Tuesday – Hypocrisy is a Parental Hazard
Apr. 21st, 2009 04:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninanevermore.
.
.
I am convinced that hypocrisy is simply part of the human condition. At the very least, it's part of this particular human's condition. The best way to insure you will one day partake in a particular behavior is to announce in front of a large group of people that you don't approve of that behavior. The larger the group you act all smug and self righteous in front of, the more spectacular your fall from grace will be. This is why the careers of television preachers and right wing politicians often end in such sordid scandals: the TV cameras magnify Fate's vendetta against them.
Fortunately for me, I usually get smug and self righteous in front of a few friends and co-workers at most. As a result, my falls from grace are pretty low key. Often I am the only one to notice them.
Nothing turns a light on our tendency toward hypocrisy like raising a child. Just for fun, I would like to make a documentary where I would interview a group of new parents with their first baby, and ask them about the parenting techniques, rules, and regiments they plan to employ. Then I would like to come back 5 years later and ask them how well they stuck to their plans. I would expect a failure rate of somewhere around 95%.
Personally, I decided when I was 10 years old that I would never spank my kids. The reason I decided this was not because I thought beating a child was too harsh, but because I thought it was too sissy. By the age of 10 my parents would ask me if I wanted to be spanked or if I would rather be grounded for 2 weeks. I always chose the spanking, because a spanking is over within a few minutes while a grounding drags on and on and on. I thought my parents were wimps for even giving me a choice.
Back in the 70's when I was a kid, spankings were not soft core. They often involved a belt or worse, such as picking a "switch" from a yaupon tree in the back yard. Because kids are stupid, I always picked a thin branch of the tree. I was much older before I realized the thinner the branch, the more it worked like a whip and the worse it hurt. If the weapon to be used against my bottom was my mother's hand, I had to drop my jeans because she said they hurt her hand and cushioned my skin.
In modern parenting, "time outs" are the gold standard of discipline - the humane and non violent alternative to smacking a kid on the butt. But my son has recently spent so much time in time outs that he now slips into a tantrum at the first sign of being corrected. They don't work any more. They never worked that well with him in the first place, but now they flip a switch in his brain that causes him to freak out. Instead of quietly thinking about what he did wrong, he acts like he's fighting for his life. More and more I'm convinced that something was going on at his daycare with one of his teachers that took his previously manageable resistance and turned it into all out war. I think the teacher in question didn't pay the price for or see the damage she did; instead, he took it out on other teachers and on other children. My evidence against her is circumstantial, but that's fine because I'm not out to convict her. The other kids in her class as well behaved and seem to be well adjusted, so it seems her technique usually works. I'm left to figure out how to undo the damage she did to my little square peg when she tried to force him into a round hole.
So he's now getting spanked. Or something like a spanking, at least. My mother would never have called these swats on the bottom that don't hurt him or hurt my hand, but seems to offend him out of principle, actual spankings. I consider it a short term solution, but since I'm taking things one day at a time short term works for me right now. When he gets older and can be grounded or have beloved privileges revoked, I'll move over to that direction. For now, though, a turn across my knee seems to do the trick.
I gave him one of these faux spankings last night, when he did not want to get undressed for his bath. He spit at me (his newest and wettest bad behavior) when I told him it was bath time.
"Don't spit," I said, "It's nasty."
He then stuck his tongue out at me.
"Don't stick your tongue out at me, either. If you do one more naughty thing, you're getting a spanking."
He raised his hand in a claw, looked me in the eye, and tentatively, gingerly raked his nails down my arm. It was almost too gentle to call a scratch. He just wanted to see what I would do, and if I was serious.
I sighed. "Okay, that's enough." I turned him over my knee. One swat, hard enough for him to feel but nothing that would leave a welt like the spankings I got when I was his size.
"That's for spitting," I said.
Another swat. "That's for sticking your tongue out."
A third swat. "That's for scratching me."
I rolled him over a bit so I could see his face. "Now what was that for? Was it for spitting, sticking out your tongue and scratching?"
He shook his head vigorously. Another swat, and I asked the question again. He shook his head once more. A 5th swat, and this time he agreed that the punishment was, indeed, for spitting, sticking out his tongue, and scratching.
When I was small, the threat made to me had always been they were going to spank me so hard I wouldn't want to sit down for a week. But my son was fine after this little so-called beating, and he did not squirm in discomfort afterward when I sat him up on my lap, which means he didn't feel any.
"Now, can I have a hug?" I asked. He nodded and gave me, his hypocrite of a mother, a hug. He was good for the rest of the evening.
I suppose that to a 4 year old, 4 or 5 minutes in time out is as long and insufferable as a two-week grounding was to me as a 10 year old. I also suppose I'm as wimpy as my parents were since the idea of holding a screaming, kicking, scratching, flailing child in a corner (it's the only way to make him stay in one) has no appeal to me what so ever. Ironically, the gold standard form of non-violent discipline seems to make my son violent. Go figure.
All other principles aside, I just want a form of discipline that works without making us both insane.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
.
.
I am convinced that hypocrisy is simply part of the human condition. At the very least, it's part of this particular human's condition. The best way to insure you will one day partake in a particular behavior is to announce in front of a large group of people that you don't approve of that behavior. The larger the group you act all smug and self righteous in front of, the more spectacular your fall from grace will be. This is why the careers of television preachers and right wing politicians often end in such sordid scandals: the TV cameras magnify Fate's vendetta against them.
Fortunately for me, I usually get smug and self righteous in front of a few friends and co-workers at most. As a result, my falls from grace are pretty low key. Often I am the only one to notice them.
Nothing turns a light on our tendency toward hypocrisy like raising a child. Just for fun, I would like to make a documentary where I would interview a group of new parents with their first baby, and ask them about the parenting techniques, rules, and regiments they plan to employ. Then I would like to come back 5 years later and ask them how well they stuck to their plans. I would expect a failure rate of somewhere around 95%.
Personally, I decided when I was 10 years old that I would never spank my kids. The reason I decided this was not because I thought beating a child was too harsh, but because I thought it was too sissy. By the age of 10 my parents would ask me if I wanted to be spanked or if I would rather be grounded for 2 weeks. I always chose the spanking, because a spanking is over within a few minutes while a grounding drags on and on and on. I thought my parents were wimps for even giving me a choice.
Back in the 70's when I was a kid, spankings were not soft core. They often involved a belt or worse, such as picking a "switch" from a yaupon tree in the back yard. Because kids are stupid, I always picked a thin branch of the tree. I was much older before I realized the thinner the branch, the more it worked like a whip and the worse it hurt. If the weapon to be used against my bottom was my mother's hand, I had to drop my jeans because she said they hurt her hand and cushioned my skin.
In modern parenting, "time outs" are the gold standard of discipline - the humane and non violent alternative to smacking a kid on the butt. But my son has recently spent so much time in time outs that he now slips into a tantrum at the first sign of being corrected. They don't work any more. They never worked that well with him in the first place, but now they flip a switch in his brain that causes him to freak out. Instead of quietly thinking about what he did wrong, he acts like he's fighting for his life. More and more I'm convinced that something was going on at his daycare with one of his teachers that took his previously manageable resistance and turned it into all out war. I think the teacher in question didn't pay the price for or see the damage she did; instead, he took it out on other teachers and on other children. My evidence against her is circumstantial, but that's fine because I'm not out to convict her. The other kids in her class as well behaved and seem to be well adjusted, so it seems her technique usually works. I'm left to figure out how to undo the damage she did to my little square peg when she tried to force him into a round hole.
So he's now getting spanked. Or something like a spanking, at least. My mother would never have called these swats on the bottom that don't hurt him or hurt my hand, but seems to offend him out of principle, actual spankings. I consider it a short term solution, but since I'm taking things one day at a time short term works for me right now. When he gets older and can be grounded or have beloved privileges revoked, I'll move over to that direction. For now, though, a turn across my knee seems to do the trick.
I gave him one of these faux spankings last night, when he did not want to get undressed for his bath. He spit at me (his newest and wettest bad behavior) when I told him it was bath time.
"Don't spit," I said, "It's nasty."
He then stuck his tongue out at me.
"Don't stick your tongue out at me, either. If you do one more naughty thing, you're getting a spanking."
He raised his hand in a claw, looked me in the eye, and tentatively, gingerly raked his nails down my arm. It was almost too gentle to call a scratch. He just wanted to see what I would do, and if I was serious.
I sighed. "Okay, that's enough." I turned him over my knee. One swat, hard enough for him to feel but nothing that would leave a welt like the spankings I got when I was his size.
"That's for spitting," I said.
Another swat. "That's for sticking your tongue out."
A third swat. "That's for scratching me."
I rolled him over a bit so I could see his face. "Now what was that for? Was it for spitting, sticking out your tongue and scratching?"
He shook his head vigorously. Another swat, and I asked the question again. He shook his head once more. A 5th swat, and this time he agreed that the punishment was, indeed, for spitting, sticking out his tongue, and scratching.
When I was small, the threat made to me had always been they were going to spank me so hard I wouldn't want to sit down for a week. But my son was fine after this little so-called beating, and he did not squirm in discomfort afterward when I sat him up on my lap, which means he didn't feel any.
"Now, can I have a hug?" I asked. He nodded and gave me, his hypocrite of a mother, a hug. He was good for the rest of the evening.
I suppose that to a 4 year old, 4 or 5 minutes in time out is as long and insufferable as a two-week grounding was to me as a 10 year old. I also suppose I'm as wimpy as my parents were since the idea of holding a screaming, kicking, scratching, flailing child in a corner (it's the only way to make him stay in one) has no appeal to me what so ever. Ironically, the gold standard form of non-violent discipline seems to make my son violent. Go figure.
All other principles aside, I just want a form of discipline that works without making us both insane.
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 09:43 pm (UTC)2. I got spanked AND grounded. You actually got a choice. Even 30 years later, I'm jealous!!!
3. He's a smart little guy. At this very moment, he's crafting a plan to turn the psychology surrounding the spanking against you and work it to his own 4-yo advantage. May the force be with you.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 09:47 pm (UTC)I was spanked, grounded, threatened, had my driving privileges revoked... the works. Whatever stops the behavior -- so long as its not out and out abuse -- is what you use. Each kid is different and the trick is to find out what kind of punishment and reward system works.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 09:56 pm (UTC)2. I was kid #3 and my folks were in their mid 40's when I was 10. My older brothers got the full treatment, or so they claimed. By the time I came along, I think they were too tired to do both and so I got to chose. :)
3. No doubt. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 10:07 pm (UTC)If I, as a non-parent of my own kids, claim I do not want to do X, Y and Z and then find when I HAVE kids my ideas/actions change, that's different.
If I tell you, as a parent of my own kid, that I don't believe in X, Y and Z and then do it anyway and continue to PREACH against it, THAT is hypocrisy.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 10:19 pm (UTC)I am not against spanking BTW. I am for whatever works! (barring cruelty etc of course)
((HUGS))
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 10:20 pm (UTC)I got the works when I was growing, too. I still don't believe in leaving welts, and I don't think harsh punishments are necessarily the most effective ones. If every child was the same, the advice in those child rearing books would apply and my job would be a lot easier. This playing it by ear is a lot of work. :P
form of discipline
Date: 2009-04-21 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 04:55 am (UTC)I have used Ivory dish soap to clean up a dirty mouth, too. Cleans up the language in a hurry!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 05:00 am (UTC)And they got spankings too. But it was all about balance. I didn't exclusively use spankings, or groundings or time outs. I think the balance is important. I don't think they need to always know what their punishment will be. They just need to know that they will be punished and it will not be pleasant.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 02:19 pm (UTC)There are daycare kids I'd love to spank. I think they need it because obviously time out doesn't work for them. I don't believe in beating your kids until they're bloody or even leaving marks, but a swat on the ass is sometimes necessary. And can be effective.
I got spanked as a child. With a belt and a board book a couple of times, but usually with my mother's hand. And never did I get a choice. :P
*HUGS FOR NINA* I'm sorry that a teacher thought that EVERY child should be disciplined in the same way and ruined timeout for you guys...
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:24 pm (UTC)Damn it, I wasn't going to be that parent. He was breastfed! He eats organic snacks! Therefore, shouldn't he be organically well behaved?
Aparently not. *sigh*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:40 pm (UTC)Balance is important, and so is flexibility. Too much discipline, or discipline used in the wrong way, is as damaging as no discipline. For the immediate future, time out is not going to work for my child because he spent so much time stuck in a corner at school that he is traumatized by the idea of it.
Diaper rashes, biting, tantrums, being thrown out of day care - it's all a part of my world. The only thing I can be smug about is that he hasn't been arrested. Yet.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:47 pm (UTC)The thing is, I ran into his previous teacher, Miss G., the other weekend, and she asked about him. She told me he was such a good boy, and how much she loved working with him. His "issues" did not begin until he was promoted to an older class with his new teacher, Miss S., and over the months they've gotten worse and worse. Miss S. was negative about him from the first week she had him, and dismissed me when I told him what his other teacher said about him. She said he gave Miss G. problems, too. He never stood a chance with Miss S.
I'm dumb as a brick, I guess. I didn't see this training coming until it ran me (and my son) over flat, but the obvious signs were there all along. *bangs head on desk*
Re: form of discipline
Date: 2009-04-22 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 03:53 pm (UTC)I'm not in favor of the welts across the back of the legs and bottom that I got as a kid (my parents weren't meaning to be cruel, it was standard operating procedure back in the day), but I can't dismiss corporal punishment outright any more. It just needs to be withing reason.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 04:17 pm (UTC)It's not fair to your son that she had that early opinion of him that nothing could sway. She'd always find the negative instead of looking for the good things he does...
You're not dumb. I think a lot of parents would miss it. I mean we're taught to use timeout instead of physical discipline and that we're bad parents when we deviate from that teaching. Society has yet to learn that everyone's different and you can't approach everyone the same way...no matter if it's discipline, education, or training or what not.
*MORE HUGS*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 06:18 pm (UTC)For those that cannot be deterred, I think you have to find that one thing that they want the most, the one thing that means the most to them, and remove access to it. For younger kids, it's a favorite toy, tv show, or play time. When they're older, it's a boyfriend, the car, the phone or the bedroom door. That one thing has to be identified, and made part of the solution.
About the bedroom door: when my kids were teens, they slammed their bedroom doors to let us know how they felt about a decision we made. When I had enough of that, we popped it off the hinges and put the door in the garage. If behavior improved, the door was returned to its hinges 2 weeks later in a little ceremony. It was quite effective because nothing says "you are not in charge" to a teen than having their bedroom door removed. It required no yelling, no smacking and it resulted in an immediate change of behavior :) File that one away for later reference.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-22 08:33 pm (UTC)For him, standing in the corner was a fate worse than death.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 03:10 pm (UTC)A little honesty. That's all I'm asking for. :P
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 03:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 03:52 pm (UTC)I found it helpful in several places. Not perfect, but few things are. He made sense for me, so I will suggest you might want to read it.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 06:27 pm (UTC)I will note that the doorectomy is not a effective on 17 year old boys as it is on 17 year old girls. It worked on the Boy Son until about 17. It was quite effective. At that point he was no longer slamming doors, but just arguing with us too much. We threatened the doorectomy, he continued to argue. We performed the delicate operation. He still continued to argue. We told him he could have his door back if he went for a week without arguing with us. Two mos later he was still without a door. So he began walking around naked in his room. ::headdesk:: It worked for so many years. But we had to give him back his door. Nobody wants to see a naked 17 year old boy except a naked 16 year old girl.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 06:35 pm (UTC)In my head, I can hear what my own mother's response would have been to her sons: "Cool it, and put some clothes on. You can't shock me. I used to change your diapers: I know what you've got."
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 07:59 pm (UTC)