ninanevermore

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about my collection of dessert recipes. I have a large photo album filled with them, clipped from magazines and newspapers. They are categorized by type (cakes, pies, cookies, candy, etc.) and there must be a several thousand of them all together. I have the instructions to make every kind of dessert and confection imaginable, with full-color photos and mouthwatering testimonials to go along with them, if the publication provided them. I started saving them when I was in college, and haven't stopped.

This collection drives Jeff crazy, because I almost never make any of them. I don't eat dessert. They were forbidden to me for so long that I don't even crave them any more.

( Nina's Book of Forbidden Delights )

I don't want to look at that Ferris Wheel anymore, but I can't take my eyes off of it when I drive by. The Carney is just doing his job. He gets respect and fear for that, but no love.

When I was 8, I became very ill. I was thirsty all of the time and began to loose weight rapidly. When my mother took me to the doctor, he said, "It sounds like it could be diabetes." He drew some blood, and left the room.

"Mommy," I asked, "What's diabetes?"

"It's a disease where you have to take shots everyday and you can't eat any sugar, and there's no cure," she said. "It doesn't run in our family. I wouldn't worry about it."

I remember thinking that that sounded like the worst disease I'd ever heard of. At the age of 8, the idea of no candy and taking a shot everyday was my personal version of Hell. I thought, "I'm a good kid. God's not going to let that happen to me."

Boy, was I in for a shock.

At 9, I looked "diabetes" up in the Collier's Encyclopedia set that we had. It said that for the Juvenile Onset variety of the disease, a person could expect "a fairly normal live," but with a shortened life expectancy of about 50.

I decided that day that I would live to be at least 60, out of principle. This promise to myself, more than anything else, is the main reason I take good care of myself. I don't like to be told what to do, and that includes being told when I'm supposed to die.

I get fewer turns on the Ferris Wheel than other people. I accept that. I would welcome a cure, but I don't expect or demand one.

Life is a miracle. It comes with no guarantees. If I had been born in any other century in history, I would not have lived to grow up. I would not ever have fallen in love, I would be no one's wife, I would not be a mother. I understand a thing or two about miracles. They are ours to accept, but not to expect.

Life, love, music, the rising sun each day - these are miracles for the taking. Each rotation of the Ferris Wheel of our lives is a miracle. When the ride slows to a stop and it's time to disembark, or to watch someone else disembark, it doesn't take away from the miracle of getting to ride in the first place.

Every day with the people we love and the people who love us is a miracle. Enjoy the day and enjoy the people, and accept that each is temporary. There are no guarantees; each ticket holder gets a different ride.

But the beautiful thing is that you got to ride at all.