Wednesday – I (heart) My Little Hell Spawn

[ninanevermore]

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My son has had a pretty good last couple of weeks. Only a few minor incidents, and almost none of them involving a successful bite. In fact, on Monday afternoon one of the teachers at the daycare told me how good and how sweet he'd been. I felt proud. I felt confident. I felt we were making progress

I should know better by now.

When my son is sweet, he is very sweet. His special little talent is to go from angel to devil on the turn of a dime. Jeff has Tuesdays off, and he picked up him from daycare yesterday, which allows me to catch up at work. I called Jeff on his cell phone to see how things went.

"Well, according to the note I got, he had a really good day until about 5:30, when he punched a teacher in the face and broke her glasses."

I waited a few moments for Jeff to say, "Ha, ha, just kidding. He was great!" And waited. And waited some more. It occurred to me that Jeff needed some prompting.

"Tell me you're kidding," I said.

"That's what it says. He was playing with a toy and the teacher asked him to share and let another kid play with it. He didn't like that, so he threw a block at the other kid. Then he had a fit, and hit the teacher. Then she took him to the office, and she says he scratched her and kicked at her many times." You could tell he was reading the incident report so I could get all the details.

I made a little whimpering sound. "Oh, God," I said in my tiny, squeaky voice of dismay.

"Yeah, oh God."

I tried to lighten the mood, which was pretty heavy as it traveled through the air between our two cell phones. "So, what do you want to do? Put him up for adoption?"

Jeff blew up at me. "Yeah, that's it. We'll put him up for adoption and get rid of him," he snapped.

Our personalities go in complete opposite directions when we are under stress. As far as I'm concerned, the best place to crack a joke is when you're standing in front of the firing squad. Before they pull the trigger, you wink and tell the gunmen how nice it is to see them. You ask them to meet you at the bar for a round of drinks after the festivities. Jeff, on the other hand, would go down ranting and raving. He would scowl and curse at them. This, of course, is what the firing squad expects. They would remember me long after they forgot about Jeff.

"I was kidding," I said. About time one of us said that.

"Well I can't joke right now."

After the phone call, I pulled over at a pharmacy to buy a bottle of pain killer and some water to wash it down. I had a tension headache starting in the back of my neck that would make my skull feel like it was going to implode if I didn't nip it in the bud.

Vampire Book mom at my office, who was supposed to get the name of a child therapist for me from her son's therapist, went on vacation this week without passing along a name or number for me to call. It turns out, however, we know another mother of another problem child. My son's half brother was also a holy terror. He began seeing a therapist around the age of 4, and got thrown out of several day cares. When I emailed him and asked him about it recently, and explained the problems I was having with his brother, he replied, I was way worse than that. I bit the first therapist they sent me to. It used to take 5 adults to hold me down to put eye drops in my eyes. He is now an easy-going 19 year old who stays out of trouble. I guess there is hope.

Jeff and I had believed my stepson's problems stemmed from the unstable environment in his mother's house. In recent years, since they've put her on medication for bipolar disorder, she's been a lot calmer, but when her son was small living with her was kind of a wild ride.

I really should just give up on being self righteous. It always comes back to bite me in the ass.

Jeff called my stepson's mom last night and she gave us the name and numbers of two doctors. One that she liked who is close to where we live, and the one her son liked best, who is close to my office and thus very far away from where we live.

I informed the daycare this morning that we had the name of a therapist, and would be contacting them. I offered to pay for a replacement pair of glasses for the teacher. I apologized for approximately the one thousandth time.

I pray they accept it, and give my son a 1001st chance.



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Comments

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

".....when he punched a teacher in the face and broke her glasses....."

Woooooooooooooooooooooow. I'm just ... speechless. I will continue to hope that you and Jeff are in the midst of dealing with all the trouble he's going to give you and that by the time he hits his teenage years, he's gotten all of this out of his system and regularly acts as the perfect angel.

By the way, is there a "permanent record" for daycare? Do the other daycare providers do background checks to alert them to applicants with "problem child" status?

sheesh,..

[erisreg.livejournal.com]

think twice about getting him martial arts training,..o.o


(yes i'm kidding,..)

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

No teenager is a perfect angel, but I'd settle for "does not wind up with a police record" at this point.

I've never seen my son punch anyone, though that is the word the teacher used. I don't even let him watch violent cartoons or TV shows, and there is certainly no punching at home. I'm hoping she meant he was flailing and that her glasses got broken in the scuffle. All young children flail when they have a meltdown, so that wouldn't surprise me. But I wasn't there and can't say what happened.

At least he didn't bite her. Progress!

I don't think daycares have permanent records yet. I hope not.

Re: sheesh,..

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Actually, it might be a good idea. They put a lot of emphasis on self discipline. Counter intuitive, but something to consider.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

yes do think twice about getting him martial arts training.

but all in all sounds like mostly he's improved despite this recent set back.


Poor YOU.
hang in there. He's a smart cookie and it will all get better.

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

::HUGS:: I'm so glad you were given some positive feedback before this incident. Just keep that folded up in your back pocket so you can reflect on those positive thoughts when things don't go well.
You might want to share those same thoughts with your son. Letting him know how pleased his teachers are when he behaves might help out. Knowing your son's brother has turned out just fine should also serve as a hopeful sign. Bless your heart, hon. ::pats on back::

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

This smart cookies feels like she's about to crumble. It's a setback, but kind of a big one. He has improved. I was getting all kinds of comments about how much better he is. And then, this. *headdesk*

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Feedback is all part of our current "homespun" therapy. We go over what we expect from him every day before school. I made up little forms with check boxes so his teachers can let me know, in detail, what he did wrong and what he did right. When we pick him up, we tell him what we're proud of, and what has disappointed us. It's been working.

I guess there are always set backs, but punching someone in the face is a new behavior we haven't had to deal with before. It took me by surprise (though I bet not as much as it took the teacher by surprise).

We had a long talk about it last night, and again this morning. I've got my fingers crossed that today will be better.

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear darlin. Here's to hoping therapy helps.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Me, too. You won't believe how hard it is to find a therapist that works with 4 year olds. Apparently, most people wait until they're in their teens or 20s to be really f%$@ed up. o_O

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

That's how it worked with me. I gave mom no trouble til I hit puberty then made up for it with a vengeance. Maybe yours will be the reverse.

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

Was it, what we would define as a punch or was he just flailing about and caught his teacher in the face? It's hard to grasp, the idea of your little guy outright punching someone square in the face. :/

I know the teacher's appreciate all the efforts you are putting into everything...the forms and feedback/communication...all of this is bound to be counted as favorable in their eyes. In my 18 years of teaching, I don't even think I have enough parents like you to count on one hand. ::pats on back:: Keep up the good work...it's going to get better.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I honestly can't picture him punching someone. The few times he's tried to hit me, it was an open-handed slap that didn't even hurt. I didn't let him get away with it, but it certainly wasn't hard enough to break anything or even leave a red mark - and he was using all his strenth.

If he did punch her he must have seen another child punch someone and decided to test the technique himself. He could also have seen someone get punched in a cartoon or TV show. I don't let him watch violent cartoons or TV at home (Sponge Bob is too violent to passes my muster, even), but I don't know what he watches at school (he does watch Sponge Bob there).

I'm not ruling it out that he may have punched her, but I would bet it was more likely a flail that knocked her glasses off and they got crushed on the floor.

I still owe her a pair of glasses, whichever was the case. I hope they weren't too expensive.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I can only hope.

[simplecity2htwn.livejournal.com]

From a $$$ standpoint, biting her may have been cheaper.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

No kidding. X_X

I'm hoping her insurance will cover the glasses and she'll say don't worry about it. But I had to offer and if she wants me to make good on it, I'll have to comply. It's the right thing to do, and I desperately need their goodwill at this point.

[basketcaselady.livejournal.com]

You don't have to get her new lenses with all the bells and whistles they can add on to them. It sounds like all she needs is new frames. The exact same frame she has now can most likely be ordered. Then they can pop the lenses into them. Unless she has designer frames ($150-200+) they prob cost $75 or under.

I don't know what to tell you about Sweet Pea. When the kids got out of hand, which was rare, I took the one thing that meant the most to them at the moment and took it away. Often just the threat of that was a deterrent.

[ithoughtsheknew.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering if "punch" was the best term the teacher could have come up with in the heat of the moment. I'm thinking he knocked them off her face and were damaged. Were they crushed or just bent. You might not have to spend too much money if the damage isn't too great. ::pats on back again:: Let's just hope they were Sarah Palin glasses...those are way out of my league...I'd love to have them but the pocket book says, "....ummmm...nope." LOL!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

At home I don't have problems with him, or at least nothing extraordinary. Certainly nothing of the scale that they have at his school. The back story to his breaking the glasses was that he was playing with a toy and it came time to "rotate" the toy to another child (they use a timer, and everyone takes a turn at each station). He wasn't ready to move on, and threw a block at the child who was "next." When the teacher got down on his lever to talk to him about this, he went into meltdown mode and things got ugly.

Another teacher wrote on one of his daily reports last that he is very sweet and cooperative, except during "transition" times. He gets very focused on what he is doing, and doesn't like being told he has to stop. It looks like we have to work on this area. One of these days when he is an adult, this focus and strive to finish his projects might come in handy. Right now, it's kind of a detriment.

We had a long talk on the way to school about how all the toys at school belong to the teachers, and when they tell him to share, he has to share. He didn't like the sound of that, but told me he understood.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

Working daycare doesn't pay very much. I'm hoping they were the kind of glasses your average daycare worker can afford, and that she didn't save up and splurge on them. If they were designer frames, I'm just buying a tube of Super Glue and telling her I'll repair them myself. :P

[basketcaselady.livejournal.com]

Our son had add (not adhd). Transitioning and anything that disrupted the flow was difficult. We had great difficulty with that. However, as a young adult, he had the focus and concentration to earn a university degree in Intensive Psychology. So yes, there are benefits to that type of focus during other stages of his life ;)

I wonder if he might do better in setting with more structure to the day and less changes. Or perhaps in the other direction, a Montessori type school, where he can explore what his focus is uninterrupted until he's ready to change focus.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

If he did punch her he must have seen another child punch someone and decided to test the technique himself

that was my thought too. I wonder about the other kids in the room. Maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did require a new placement!!

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's rough. *HUGS NINA TIGHT* I hope one of the therapists works for your son. I'm glad he had a good couple of weeks before he acted out again.

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

It's like a dance, I guess: one step forward, two steps back. We just have to turn him around to get him headed in the right direction.