Friday – Death and Smoke Rings
Jun. 20th, 2008 01:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninanevermore.
.
.
"What, no questions?" the Carney asked me, "You usually got questions for me."
"Can't I just stop by to say hello? Isn't that what friends do?" I asked.
"I suppose," he drawled.
"Make a smoke ring, please," I told him, "I like those."
"Hang on," he said, "I got to let some people off this ride." I watched as the Ferris Wheel slowed to a stop, and a handful of people got out of their car. They were from all walks of life: a construction worker, a business man, a woman in blue jeans wearing gardening gloves, and a few others. One guy in his late teens or early twenties kept muttering, "My car. Oh, man, my car. How am I gonna fix this?" A pair of small children ran up an old woman standing off to the side who was beckoning to them. She bent down and introduced herself to them as their grandmother before taking their hands in her own and leading them off.
When they all had stepped through the gate next to the Carney and immediately disappeared from my view, he grinned and inhaled deeply on his cigarette, then leaned his head back and blew one of those amazing smoke rings of his. It started off small and dense, then grew larger as it rose above his head, but did not grow any less dense. After a few moments, the smoke began to flutter and writhe, then it turned into a ring of small gray morning doves that flew off in all directions.
"Cool," I said.
"Thought you'd like that," he said. "So what brings you to see me? I just been on your mind, baby girl?"
"Always," I said, "I thought you were coming for my Dad a few weeks ago, and it scared me to d… it scared the piss out of me. Then I saw my aunt on Saturday; she thinks you might be coming for her and she's giving all her things away. Then there's Cameron, who seems to be immune from you. They said that taking that tube out of his bile duct would kill him, but it didn't. They said that moving him from Tennessee back down to Texas would kill him, but it didn't. My aunt said he's in a nursing home down by her now, and he seems to be doing all right. It's like the boy is incapable of dying." Cameron is not a boy, exactly; he is now 33 years old. But the damage caused by about his brain aneurysm changed him in unexpected ways; his skin is still as soft and smooth as the day his brain "exploded," as him mother so elegantly put it, 15 years ago. It's like he asked for immortality, and received by means of a curse.
"He's a special case," the Carney said.
"No kidding. Any particular reason why?"
"No reason I can talk with you about. Rest assured, what's supposed to happen will happen in due time."
"What happens in due time often sucks," I said.
"Yup," he agreed, "I guess I can see why you'd feel that way."
"So if we all have to die..." I began.
"Not all. I don't have to," the Carney reminded me with a wink.
"I mean all people, and all puppies and kittens and birds and billy goats, why do we live in the first place? Wouldn't it be better to have never been born than to live our lives worrying about dying some day?"
"Puppies and kitten and birds and billy goats don't worry like that," he said.
"How do you know? Did you ask them?"
"I have."
"If that's true, then why to they get scared and run away when they think they're in danger?"
"They worry about it when it's looming up on them, but they don't stress out about it when they're perfectly safe like you people do."
"Hmmmm. Okay, I'll buy that. But why was I born to live worrying about death? What does life mean if it's just going to end?"
"It means what you make it mean, baby girl. You want it to matter, then make yourself matter."
I sighed. "I guess I'd like it better if I just mattered intrinsically. You know, without having to go to too much effort."
"You and everybody else," he said. "I think that's a basic design flaw with most people."
"You're probably right," I said and watched the Ferris Wheel revolve slowly as I chewed over what he'd said. "Hey, blow me another smoke ring. This time, I want parakeets."
The Carney raised his eyebrows at me.
"Please?"
He laughed, inhaled deeply, then shook his head and smiled before tipping it back and pursing his lips in an O.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
.
.
"What, no questions?" the Carney asked me, "You usually got questions for me."
"Can't I just stop by to say hello? Isn't that what friends do?" I asked.
"I suppose," he drawled.
"Make a smoke ring, please," I told him, "I like those."
"Hang on," he said, "I got to let some people off this ride." I watched as the Ferris Wheel slowed to a stop, and a handful of people got out of their car. They were from all walks of life: a construction worker, a business man, a woman in blue jeans wearing gardening gloves, and a few others. One guy in his late teens or early twenties kept muttering, "My car. Oh, man, my car. How am I gonna fix this?" A pair of small children ran up an old woman standing off to the side who was beckoning to them. She bent down and introduced herself to them as their grandmother before taking their hands in her own and leading them off.
When they all had stepped through the gate next to the Carney and immediately disappeared from my view, he grinned and inhaled deeply on his cigarette, then leaned his head back and blew one of those amazing smoke rings of his. It started off small and dense, then grew larger as it rose above his head, but did not grow any less dense. After a few moments, the smoke began to flutter and writhe, then it turned into a ring of small gray morning doves that flew off in all directions.
"Cool," I said.
"Thought you'd like that," he said. "So what brings you to see me? I just been on your mind, baby girl?"
"Always," I said, "I thought you were coming for my Dad a few weeks ago, and it scared me to d… it scared the piss out of me. Then I saw my aunt on Saturday; she thinks you might be coming for her and she's giving all her things away. Then there's Cameron, who seems to be immune from you. They said that taking that tube out of his bile duct would kill him, but it didn't. They said that moving him from Tennessee back down to Texas would kill him, but it didn't. My aunt said he's in a nursing home down by her now, and he seems to be doing all right. It's like the boy is incapable of dying." Cameron is not a boy, exactly; he is now 33 years old. But the damage caused by about his brain aneurysm changed him in unexpected ways; his skin is still as soft and smooth as the day his brain "exploded," as him mother so elegantly put it, 15 years ago. It's like he asked for immortality, and received by means of a curse.
"He's a special case," the Carney said.
"No kidding. Any particular reason why?"
"No reason I can talk with you about. Rest assured, what's supposed to happen will happen in due time."
"What happens in due time often sucks," I said.
"Yup," he agreed, "I guess I can see why you'd feel that way."
"So if we all have to die..." I began.
"Not all. I don't have to," the Carney reminded me with a wink.
"I mean all people, and all puppies and kittens and birds and billy goats, why do we live in the first place? Wouldn't it be better to have never been born than to live our lives worrying about dying some day?"
"Puppies and kitten and birds and billy goats don't worry like that," he said.
"How do you know? Did you ask them?"
"I have."
"If that's true, then why to they get scared and run away when they think they're in danger?"
"They worry about it when it's looming up on them, but they don't stress out about it when they're perfectly safe like you people do."
"Hmmmm. Okay, I'll buy that. But why was I born to live worrying about death? What does life mean if it's just going to end?"
"It means what you make it mean, baby girl. You want it to matter, then make yourself matter."
I sighed. "I guess I'd like it better if I just mattered intrinsically. You know, without having to go to too much effort."
"You and everybody else," he said. "I think that's a basic design flaw with most people."
"You're probably right," I said and watched the Ferris Wheel revolve slowly as I chewed over what he'd said. "Hey, blow me another smoke ring. This time, I want parakeets."
The Carney raised his eyebrows at me.
"Please?"
He laughed, inhaled deeply, then shook his head and smiled before tipping it back and pursing his lips in an O.
