Monday - A Blessing Too Many

[ninanevermore]

Today on my drive into work, I was thinking about my status growing up as the first of two blessing too many.

I was not planned. When my mother was younger and could not get pregnant, her doctor diagnosed her as infertile. This caused her to pray for children. Unlike most of my own prayers, she got a positive response (times 4). After giving up and making plans to adopt, she discovered that my oldest brother was on the way. He was born in 1961, when she was 28. Three years later, my middle brother arrived. Two was plenty, my parents thought. My mother considered them both miracles, and never worried about contraception. While it seems obvious to me looking back that the drought was over, it apparently never occurred to her until later.

When she found out that I was on the way, she felt chagrined, but accepting. Maybe she would get a girl to balance out her brood. I was born 3 days after her 37th birthday. Today, this is not a big deal. In 1969, she was kind of a novelty; all of the other women in the maternity ward were in their teens and twenties. As chagrined as she was about me, she was positively aghast to learn that my brother would be born 16 months behind me. By this point, she was very aware that the drought was over and she needed an umbrella, but her doctor told her that until I was weaned, she need not worry about it. Little did he know. Fool her once, shame on you, but she wasn't about to be fooled a 5th time. As soon as my brother was born, she got a tubal ligation.

"When you ask the Lord for blessings," she always told everyone, "you have to make sure to tell him when to stop."

We took this observation from my plainspoken mother in stride. She didn't say this to hurt my brother or me. We may have been two blessings too many, but we never doubted that we were still blessings.

"But you love me anyway, don't you?" I would ask.

"Yes," she agreed, "Of course I do."

"Good," I would say, and go about my business of drawing her a picture or playing with my toys.

"I have friends who have grandchildren your age," she sometimes pointed out.

"So?"

"So, it means I'm too damned old to be your mother." She always wanted to write a book some day, after the kids were out of the house. She always wanted to travel. She longed for quiet time for herself, which was not easy to come by between two teenagers and two kids in grade school. I think she was torn between her love for us and her desires to do things just for herself, to be her own person.

"I don't care," I told her. I didn't, either. I thought the younger parents of my friends seemed kind of silly and lacking in life experience. I didn't mind that my parents were older. They seemed a lot smarter for it. When I got older I added, "You're stuck with us, now."

"I guess I don't mind," she said. The conversation always ended with a hug and a kiss.

Jeff is shocked that I had these talks with her. To him, it implied that I was not wanted. However, I never doubted that I was wanted and loved. I was a bonus blessing. My kid brother was an extra-double-bonus blessing. Sometimes too much of a good thing can drive you to complain. She apparently needed to get this off of her chest once in a while.

My mother was not a perfect mother. She got frustrated. She felt overwhelmed sometimes. On some days she felt imposed upon by everything that was expected of her as a mother. I also have plenty of memories of her rising to the occasion and being outstanding in the field of things maternal.

Oddly, though, I take comfort in my memories of her at those times when she was so human, so imperfect. I'm not a perfect mother, either. I don't have her here to reassure me that this is all right. Instead, I have memories of her that let me know that if she could do this, then so can I. It's it's okay to be imperfect. I know this doesn't make me any less blessed, or make my son any less of a blessing.

Comments

[vagynafondue.livejournal.com]

That's amazing that your mother was blessed with so many children after being told she was infertile!

Sometimes I feel because that I'm 26 and still very child-like, that I'm more sisterly than motherly to Riley. But then I'm comforted to know that he'll have the best of both worlds since his dad is 41 and experienced at this parent thing.

Thank you for sharing this. Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful woman.

she got a tubal ligation.

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

sometimes the blessings come anyway,.. my mother had my youngest brother after her tubal,.."it healed " was her doctors bewildered answer. the hysterectomy seemd to work though,..o.0

of course i am of the opinion that my parents never made the connection between sex and children,...;)

[bbart.livejournal.com]

What a sweet story.

When my mom was in her 40s, after she was done having children, a doctor told her it was practically a miracle that she had children and that he used her as an example for women struggling with reduced fertility. This was a surprise to my mother; For whatever reason no doctor had ever mentioned to my mother that she had fertility problems.

I take comfort in my memories of her at those times when she was so human, so imperfect.
What a beautiful line! I hope someday when I have children they'll feel the same way.

You're not the only one...

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

My mom and I had difficult years in my teens.

I think it's because she is almost certainly schizophrenic but she used to tell me, she wanted all of us (all 7) except one, there was one she resented the whole time she was pregnant...guess who it was? Me.

What is strange is I was the 2nd. But I do know...the second one more than the first you do realize what you are getting into and there might be some dread at starting over.

She always says she knows exactly when I came about because it's the one night...they didn't try to prevent pregnancy.

So anyways...apparently your story and mine show that even married women may not be ready for a pregnancy (I always thought it was more likely with unmarried teens.)

And we can go on:)

Maria

Re: You're not the only one...

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

My Mom told me that #2 is often the worst. You THINK you know what you're getting into, but if you haven't developed a routine for everything yet, it's a NIGHTMARE!!! However, once you've got #2 down, you can handle, like, up to 7 kids without blinking. Mom only had two, so I don't know where she learned this from. :)

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

I think she was torn between her love for us and her desires to do things just for herself, to be her own person.

I can relate!!!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

She was. I miss her (she died when I was 15). I'm kind of child-like at 36 (and holding for 11 more days), but I remember my mother as being that way, too. It made her kind of magical and fun. I think we moms who let our inner children out to play with our real children have nothing to be ashamed of. What's the point of having a kid around the house if you can't roll around with him, play chase and tickle each other?

Re: she got a tubal ligation.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

My mother would have hit the roof if her tubal had healed (it does happen, but it's pretty rare. I've heard of vasectomies doing the same thing).

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

"This was a surprise to my mother; For whatever reason no doctor had ever mentioned to my mother that she had fertility problems."

I think doctors are wrong about a lot of things, they just don't like to admit it. Your mom's fertility was one of them. Obviously, they were wrong about my mom's fertility, too. Wrong to the power of 4...

Re: You're not the only one...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Aw, hon, your mother definitely has issues. :(

My kid brother and I may have been two more than my mother thought she could handle, but we were never more than she could love. I always had faith in her love for me...and that makes a real difference. Like I said, I was always a blessing, even if I was more blessing than she asked for.

No child should ever feel unwanted. It was never you, Maria. It was her and only her. You deserved to feel as loved and wanted as any child.

I started so late, because thought I couldn't do it (too much medical risk, etc.) but I've rissen to the occasion and am muddling through just fine. It's an amazing thing to do, watching a new human grow up. Thinking about it never fails to take my breath away... :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Oh, cousin, so can I. You have no idea. That's why I love her for leaving me these memories. The conversions other women have with their mothers, I have to recreate by remembering bits and pieces of the few years I knew mine.

Re: You're not the only one...

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

I think, like I said, it's more her schizophrenia than it was me. It has taken some years for me to see it though. Most people believe that is what she has but she, of course, thinks she is fine (a lot of people with it do.)

I don't blame my mom for feeling...overwhelmed with 7 children but I really don't understand why she had 7. It was her choice, my dad thought less would be better (though he loved each of us as we came along) but I don't understand why she wanted 7 when we apparently frusterated her a lot.

It's something I think about. My husband wants a big family but I am thinking this 3rd I am pregnant with is ALL. I want to be a good mom, not so overwhelmed and tired, we just "somehow make it" (though we all have days like that.)

Part of what was hard I am sure is my oldest brother is now 30 and my youngest sister is 11. So many different ages!

Maria

[aymen.livejournal.com]

You made my eyes teary. ::hugs::

Re: You're not the only one...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

From what I've read about schizophrenia, not admitting you have it is so common that it's practically a symptom of the disorder. It's never easy to live with someone who has a serious mental disease like that, so I know it must have been very trying. As for her insisting on having so many babies, schizophrenics are not always logical. Her reasons may forever be a mystery to your whole family.

If 3 kids is your preferred limit, I think 3 kids is the right number for you. They are a joy, but also a lot of work and responsibility. I have a sister-in-law who told my brother after the 3rd one that he could have a 4th one if he wanted, but he would have to figure out a way to get pregnant himself because she was finished having babies.

They still only have 3.

[jess-2-6.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it...

[anne-nahm.livejournal.com]

Lovely, lovely.

Not exactly a mystery...

[poetlady.livejournal.com]

Schizophrenics are a lot like manic/depressives but they also feel they hear voices (whether the clock talks to them, or aliens or demons or in my mom's case, she believes God does.)

Which made life with her interesting. I believe in God, I believe He CAN speak but I don't think it's as common as mom does. And like my dad says, if God said it, it will come true, if it doesn't, did God say it?

Anyways, she believes the Bible points to the fact "Children are a blessing" etc so one should never try to prevent a blessing. I feel a little split over it but I do feel more responsible for my 3 children that exist (though one is not yet born) than for those who may never exist (not yet conceived.)

I guess one should admire her for following her beliefs I just don't see why one would continue when you don't see good results. I mean, hopefully, my younger siblings had it better but when there were 5-7 of us living at home, it got pretty...crazy at times.

I just, I want better for my kids and hope I can provide that. Like you say about your mom, I am not perfect either but like you also said, I want my kids to always feel loved and wanted. Sometimes anyone gets irritated but I hope overall they know how much I love them everyday.

It's a big goal for me.

Maria

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

I have friends who have grandchildren your age," she sometimes pointed out.

"So?"

"So, it means I'm too damned old to be your mother."

I giggled at those lines. My husband is 46 and I'm 42 we have a 3 year old and we're contemplating adopting again in the next few years. ::shakes head:: I know that Sarah will most definitely have the oldest parents in her class and she'll probably hear both of us eventually say that we have friends with grandchildren and that we're way to old to be her parents. :D I'm certain she'll agree and go about her merry way. :)

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

Dale's parents constantly say that Dale was planned, his sister was an "oops" and his brother was an "uh-oh." Dale's proud of the fact that he was the only one that was planned.

He's determined to be sure our child knows he's not an oops or uh-oh or wasn't planned. I don't think it's something he needs to know right away, but I'm sure eventually he'll find out the entire (sordid) story.

Re: Not exactly a mystery...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

...she believes the Bible points to the fact "Children are a blessing" etc so one should never try to prevent a blessing...

As the earth's population reached the 6 billion point, God gave us the technology of effective forms of contraception to control our fertility. I think this isn't just a coincidence. We have the free will and intelligence to decide when our plate is full. I believe it is more sinful to bring children into the world that one is ill equipped to take care of (be it financially or emotionally).

If your heart and mind tells you that 3 is what you can handle, don't let anyone tell you different. :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

*hands over a tissue and hugs back*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I think she'll take your age in stride - I know I did with my parent's age, and it was much more rare back then. Now, you and I are part of the norm. My husband is 47, with a 17-year-old son and a 21 month old. When he starts thinking about how old he will be when our son if finally out of the house, he gets a little dizzy and has to sit down for a minute...

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between not being planned and not being wanted or loved. As long as your baby knows that he is the last two, the fact that he isn't the first isn't going to matter to him one bit.

[lil-ms-drama.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how I figure it too.

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

It's ironic -- there's so much wisdom that my Dad tried to impart to me and I ignored him completely... or thought I did. Now that he's gone, it's all coming back to me! I swear, I think Daddy left us a collection of mental/emotional/spiritual inheritances that are NOT genetically based. Rich has suddenly developed an obsession with the weather, and I find myself giving commands in Daddy's voice when people around me are acting illogically. :)

[noblwish.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I always knew that the only planning that went into my conception was whether sex without spermicide might feel better. Celia was roaring outside, the newlyweds were bored, Mom commented that such experimentation MIGHT make a baby and Dad's response was, "yeah... so?" VOILA! Aly's here!!!

[sidneymintz.livejournal.com]

I always feel so torn when you post about your Mom. I feel like I should appreciate mine more, because she's still here.

I'm not a perfect mother, either. I don't have her here to reassure me that this is all right. Instead, I have memories of her that let me know that if she could do this, then so can I. It's it's okay to be imperfect.

I think I have perfection issues because I'm so critical of my Mom as a mom. I still feel like she really screwed up, and that my life, my sister's and my nephew's could have been so much better. My Mom's still here, but she doesn't make me feel reassured that I'm doing alright. But I do agree that if she could do this, then so can I. But I'm set on doing it WAY BETTER than she, and that puts a lot of pressure on me as well.

Sorry for the rant. And thanks for your words :)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Not all moms are created equal. The night my mother died, I called a friend who said, to make me feel better, that she wished it had been her mother instead. She had a lousy mother. I think I told her, "Me, too." Her mom was shallow, vain, egotistical and a little bit of a sociopath. I thought it would have been a lot more fair if her mother had been the one to die.

It's easy to put the dead on a pedestal and remember them as saints. I believe that my mom was remarkable in a lot of ways, but I also try to remember her as human. She was strong, funny, intelligent and loving, but she was also sarcastic, impatient and did not suffer fools easily. She was quick to offer comfort, but she also had a short temper. She lived by a high moral standard and could be intolerant of anyone who lived by a lesser one. She loved her children, though. She told us that we could do things that might make her not like us, but that she would never stop loving us, no matter what we did.

I can't say that she and I would not have had conflicts if she were still alive. She held strong opinions, and so do I. But I want to remember all of her, the good and the bad. If I forget her flaws, then I am holding onto an incomplete memory. It would be like removing half the pages from the book of her life (which was too short to begin with).

Some mothers are inspirations that you aspire to emulate, and some are only inspirations to do better than they did. Either way, you love their good points, forgive their bad, and take their pearls of wisdom that they offer you (either because they are wise, or because they offer up an example of what to avoid).

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

hahahaha! Just hand your husband a nitro pill and a paperbag to breathe into. ::shakes head:: Yes, we're the new norm but Sunday evening after services we had a get together for young families or families with young children. We had a scavenger hunt and one of the questions was..."who is the oldest person in the room." Without any qualms Mark announced that he was to save everyone the trouble of asking around among the group. :D