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ninanevermore.
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I drove up to my Aunt Sylvia's 4th of July bash on Saturday, the first time I've made a family event in a few years. Actually, it's been 6 years since I drove the hundred plus miles to my Aunt's house in the resort community in the middle of nowhere, Texas. I know it was 6 years ago, because it was my cousin Aly's 1rst baby shower, and a group of us visited my cousin Leslie afterward on our way back (Leslie, at the time, lived in a different middle of nowhere halfway between my Aunt and me). It was the last time I ever saw Leslie; she packed up and moved to Tennessee after that and that's where she died and willed her remains to the Body Farm, never to come home again.
If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have stayed a bit longer that day. Ignorance may be bliss, but sometimes it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste.
The 4th this year was fun, though. All 3 of Leslie's Little-Sister Cousins – Aly, Frankie, and me – were together with our kids. Leslie was an only child, but she craved siblings like a pregnant woman craves pickles. She, the adopted outsider who never felt like she was "really" part of the family, adopted certain cousins in turn to be loved like the brothers and sisters she didn't have. She was already half grown when the 3 baby girls of the family came along, but she decided we needed a big sister and so she decided to be one to us.
We Little-Sister Cousins all started our families late, and in reverse order of the one we were born in. Aly, the youngest, had her daughter 6 years ago when she was in her early 30's. I am in the middle – currently counting down the days until I turn 40 – and I had my son two years later. Frankie, at 41, is the oldest Little-Sister Cousin, and her son is now 3.
We'd spend most of the 4th of July indoors since the heat was stifling that day. At some point on Saturday someone suggested we go swimming. We waited until 7 PM when it cooled down and loaded up the cars to take the kids down to the lake to spend the last hour of sunlight splashing in the water. The spouses of my Sister Cousins came along, as well as a couple of Frankie's nephews (Leslie didn't adopt Frankie's brothers, though she did take in a couple of mine).
I didn't bring a swimsuit, finding the process of trying them on to be too depressing, so my aunt offered to lend me one of hers. She keeps swimsuits from previous years just to lend out to visitors, she said. I agreed to look at what she had with some reservations since my aunt is just under 6 feet tall and I stand just over 5 feet tall. I thumbed through the suits she offered until I came across one that looked like it may have been washed in water that was a little too hot because it seemed quite a bit smaller than the others and it turned out to fit quite nicely, and only a little bit too lose. I also asked for a t-shirt to wear over it since I don't like how I look in swimwear and have not reconciled myself with the shape of my abdomen since my son was born.
My fellow sister cousins both outweigh me by more than 100 pounds, and neither of them bothered with a t-shirt.
"This is how I am," Frankie said, "I've got scars everywhere, and more titanium in me than the Terminator does. If you don't like it, don't look. I don't care." Frankie was in a head-on collision a few years ago and only recently stopped walking with a cane. Her recovery has been slow and excruciating.
"I worry about child, Nina, I really do," Leslie used to say, "I don't know how she's gonna make it." She makes it because we Little Sister Cousins are tougher than we look. Not one of us looks the least bit tough, but each of us is in her own way.
Aly is big and jolly, with a face out of a magazine and a body that Peter Paul Reuben would have found delightful. She didn't bother with a t-shirt, either. I – the only one in the group who weighs less than 200 pounds – was the only one who covered up. Aly is never embarrassed or ashamed or bothers to hold back. I don't even think she knows how to hold back. Her ADHD is as much her blessing as it is her curse, I think. She has the heart of a perpetual child, and she seems to love everyone and accept them at face value.
"What's wrong with that child, Nina?" Leslie used to moan. She always worried about the company Aly kept. Everyone does, except for Aly herself.
I don't know what she ever said about this child, me. I don't share much about myself with anyone, not even those closest too me. Ignorance was Leslie's bliss when it came to me.
I enjoyed my swim with my Sister Cousins that evening until the sun started to set and we scrambled to the shore to gather up kids and towels gear and head back to the house to feel the little ones and watch the fireworks. We talked about the stuff that sisters talk about and griped, and gossiped, and enjoyed each others company.
"I love you like a little sister," Leslie told me at the end of every phone call. "You, and Frankie, and Aly, you're all my little sisters and I love you. Y'all make me feel like family, and you don't know how much that means to me."
"You are family," I told her, time and time again.
"You know what I mean. Like real family."
"You are real family. If you were closer, I'd pinch you. I love you, too," I said, "Take care of yourself, girl." I didn't say that I loved her like a sister, because I wasn't sure what that meant until the phone call when Aly told me, "Leslie's gone." Until that moment, I thought I only had brothers and a lot of women cousins. Then I knew what it meant to love a sister, at the exact same instant I lost her forever.
So as I relaxed in warm lake water that smelled vaguely of dead mussels and dug for live mussels shells with my toes in the slightly-slimy lake sand, I realized how much I love Leslie's other Little Sister Cousins. They are more than my cousins, they are the sisters of my heart. This time, I'm smart enough to realize it while they're still here.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
.
.
I drove up to my Aunt Sylvia's 4th of July bash on Saturday, the first time I've made a family event in a few years. Actually, it's been 6 years since I drove the hundred plus miles to my Aunt's house in the resort community in the middle of nowhere, Texas. I know it was 6 years ago, because it was my cousin Aly's 1rst baby shower, and a group of us visited my cousin Leslie afterward on our way back (Leslie, at the time, lived in a different middle of nowhere halfway between my Aunt and me). It was the last time I ever saw Leslie; she packed up and moved to Tennessee after that and that's where she died and willed her remains to the Body Farm, never to come home again.
If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have stayed a bit longer that day. Ignorance may be bliss, but sometimes it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste.
The 4th this year was fun, though. All 3 of Leslie's Little-Sister Cousins – Aly, Frankie, and me – were together with our kids. Leslie was an only child, but she craved siblings like a pregnant woman craves pickles. She, the adopted outsider who never felt like she was "really" part of the family, adopted certain cousins in turn to be loved like the brothers and sisters she didn't have. She was already half grown when the 3 baby girls of the family came along, but she decided we needed a big sister and so she decided to be one to us.
We Little-Sister Cousins all started our families late, and in reverse order of the one we were born in. Aly, the youngest, had her daughter 6 years ago when she was in her early 30's. I am in the middle – currently counting down the days until I turn 40 – and I had my son two years later. Frankie, at 41, is the oldest Little-Sister Cousin, and her son is now 3.
We'd spend most of the 4th of July indoors since the heat was stifling that day. At some point on Saturday someone suggested we go swimming. We waited until 7 PM when it cooled down and loaded up the cars to take the kids down to the lake to spend the last hour of sunlight splashing in the water. The spouses of my Sister Cousins came along, as well as a couple of Frankie's nephews (Leslie didn't adopt Frankie's brothers, though she did take in a couple of mine).
I didn't bring a swimsuit, finding the process of trying them on to be too depressing, so my aunt offered to lend me one of hers. She keeps swimsuits from previous years just to lend out to visitors, she said. I agreed to look at what she had with some reservations since my aunt is just under 6 feet tall and I stand just over 5 feet tall. I thumbed through the suits she offered until I came across one that looked like it may have been washed in water that was a little too hot because it seemed quite a bit smaller than the others and it turned out to fit quite nicely, and only a little bit too lose. I also asked for a t-shirt to wear over it since I don't like how I look in swimwear and have not reconciled myself with the shape of my abdomen since my son was born.
My fellow sister cousins both outweigh me by more than 100 pounds, and neither of them bothered with a t-shirt.
"This is how I am," Frankie said, "I've got scars everywhere, and more titanium in me than the Terminator does. If you don't like it, don't look. I don't care." Frankie was in a head-on collision a few years ago and only recently stopped walking with a cane. Her recovery has been slow and excruciating.
"I worry about child, Nina, I really do," Leslie used to say, "I don't know how she's gonna make it." She makes it because we Little Sister Cousins are tougher than we look. Not one of us looks the least bit tough, but each of us is in her own way.
Aly is big and jolly, with a face out of a magazine and a body that Peter Paul Reuben would have found delightful. She didn't bother with a t-shirt, either. I – the only one in the group who weighs less than 200 pounds – was the only one who covered up. Aly is never embarrassed or ashamed or bothers to hold back. I don't even think she knows how to hold back. Her ADHD is as much her blessing as it is her curse, I think. She has the heart of a perpetual child, and she seems to love everyone and accept them at face value.
"What's wrong with that child, Nina?" Leslie used to moan. She always worried about the company Aly kept. Everyone does, except for Aly herself.
I don't know what she ever said about this child, me. I don't share much about myself with anyone, not even those closest too me. Ignorance was Leslie's bliss when it came to me.
I enjoyed my swim with my Sister Cousins that evening until the sun started to set and we scrambled to the shore to gather up kids and towels gear and head back to the house to feel the little ones and watch the fireworks. We talked about the stuff that sisters talk about and griped, and gossiped, and enjoyed each others company.
"I love you like a little sister," Leslie told me at the end of every phone call. "You, and Frankie, and Aly, you're all my little sisters and I love you. Y'all make me feel like family, and you don't know how much that means to me."
"You are family," I told her, time and time again.
"You know what I mean. Like real family."
"You are real family. If you were closer, I'd pinch you. I love you, too," I said, "Take care of yourself, girl." I didn't say that I loved her like a sister, because I wasn't sure what that meant until the phone call when Aly told me, "Leslie's gone." Until that moment, I thought I only had brothers and a lot of women cousins. Then I knew what it meant to love a sister, at the exact same instant I lost her forever.
So as I relaxed in warm lake water that smelled vaguely of dead mussels and dug for live mussels shells with my toes in the slightly-slimy lake sand, I realized how much I love Leslie's other Little Sister Cousins. They are more than my cousins, they are the sisters of my heart. This time, I'm smart enough to realize it while they're still here.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 05:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 02:33 pm (UTC)Ya' know, looking back, I think maybe I SHOULD have covered up. Poor little pubescent H could barely look me in the eyes after I changed into my suit. He started challenging Rich for all he was worth and his whole attitude toward me changed from the young punk bucking authority to a sweet young man seeking attention and approval.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:24 pm (UTC)I sat down to write a humorous antidote. Don't where this post came from.
Love you, kid.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 05:27 pm (UTC)Blood may be thicker than water, but love is even thicker than blood.
I have boatloads of cousins, but there are certain ones who are closer to me than others, in spite of the identical blood ties.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-07 07:00 pm (UTC)And that's why my friends were so important to me, I guess. I wasn't that close with my cousins, and the one I was close with, isn't worth my time. :P
no subject
Date: 2009-07-08 06:34 pm (UTC)