Wednesday - Copy This
Feb. 1st, 2006 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninanevermoreToday on my drive into work, I was thinking about the copy machine in my office and how it functions less as a copy machine and more as a cruel joke on people who may think that they want a copy of something. By the time you have spent 15 minutes figuring out the quirks of the machine, you have rethought just how bad you wanted a copy in the first place.
The copy machine is old and when it made the trip from California to Texas a few years ago it was not packed up properly. The people who service these machines know how to pack them so that all of the moving parts are secured and nothing gets knocked askew as it travels over hills and dales and pot holes on it's way to a new home.
This one was just loaded into a truck. Even after visits from the repairman, it still showed trauma from the ordeal.
Since we moved to our new office 2 years ago and it made a 2nd unsecured, though shorter, trip in a second truck, it's issues have blossomed into full-blown mechanical psychosis. At this point with company cutbacks, it has been deemed that a visit from a copy machine repairman is not cost effective since the machine "still makes copies."
There is only one person in our 4-person office who ever needs a copy machine. That would be me. I have learned to manipulate the machine in getting it to do my bidding, and in turn the machine has learned to manipulate me into doing it's bidding as well. The copy machine and I share a mutual loathing of each other.
In my office, here are the steps that one goes through to make a photocopy:
1) Turn on machine; it turns itself off after 30 minutes of inactivity. The function to reset this feature to make it stay on for up to 4 hours no longer works, so don't even try.
2) Go back to your desk and wait 10 minutes for the machine to warm up.
3) After 10 minutes, the machine will begin to make a whirring sound that last for about 30 seconds, followed by a thud. The thud sound is your cue that the machine is ready to copy. Sort of.
4) Place your original on the glass and close the cover. Set the toner level to light, as light as it will go, so that your copy does not come out as a solid black page.
5) Detach the part of the machine that sorts multiple copies and roll it a few inches away from the rest of the machine, otherwise your copy will jam as it tries to exit the machine. This jammed copy will not be usable, as removing it from the machine results in crumpling and tearing.
6) Set the number of copies that you want. The key pad does not always work right. You may need to go back to your desk and find a blunt object to hit it with. Better yet, just go with the default setting of "1."
7) Walk around to the side of the machine opposite of where the copy comes out. Jam your knee against the panel on this side of the machine, otherwise the machine will believe that it has a paper jam when it tries to make a copy. It will not have a real paper jam, just an imaginary one. This machine has a great imagination.
8) Press "Copy." The machine will make a whirring noise and give a shudder. The light will come on and the machine will act as if it is making a copy. Then it will stop in the middle of the process and tell you that it has a paper jam because you did not have your knee pressed hard enough against the side panel.
9) Open the front panel and all the side panels and go through the motions of clearing a paper jam. Even though there is no actual paper jamming the machine, you must act as if there is or it will not reset itself.
10) Return to the side of the machine and press your knee again the side panel, harder this time. Grab the sides of the machine with both hands and pull it toward your knee to make sure that the panel is being pressed with maximum force. To others in the office, it may look like you are doing something obscene to the copy machine. Ignore their snickering.
11) Wait for the machine to warm up again. It will take about 60 seconds this time. Keep your knee pressed into the side panel as it warms up so that it knows it does not have a jam.
12) Press "Copy." When you hear a piece of paper hit the floor, you will know you have been successful. If no paper hits the floor, repeat steps 9 through 11.
13) Get down on hands and knees to look for photocopy underneath what ever piece of furniture or office equipment it has slipped under. If you can't find it, go back to step 4.
Sometimes, someone else does need to make a copy. It never fails that they will come over to my desk and ask if I can help them, since I am the only one who knows how to work the copy machine. Now that I have typed them up, I think I will post the above instructions over the machine so that they will no longer need my help.
The copy machine is old and when it made the trip from California to Texas a few years ago it was not packed up properly. The people who service these machines know how to pack them so that all of the moving parts are secured and nothing gets knocked askew as it travels over hills and dales and pot holes on it's way to a new home.
This one was just loaded into a truck. Even after visits from the repairman, it still showed trauma from the ordeal.
Since we moved to our new office 2 years ago and it made a 2nd unsecured, though shorter, trip in a second truck, it's issues have blossomed into full-blown mechanical psychosis. At this point with company cutbacks, it has been deemed that a visit from a copy machine repairman is not cost effective since the machine "still makes copies."
There is only one person in our 4-person office who ever needs a copy machine. That would be me. I have learned to manipulate the machine in getting it to do my bidding, and in turn the machine has learned to manipulate me into doing it's bidding as well. The copy machine and I share a mutual loathing of each other.
In my office, here are the steps that one goes through to make a photocopy:
1) Turn on machine; it turns itself off after 30 minutes of inactivity. The function to reset this feature to make it stay on for up to 4 hours no longer works, so don't even try.
2) Go back to your desk and wait 10 minutes for the machine to warm up.
3) After 10 minutes, the machine will begin to make a whirring sound that last for about 30 seconds, followed by a thud. The thud sound is your cue that the machine is ready to copy. Sort of.
4) Place your original on the glass and close the cover. Set the toner level to light, as light as it will go, so that your copy does not come out as a solid black page.
5) Detach the part of the machine that sorts multiple copies and roll it a few inches away from the rest of the machine, otherwise your copy will jam as it tries to exit the machine. This jammed copy will not be usable, as removing it from the machine results in crumpling and tearing.
6) Set the number of copies that you want. The key pad does not always work right. You may need to go back to your desk and find a blunt object to hit it with. Better yet, just go with the default setting of "1."
7) Walk around to the side of the machine opposite of where the copy comes out. Jam your knee against the panel on this side of the machine, otherwise the machine will believe that it has a paper jam when it tries to make a copy. It will not have a real paper jam, just an imaginary one. This machine has a great imagination.
8) Press "Copy." The machine will make a whirring noise and give a shudder. The light will come on and the machine will act as if it is making a copy. Then it will stop in the middle of the process and tell you that it has a paper jam because you did not have your knee pressed hard enough against the side panel.
9) Open the front panel and all the side panels and go through the motions of clearing a paper jam. Even though there is no actual paper jamming the machine, you must act as if there is or it will not reset itself.
10) Return to the side of the machine and press your knee again the side panel, harder this time. Grab the sides of the machine with both hands and pull it toward your knee to make sure that the panel is being pressed with maximum force. To others in the office, it may look like you are doing something obscene to the copy machine. Ignore their snickering.
11) Wait for the machine to warm up again. It will take about 60 seconds this time. Keep your knee pressed into the side panel as it warms up so that it knows it does not have a jam.
12) Press "Copy." When you hear a piece of paper hit the floor, you will know you have been successful. If no paper hits the floor, repeat steps 9 through 11.
13) Get down on hands and knees to look for photocopy underneath what ever piece of furniture or office equipment it has slipped under. If you can't find it, go back to step 4.
Sometimes, someone else does need to make a copy. It never fails that they will come over to my desk and ask if I can help them, since I am the only one who knows how to work the copy machine. Now that I have typed them up, I think I will post the above instructions over the machine so that they will no longer need my help.
