Tuesday - Add sweetner, then stir crazy until well blended

[ninanevermore]

Today I've been thinking about the nervous breakdown I had yesterday. It went well, and I am pleased with the results of it. I think it freaked my poor husband out a little, but some things can't be helped.

It was Jeff's day off, so he was home to witness me reaching my wits end. I needed a break and some time to myself, and felt my nerves starting to unravel. This was happening for several reasons. While the company of a two year old child is very rewarding, it's not something I'm used to having to handle full time, and it is a full time job. Looking for a job is also a full time job. This means I am juggling two full time jobs right now, but not bringing in any money. It's emotionally taxing, to say the least.

By yesterday, the walls of the house began to close in on me. I still want to burn the house, with its never-ending list of DIY projects that it represents, down, and sometimes it doesn't seem fair that I'm not allowed to mention this out loud without Jeff getting upset. After spending the morning brooding and stomping about in the pool of despair that had puddle up in my brain, I finally burst into tears.

My toddler regarded me with caution, and decided to play on the other side of the room where he could keep an eye on me to see if I would return to normal. I don't know if it was the sound of me crying or all the doors I had been slamming, but Jeff finally woke up from his second shift slumber, which ends in the early afternoon.

"Honey?" he asked, worriedly.

I ignored him. I was busy having an argument with him in my head, which is the only place I enjoy arguing with him, and I didn't want to be disturbed. In my imagined arguments, he doesn't argue back, he just listens while I tell him everything that is making me nuts. In my head, I always win the arguments, whereas in real life, he gets defensive and points out that I'm not the easiest person to live with, either. He makes some good points, so I find it best to not bring this stuff up too often outside of my head, if it can be helped.

There are some who would say that by not venting to Jeff in real life, I am doing something unhealthy. These are people who do not live in their heads the way I live in mine. In other words, sane people. I am not entirely sane. What happens in my head is as real to me as the things that happen outside of it. I can have a really rewarding conversation in my mind and get the same kind of emotional satisfaction that a sane person would get from talking to another person, but without any of the fallout that tends to come from real-life conversations.

Once an issue is resolved in my mind, I can slowly and subtly breach my winning arguments into everyday conversations with the victim of my make-believe verbal lashing, and they never have to know how ugly things really got when we had a knock-down, drag-out hashing out in one of the darker corners of my consciousness.

But I'm not getting much quality time in my head of late. I have a small child who follows me from room to room, even the bathroom, leaving me very little time for privacy of any sort. After a few days of this, I feel a little twitchy.

Jeff looked concerned. "Honey, are you all right?"

I shook my head.

"Is there anything I can do?"

I shook my head again. In my mind, I threw something at his head to punish him for loving the house that that I hate so much.

"Is it anything in particular?"

I shook my head again.

"Is it everything?"

At last, he got something right. I nodded and sobbed.

"Here, let me give you a hug."

I let him put his arms around me and I sobbed for a little while longer. Thank God Jeff has had relationships with women far crazier than I am. His exes make me look easy by comparison, and I really should thank each and every nut job that he ever dated before me for toughening him up. After a few minutes, I pulled away from him and announced that I needed to get out of the house. I picked up my purse and I left Jeff and our son to spend some quality time together while mom fled the premises.

Two hours and one café latte later, I was fine, and I came back home.

When I pulled into the driveway, Jeff was working in the front yard. He looked surprised. "I didn't expect to see you again until midnight or something," he said.

"I heal quick," I told him. Then I brought up some of the things I had been yelling out in my head to him, only now I was calm and able to talk about them without being angry, since I had already won this fight in the arena of my mind, which is where it matters most to me. It was a productive conversation, all in all.

Two hours of solitude was all I needed. It did me a world of good. I enjoyed it so much that I think I may need to schedule these nervous breakdowns more often.


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Comments

nervous breakdowns more often

[regatomic.livejournal.com]

i guess it depend on what you call them,.. i just call it withdrawal from humanity and play with sharp objects,..o.0

[squidflakes.livejournal.com]

yea, I read that as "Add wiener, then stir like crazy"

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

What sort of sites have you been surfing lately, anyway? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

I had one of those the other night. Not really sure why...

Greg talks to himself and everyone on the planet in his head. Usually in the shower. I ask him if he had a good conversation. He just gives me that withering look, as if I'm the one who's nuts.

*HUGS NINA TIGHT* I'm glad you got all the screaming and yelling out in your head and saved your calm rational thoughts for Jeff.

[charabancs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, not having *any* privacy would drive me NUTS. I don't have kids, but my husband and I have different home offices, so we can have our alone time with in our own rooms.

[inever.livejournal.com]

I've been home with Bronwyn for 4 years now. I finally get small 2 hour breaks since she started Kindergarten. My desire to choke her has certainly lessened. It's nice to be able to enjoy her company.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

I want to know.

[anne-nahm.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to one of those two-hour breaks. For a few short weeks before we moved I was getting them once a week to go to al-anon.
Now I'm either at work, at home with the boy, or in transit. It's tiring.

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

I am basically a stay at home mom, with a 3 1/2 year old, and a 5 1/2 year old. I so totally feel your pain, and sympathize completely. Been there, and done that. The only thing that sucks is when the husband is in the field, or deployed, and then I don't have him to fall back on, and take over when I hit that point. Thank god for friends, and Baileys.

[callmekili.livejournal.com]

"Is it everything?"

At last, he got something right. I nodded and sobbed.

"Here, let me give you a hug."

it must feel great to have someone who seems to get you like that, at least from my side of things... that just that quickly, he knows that by asking something as simple as "is it everything", you were able to let out what you needed to and take your time alone.... i could only be lucky enough to find that...

Two hours of solitude was all I needed. It did me a world of good. I enjoyed it so much that I think I may need to make these nervous breakdowns more often.

every one needs "me" time.... something i often stress to friends when giving advice is how important the time outs for yourself are.... im glad you were able to get that after not being able to find it at home...

i hope today finds you feelin better and refreshed....

Re: nervous breakdowns more often

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

When I can get my regularly scheduled time to withdraw, it's not a nervous breakdown, it's just quiet time to write and think. It's when I'm denied it that the pressure starts to build and it goes from wanting a little time to myself to absolutely needing it.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's not hard to guess... o_0

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

A shower talker, huh? It's better to sing in the shower and talk in your head, because people will tease you less.

*Hugs back*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Children don't understand the adult need for privacy; their own needs are for protection, food, and stimulation. I finally understand why my own mother spent half my childhood hiding in the master bathroom with a pile or books and magazines.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

*giggles* He's won the WSOP (world series of poker) a thousand times in his head during his shower. If only it were for real...I could quit the daycare. :P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

They say it takes a village to raise a child - a village well stocked with people willing to babysit while you get some time to yourself. After my coffee break, I was no longer thinking about putting my son up for adoption (because I was convinced that I just couldn't do the job, and there is always the chance that Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are looking to add to their brood).

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

They are a lifesaver; you will find you actually enjoy the time you spend with your child a lot more when you've taken a little time for self maintenance. Here's hoping you find a way to juggle some time for yourself into your schedule. :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Without going into too much detail, I'm the weirdest combination of child-like and mature that you could ever meet.

A large part of my problem is that - because of Jeff's work schedule - I am alone with my son for most of the time. We can go days without seeing each other awake (he tucks me in and kisses me when he comes home in the middle of the night, but I usually am not aware of that when it happens). Bearing the full brunt of the child-care workload wears a person thin pretty fast. :P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My friends are all spread out right now, and my husband works second shift (2PM - 11PM, with an hour commute), so while I'm not alone technically, the reality is that I'm very alone most of the time. I'll have to give the Baileys a try. I hear it's good in coffee...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

We've been together so long, he knows me pretty well. I don't freak out on him that often, so he takes it in stride when I do. I'm kicking myself that I could have stayed out until midnight and gotten away with it, though, when all I took was a lousy 2 hours.

I do feel better, now. Thank! :D

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling, of being alone most of the time, since, well, the husband being a Marine, I /am/ alone most of the time with the kids, even when he is not deployed. He is in school right now, so it's worse, now. But, yes, Baileys in coffee is my standby! I swear by it! I am a serious coffee-aholic, so anything in my coffee is a double plus! Sounds to me like you and I are a lot alike in that aspect. Try it, you might like it. The running joke for some of my friends is, that when I am at work, all but mainlining my coffee, that I slipped some Baileys in it. No, but I do work in a bar. LOL But, yeah, off tangent now, once I get the kids in bed, and such, and have a quiet house, and time to destress, I will have a cup of coffee, and some Baileys, and after a while, the world doesn't seem so bad after all. Although, some days, it does take Baileys AND Jamesons.

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

They say it takes a village to raise a child

Since putting Ian in daycare, I realize that daycare centers are our modern day "villages."

How anyone can expect a mom to stay at home with no interaction besides kids and S.O's are beyond me.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Traditionally, women didn't have to. They had community networks to help them. Our modern American cities of neighborhoods without sidewalks and not being able to go anywhere unless you are in a car keep us from developing any sense of community. Our isolation from our flesh and blood neighbors and community is a modern phenomonom.

Living inside your head...

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

That's another one of those crazy family traits, isn't it? I do that, too!

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

He DOES have an obsession with TENTACLES!!! ;D

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

with its never-ending list of DYI projects

BTW: "Do-It-Yourself" = DIY. What does "DYI" stand for? "Do Yourself In?!?" ;P

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

*quietly edits entry, while sticking tongue out at cousin who cannot see me*

Did I mention that I am mildly dyslexicand in no position to proof reed my own work for that reason?

Do It Yourself may as well mean Do Yourself In. Trust me on this. :P

[whirring-mind.livejournal.com]

I love spending quality time with myself. :)

I think the less time dedicated to solitary thought-churning, the more horribly personed I am. So I certainly relate.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Solitude is my Vitamin S, and my brain does not function without a little bit of it every day. I need it the way most people need air and water. I think a lot of people are this way.