm right here," I told him.
I lay down and stared up at the ceiling.
"He'll be okay," Jeff whispered.
"He say's he's lost."
"He's not lost. He has to learn to sleep by himself. He'll be fine."
In the next room, I could hear my son singing to himself and having little conversations with his toys. I started to think that the idea of sleeping alone is overrated. Because of Jeff's work schedule, I've slept alone for most of my married life. Oddly, though, even when he is not there I sleep on my side of the bed. When he sleeps alone, he sleeps on his side of the bed. Each of us waits for our bedmate to take up that space next to us, and even when we are asleep we do not lay claim to the whole mattress, because it is a space meant to be shared. Humans have a tendency to seek out other humans to cling to, to love, to snuggle. We are a pack animal, and we find others of our kind – friends, family, lovers – to form alliances with so that we do not have to go through this world alone.
I understand what my son is saying: without these alliances in our lives, we really can feel lost.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:32 pm (UTC)I sprawl out when LT gets out of bed. If the cat doesn't take over his side, first.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:59 pm (UTC)why do you always make me wanna cry?
Date: 2008-03-06 10:36 pm (UTC)Re: why do you always make me wanna cry?
Date: 2008-03-06 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 03:09 pm (UTC)Greg's different. When I'm not in bed, he'll hog the whole bed. I usually stick to my own side when alone...
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Date: 2008-03-07 07:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 08:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-08 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-10 04:36 pm (UTC)In unrelated news, I changed my username from divergenow to kindbydesign. In doing so, I kept everyone on my friends' list, but managed to remove myself from friends’ lists of mutual friends. So, if you'd like, please add me again. I suck at the internet sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-10 05:11 pm (UTC)Added your new ID.