Monday - Save Your Receipt

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about how sometimes it isn't worth trying to explain a joke to someone who doesn't get your sense of humor. Even when the joke is explained, they won't laugh, and once you are finished explaining it, it's just no longer funny, even to you.

I remember an incident when my son was a couple of months old. When babies are very small, you can take them with you anywhere and stash them places. They never have to leave their car seats, if you don't want them to. The car seats come with handles, and you can secure them on the front of your shopping cart, or store them in a booth at a restaurant, or set them on the floor next to you at a coffee shop.

I had taken him out with me to go Christmas shopping, a task that I don't really enjoy very much. I decided to stop off at a Starbucks, grab a latte, and unwind a bit. My son was sleeping in his carrier and should have been good for this. On this occasion, though, he started to cry. I tried feeding him, but he refused. I checked his diaper, only to find he was clean and dry. I held him and spoke softly to him, but he would not be soothed. My frustration mounted.

I've always been one of those people who glares resentfully at people who ignore their squalling offspring even while the eardrums of everyone around them are bursting. If it hadn't been cold and raining outdoors, I would have stepped outside with him to spare everyone else. As it was, I was tired, my feet hurt, my coffee was full, and there was no place to take him. As much as I wanted to relax, I knew that no one in the coffee shop, including myself, could until my son quieted down.

I held him on my lap and looked at his contorted, red, screaming face.

"Shhhh," I said.

He kept screaming.

I put on a very stern expression, so he would know I was serious.

"Listen, baby," I told him in my most calm and reasonable tone, "you may not know this, but the hospital we brought you home from has a 90-day trade-in policy. They told us that if you gave us any trouble within the first 90 day, such as crying for no obvious reason, that we could bring you back and they would let us trade you for a good, quiet baby. I saved our receipt, so I can still do this."

He continued screaming.

Not knowing what else to do, I held him against my body and gently bounced him up and down, both to stifle his cries against my coat and hopefully calm him. After a few minutes, he wore himself out and grew quiet. I laid him back down in his carrier and rocked it with my foot while I sipped my coffee and savored the silence.

After a few minutes, a young woman approached me.

"He's cute," she said, "Please don't trade him in." She looked and sounded sincerely concerned that I might.

I looked down at my now-sleeping son and back up at the woman. I wanted to ask her what sort of hospital she thought might really have such a policy. I considered explaining to her that babies can't really be traded in this manner. Then I thought better of starting a dialog with anyone who believed that children could be returned to the store like a malfunctioning digital camera and swapped for one that works.

"Okay, I won't," I told her.

She smiled at me, apparently glad she had talked me into keeping him. I smiled at her, glad that the conversation appeared to be over. She walked away.

These days, since the 90-day trade-in period has passed, I threaten my son with selling him on eBay, no reserve, with a 99 cents buy-it-now-price (I plan on making my money on shipping and handling, which is how all the smart people do it). He still acts like he doesn't believe me. I don't tell him this in public, though. It's not worth the trouble.


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Comments

[vagynafondue.livejournal.com]

I tell mine that a giant is going to pick him up by his head and eat him like a peanut. He just laughs.

ROFL!

[bbart.livejournal.com]

Maybe instead of returning him you could have just exchanged him for a different baby.

make this joke

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

i've been around a lot of babies,.. and "hush!"*, usually works for me(the look on peoples faces is priceless) so i've never had to make up a story,..:)

* i use what i call "the voice", works on dogs too,..o.0

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

(*shakes head*) What will it take for our children to take us seriously?

Re: ROFL!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

That was the idea. Maybe I could have gotten a girl...

[tedwords.livejournal.com]

What a deal you got! Our hospital only had a "buy one, get another for double the price" offer! Some people have no sense of whimsy, eh?

Re: make this joke

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I bet you have a deep voice - that trick works when my father does it. Babies don't take me seriously, though. My voice isn't that much deep than theirs.

[donor4him.livejournal.com]

OMG that was hilarious.

Paul always tells Chandler that we're going to take him to the Little Boy Store and trade him in. He starts spazzing out and begs us not to trade him in. LOL

You are evil...

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

...and must be destroyed!


;D

[artkouros.livejournal.com]

I saw a PBS show on Queen Victoria. She believed that children were "essentially vegetables" for the first six months, so, really, it was OK to drown them if you didn't want them.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She was young, and obviously not a parent. If she'd been a mother, I think she would have wanted to know the name of the hospital so she could have her next one there.

[highlandwolf.livejournal.com]

Nooo... not worth the trouble - in public! :D

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Chandler is gullible - let's hope he stays that way. Sadly, my son seems to have been born cynical.

Re: You are evil...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Oh, and you're one to talk...! I'm on to you, missy.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Indeed, the general public doesn't have much of a sense of humor. All the more reason I get to laugh at its expense. ;D

[tedwords.livejournal.com]

And maybe we could talk them into extending the offer. It's really not the ninety days...it's the teen years...then you really WANT a money-back guarantee...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

That would just be bad business sense on their part. Babies are cute and easy to move out of stock; no one in their right mind wants a teenager. Looking back on myself as a teen, I know I wouldn't have wanted me...

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

I'll take him. Maybe he will be really quiet and not eat much when I get him? hes SSOOOO cute with those eyes.

[tedwords.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't want to return me as a teenager, either! *grin*

[donor4him.livejournal.com]

Chandler must take after me because I'm a little on the gullible side, too!

[tequilaprophet.livejournal.com]

Ha!

[aymen.livejournal.com]

I love this story :)

My Sister always tries to trade my 4 year old Niece to me for my SUV, but sometimes when Destie is being bratty, she says she'll settle for a pair of strappy high heels I have. lol I think it's friggin funny ;)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Sorry, he eats his weight in food and he's into everything these days (what with being almost 2). Anyway, I'm not sure his father will let me trade him at this point (or sell him on eBay, unless someone makes an offer we can't refuse). Did I mention he bites? o.O

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

;)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

You might want to take your sister up on that deal. With current gas prices, it might cost less to feed your niece than your SUV at this point...

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

I used to tell my daughter I was calling the child store and was going to get a better model that would listen to me. I'd then dial a bunch of random numbers and act like I was arranging for somebody to come pick her up and bring me a newer, better acting child.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Ha! Did she fall for it?

Re: ROFL!

[bbart.livejournal.com]

D'oh! I just reread the post. I plead brain fart.

[amacmillian.livejournal.com]

Every time.

"NO mommy, NO! I promise I'll be good! MOMMY!"

[mad-jamison.livejournal.com]

LOL! We used to tell my son we'd throw him in a snow drift head first and his little red boots would be waving around and we'd laugh. No wonder he grew up so weird.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"No wonder he grew up so weird."

See, that's a chicken or the egg kind of assumption. Is he weird because his parents made such threats, or is he weird because he carries the DNA of the kind of people who would threaten him like this? If it's the second, he's weird because of his biology, and he'd be that way no matter who raised him. I blame your DNA, not your parenting skills. ;)