Thursday – Bedtime Stories make a Lousy Aphrodisiac

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking that my son's bedtime stories are interfering with my love life. On my husband's nights off, our son insists that his daddy read the stories at bedtime, but also that I be there to enjoy them. I can't blame the little guy, as he doesn't get to spend a lot of time with both of his parents at the same time. The only place in the house that we can all snuggle close for story time is on the bed that Jeff and I share. My son, baby night owl that he is, stays wide awake and riveted while Jeff reads aloud the adventures of Biscuit the puppy dog and Thomas the Tank Engine. I, on the other hand, usually fall asleep a few pages into the first book.

"We couldn't make him a baby brother even if we were trying," Jeff commented last night.

"No kidding. When was the last time we had sex, anyway?" I asked him, "October?"

He couldn't recall.

"You could wake me up after you put him to bed," I suggested.

"I've tried. It's like trying to wake up a dead person."

He's got a point. If you need proof that opposites attract, Jeff and I are a great example in dozens of ways, including the manners we each sleep. Jeff takes at least an hour to fall asleep, and once he does snooze off he is a light sleeper: if anyone so much as opens up the door to a room he is in, he will rouse. For me, the act of putting my head on a pillow is all that it takes for me to drift off to the Land of Nod, and I've been known to sleep through a tornado passing within feet of my window (everyone else said it sounded like a freight train about to slam into the house).

"Well, if you like you could try it with me asleep. I bet I'd wake up halfway through it."

He made a face. "That's just creepy, honey."

"Yeah, but our sex life has reached the point that it's sad. Is creepy really worse than sad?"

Jeff thinks that it is. To his mind, sex with a sleeping woman is a little closer to necrophilia than he likes to tread. Because of this, he plays the role of father toward everyone in the house, including his wife. He reads me stories that put me to sleep, then carries our son off to his own bed as he protests that he's not at all sleepy and wants more stories. Sometimes I wake up a little when Jeff comes back in our room to tuck me in and give me a goodnight kiss, but most of the time I sleep through all of that, too.

It's a pity is that story time does not have the same effect on my toddler as it does on me, and that I am not as wired and excited by bedtime stories as my 3 year old. If this were the case, my sex life would be as hot as the steam in Thomas the Tank Engine's steam whistle, and as smoldering as his coal furnace.

As is stands, my kid's bedtime stories are getting in the way of me getting a good roll in the hay.


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Comments

[hermes-wade.livejournal.com]

And I thought the stories about marriage ending sex were just exaggeration. /sympathizes

I had a girlfriend that told me that having sex with your SO while they were asleep was just plain WRONG, because there was no consent given. I also had another girlfriend that gave me blanket permission to wake her up that way. Different strokes for different folks (yeah, I know, bad pun).

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My college boyfriend used to wake me up at 2 AM on nights when I had an 8 AM class to go through, and I resented it big time. Then again, he was a jerk in general.

Different strokes I can handle, but no strokes gets old after awhile.

On the other hand, I'm learning the names of all of the engines that Thomas the Tank Engine hangs out with.

[hermes-wade.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, if you NEED to sleep, that's a totally different thing, but it sounds like you wouldn't mind a little interruption right now. ;D

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

And, how!

[thefounder.livejournal.com]

i can understand your son being the way he is. as a child, i always found the Railway Series [the books containing Thomas the tank engine and his friends] absolutely riveting. today, i had a chat about the books with a couple of my colleagues [one of whom has a five year old son who's Thomas mad, the other being someone who was into Thomas in his childhood in the late 40s and early 50s], and i was amazed by how much i could remember. looking through a list on Wikipedia, i could almost be sure which ones are still lurking at my parents' house. next time i visit them, i may well have a good read...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's a guy thing. Jeff looked all the little engines up on line and can tell me what makes each one different from the other, and he didn't give a rat's ass about trains before he had a 3 year old son. Before now, he was always more of an airplane sort of guy.

Go and find those books at your folk's house and read them again. You will learn about the importance of team work and being really useful, which are things more people should strive for in this world. ;^)

[thefounder.livejournal.com]

you are so very right. i think that could be where i learned that in the first place... :)

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

Sex is an important part of a relationship.

You might try arranging it where twice a week, you spend the quality time with the kiddo before story time.

Either that or have a double cappucino or a Monster Energy drink an hour before.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

The kid is only part of the problem; the other part is that I'm an 8-5 M-F person, and he's second shift with 2 nights off in the middle of the week. And the fact that he's reached an age where he thinks that a talking frog is more interesting than a beautiful woman. (http://neanahe.livejournal.com/39394.html)

I'm telling you, the cards are stacked against us.

getting a good roll in the hay.

[regatomic.livejournal.com]

i think more determination on your part is in order,.. i hear duct tape is a good baby sitter,..o.o

Re: getting a good roll in the hay.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

As Bill Cosby had noted, "God made them cute so you don't kill them." He could have added, "Or bind them with tape, or lock them in a closet."

Alas, it's tempting to bind other people's kids with duct tape, but you tend to feel more tender toward your own, even when they aren't all that convenient to have around.

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

Ugh! I know what you mean. Add to that a toddler that just.doesn't.stop (and has a penchant for slapping mommy in the face repeatedly while chanting her name) and 12 hour workdays, no one is feeling romantic by the time horizontal dancing time comes around.

It's a war that I've lost and I fear I may never get my drive back like it used to be :(

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I've got the drive (well, not this week, we've got colds and snot just isn't sexy), I just can't cordinate some time behind the wheel!

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

Lucky you. As much as I loved sex before Ian, I don't love it now. I can totally do without it.

Don't tell Dale, though. I'd hate for him to think he made me not like sex.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It has nothing to do with Dale: stress and exhaustion can kill your gusto in much the way that looking at ugly people naked can. If you still aren't frisky when things improve, it could be hormonal (a doc will have to fix that, though).

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

Good point about the horomones. I'm on a BCP that is estrogen heavy. It helps a lot with my emotions and PMDD, but is bad for the drive.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

See if they can switch you a more progestogen-based pill (or the shots, even). That may fix the problem.

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but that won't fix the PMDD which is something that can ruin a relationship completely!!!!!! It's not worth it.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

There are pills with both types of hormones that might help you with both. It's a matter of finding the right one. That can take a lot of time and patience, though.

[jessnhalinda.livejournal.com]

My nephews are obsessed with Thomas and his many-hued friends.

After visiting them once, while Thomas DVDs played endlessly in the background, and I was asked to read Thomas books and play a Thomas card game (to which they made up their own rules, so I lost every hand) I had a dream the following night I was riding a giant swinging James.

My ex-boyfriend, whose name happens to be James, had great fun with his Freudian analysis of that.

I'm single and 30, with no children, and I'm in a major dry spell, so I feel for you... My three siblings and I had a tradition of screaming "Ewww" every time our parents touched or kissed as teenagers--at least your son isn't interrupting you on purpose yet ;)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My parents smooched so often in front of us that we kids would have thought it weird if they weren't kissing.

Come to think of it, that was a lovely example to grow up with.

I'm a firm believer in bedroom doors that lock, and teaching (once he's older) that once mom and dad are in bed, that we should not be disturbed unless somebody is dead or bleeding or there will be hell to pay. I guess that's another area where my parents provided a great example for me to follow.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Greg and I are the same way as you and Jeff. Greg's the ultra light sleeper. I'm the sleep through a tornado girl. We tend to save sex for the weekends...when the girls can wake up and fend for themselves. There are advantages to having 3 kids...where one is old enough and responsible enough to take care of her sisters...usually. ^.~

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I still regret missing the tornado. I mean, how often does a person get a chance to see something like that? It didn't damage the house, but it tore down the fence, moved my childhood playhouse 2 feet back from where it stood before (without damaging it), took down a lot of tree branches, then twisted itself around a large pine tree in the yard of the house behind us and used it to cave in the their garage.

I just need to learn to stay awake during the 5,000,000th reading of "Go, Train, Go!" and maybe I can score some action...

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

I don't think I know anyone who's literally slept through a tornado that close to them. :P That's insane. I think my oldest could do that...even better than I could. We had tornado sirens going off one night and it took me FOREVER to wake her up to get her down in the basement. Luckily it was just a warning.

I used to "have" to lay with Camie in our bed to get her to sleep...yeah we spoiled her muchly...and I found if I read a book with the light on, I had a better chance of staying awake. :P It didn't always work. But I suppose, your son wouldn't stand for your reading your own book while daddy read to him. *wry grin*

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

I agree! My 4yo was a major mamma's girl until the baby was born. Now, she tends to spend more time trying to take care of him (sometimes, at the poor babe's expense) than she does needing attention from us.

So, Nina... what ya' gotta do here is have another baby! Drop E off with us some weekend and go to town! ;D

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!! That's an excellent idea!! I second that motion!! ^.~

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Uhm, no. I just got out my calculator and checked, and it turns out I will be 39 years old later this year. I need another baby like I need a hole in my head. :P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

*raises a glass* Yes, thank you, here's to a date with my beloved!