Thursday - What do you mean by "mean?"

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking that I must learn how to accept my role as a parent to my son, as opposed to a co-conspirator. For too many years, my role as the childless adult was more that of a playmate than a position of authority when I was around children. I enjoyed this. Other adults were serious, but I was fun. I could take the children's side on issues and be relatively safe. Now Jeff, who is a better mother than I am, has called me on this.

"Don't tell him I'm mean," he said to me the other day, "we're supposed to be a united front. We can't to undermine each other."

He was standing at the sink, washing dishes, while I tried to find something to feed our son for dinner.

I stopped and made the same big, sad eyes my son had made at Jeff just moments before. He was right. I hadn't been thinking. I forgot, for a moment, that Jeff wasn't the only authoritative figure in the room when it comes to this child – I have to be one, too.

I don't recall what our son was doing, but it was something I usually let him do on the 5 evenings a week that Jeff is at work, so long as it keeps the boy busy so I can think. I don't care if he hides behind the curtains and plays peek-a-boo, or if he takes all of the soup spoons out of the drawer to line them up across the kitchen floor. The curtains need to be replaced, and a toss into the dishwasher will make the soup spoons as good as new. My parenting style, at least when my hands are full, can be best be described as "lackadaisical."

Jeff, on the other hand, it the kind of competent parent that every mother aspires to be and every child should have. He's firm, but tender. He's consistent. He acts like a great mom, and he makes me look like the sort of inept father that one sees in TV sitcoms. I often think that if Jeff had been able to breastfeed, there would have been no real use for me at all in our son's life.

When I said, "Daddy's mean," in a stage whisper to our son, Jeff stopped me in my tracks and I had to take it back. I knew I was in the wrong, but I felt a need to defend myself, anyway.

"He doesn't know what mean is yet," I pointed out.

"He's learning. He doesn't need to hear that from you."

"Can I say, 'Daddy's a hard ass'?" I asked.

"Nooooo." Jeff used the tone that a mother uses when a child makes an unreasonable request.

"Hmmm," I said, "and I probably shouldn't point out that you're not any fun, either, should I?"

He sighed. He was being serious, and I wasn't. It's a defense mechanism of mine to make light of things, especially when I've been caught red handed. Still, while our life is a comedy, it's a comedy of errors, not a sitcom. Unlike a sitcom dad, I know when to give up.

I apologized and promised to think before I spoke in the future.

"Thank you," my chagrined spouse said, "It's important."

I decided to try to make things right.

"Daddy's not really mean," I told our son, who was listening to this conversation between his competent parent and his co-conspirator parent with intense interest.

I looked at Jeff, then back at our 2 year old. "And sometimes he's fun."

"I'm fun a lot."

"He's a lot of fun, sometimes." I picked up our little boy, who was smiling at us. He thinks we're funny. I decided to change the subject.

"What does a cow say?" I asked him.

"Moooooooo!" he answered, his lips pursed in a perfect, lowercase o. He is an expert in animal noises, especially at cats and cows.

"He's a genius," I said to Jeff. My son and I grinned up at him, and he grinned down at us.

“He really is,” Jeff agreed. He gave each of us a kiss. All was forgiven.

Like the good mom that he is, Jeff is patient. While having a parent willing to let him stand on top of the coffee table and run naked through the house is fun for a kid, he needs structure, too.

Our son lucky to have a good such a good mom willing to give him this structure, even if she does happen to be his father.


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Comments

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

^_^ I'm the mom in the family...usually. Greg's the fun parent. The clown and there is many a time when I have to glare at him and say "don't you dare" when he wants to coddle the child who's just been reprimanded and/or disciplined by me. Occassionally we switch roles too, just to make it fun. ;P

[mugglemomjsw.livejournal.com]

Ahh... So, I'm not the only non-mom Mom. Really, lately, I've just felt like a bitch though. I gotta get new meds. I totally know what you mean, though.

[ireneloughlin.livejournal.com]

you sound like a super cool mom, a super star!

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* I have to say, our daughters pretty much have two fathers, as well. I have always been so much of a tomboy that I am always one of the guys in my/our circle of friends, and some of them even claim that I am more of a guy than they are. Partially because of that whole riding bulls thing and such. So, don't feel like the Lone Ranger in that aspect. I'm the one most likely to get down and dirty and rough and tumble with them, and teach them the 'pull my finger' jokes, and whatnot. They both want to be a bullrider 'like Momma', even though my husband rides bulls as well. But, they both want to be like me, and not so much like him.

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I forgot to add, the fact that, at times, I /have/ to be both Momma and Daddy doesn't help with that issue, either, as he is a Marine, and does deploy, sometimes for months at a time.

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

I hear you! I've had to struggle with this too. I have been the disciplinarian, and the primary caregiver, and tried to give them more latitiude when I felt that they needed that after their mother's brand of discipline. In the end I found that I HAVE to be consistent, it's just not fair any other way.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything wrong with having different approaches, so long as you don't allow the children to play you against each other. As long as both parents are supportive and respectful of each other, I think diversity of styles and viewpoints is a good thing.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Stereotypes have never stuck to me very well, and neither have labels of any kind. They have a way of sliding right off. ;)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I confess that I'm playing this whole mom thing by ear. It just annoys me that my husband is a much better mom than I am. I guess it's best at least one of us should be good at it...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you. ^_^

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Since our son is so little, Jeff and I are still working out the details of discipline. Jeff isn't mean at all, he's just stricter than I am, and that's not a bad thing.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"The inept father in the sitcoms nearly always fails to connect with his children. Sounds like you're more like Robin Williams' character in Mrs Doubtfire, but after he's learnt his lesson."

Like I said, our relationship is a comedy of errors rather than a sitcom, replete with the character development that makes for a good movie. If I hadn't admitted I was wrong in front of our son, it wouldn't just make me a bad parent, it would make me a bitch*.



*which I can be one at times, but I try to make the effort not to be one.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Oy, the long deployments have to be hard on all of you. If only seeing my husband twice a week is hard, I can only imagine going for months.

I don't ride bulls, but I can swear and tell dirty jokes with the best of them, and I leave my laundry laying around the house wherever I happen to strip. That's got to count for something in the area of androgynous parenting. ;^D

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

I hear you. Ya'll are going to have it worked out in no time. It's just a relief to hear parents talking about it. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to remember these things. :)

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

*nods* And my oldest LOVES to try to play us against each other...but she never succeeds. And it's worse with her real dad. She loves to try to play us against each other. I tell her that I can do nothing about what goes on at his house (unless it's neglect/abuse). He just doesn't listen to me.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

That's sad. The thing about exes is that if they were good, reasonable people to have around you in the first place, most of them wouldn't be exes because you'd still be with them...

[l-l-u-w-d.livejournal.com]

LOL! I know what you mean! You just described me to a 'T'! I have to watch my language something fierce. Being former Navy, hanging around bullriders, married to a Marine, and working in a Country music/Redneck bar in a Marine Corps town, my kids are going to know how to proverbially 'swear like a sailor' long before they should. And, as for leaving the clothes where they fall? We are all guilty of that in my house. Much to my chagrin.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

*nods again* Exactly.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

I would agree with that. I used to see my parents arguing (quite loudly, at times) and it taught me to stand up for my views and express them, then consider the views of others and accept them.

I also think the spoons (and the peek-a-boo) are good, developmental actions. Children learn through playing.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

In Jeff's defense, he doesn't want the curtains pulled down (he worries about that) and he doesn't want our son to get used to taking things out of the kitchen drawers, since some of which have sharp objects in them. He's a hard-ass, but not an unreasonable hard-ass.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

On one hand, it's good that you and Jeff can offer E. a balance. I would caution Jeff not to be TOO strict. Men can be more focused on what's convenient and adult and totally forget that children HAVE to explore and get into trouble in order to learn. I've had to caution Rich multiple times from telling Rorie not to do something that is really quite beneficial. "What's it gonna hurt?" I ask, then point out why it's good for her. Of course, I've learned a lot by osmosis from my mother and all her neurological training.

You're not "lackadaisical" -- your parenting type encourages him to explore. That will serve him much better in life later than being too careful. Don't change a thing! You're following your instincts and their good! I'm not saying Jeff's a bad parent -- far from it, but you may still want to warn him from holding E. back. Tell him to stop thinking so much. :D

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Jeff is the worrier in our house. He has to do all the worrying so that I don't have to. Asking him to stop would be asking him to be someone else, and that wouldn't be fair.

The right amount of discipline is important, so that a child can learn self discipline. Jeff and I will meet in the middle; we've been together long enough to know how to do that.