ninanevermore (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ninanevermore) wrote2009-09-18 03:57 pm
ninanevermore) wrote2009-09-18 03:57 pm
Friday – The Meeting
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.
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My meeting with the director of my son's old daycare center this week lasted longer than I though it would. I figured I would go in there, have my say, and leave after 10 minutes. Instead, I was there for most of an hour. This wasn't about yelling or making accusations or anything like that. I just wanted to share with the director the fact that my son's behavioral issues which caused her to ask me not to bring him back had all but evaporated with his expulsion. I also wanted to share with her the things that her former employees had shared with me about possible causes for my son's behavior. Chief among them was the assertion that his life in the classroom was playing out like a Pre-K versions of Lord of The Flies, with my son playing the role of the kid who gets run through with a spear in the novel.
"I'm glad you came today. Most of the time, people don’t tell me when something goes wrong, so I don't have any way to correct it," Meridith said. I always liked Meridith. She is a plump, sweet faced woman about my age. He new assistant director, Kim, who sat in on the meeting is a taller, slightly less round version of her. "How is [Sweat Pea] doing?"
"Great," I told her, "Wonderful, actually. He hasn't bitten another child since the day he left here. He had maybe 3 or 4 tantrums in the two months after he left, but after awhile those stopped as well."
"Only three or four? That's amazing," Meridith said.
"He was having them just about every day here, I think?"
"He was having two or three a day here," she said. This was news to me. Apparently they only called me when the tantrum lasted over an hour.
I continued. "The therapist we took him to said after a few sessions that she didn't see any reason to keep seeing him. That turn around in itself told me that the problem was probably something that was going on here, because he improved so quickly after he left. Then I spoke with a few of your ex employees who worked with him, and I was sure of it. That's why I wanted to talk to you today."
"I'd love to hear what they had to say," Meridith said. "Usually, they just leave and they never tell us anything when they do. If you know something I don't, please share it with me." There was no hint of sarcasm in her words. Her tone was sincere, though her expression was that of a person expecting to be slapped across the face for something she know she'd done wrong.
I explained that Sweet Pea is now being watch by one of her former employees, who only told me that she "butted heads" with Sweet Pea's teacher, Selma, when Selma was watching her own daughter. My current babysitter has never given me details about what she and Selma disagreed over, though. I told Meridith that I was more concern about what I've heard from two young women who worked in my son's classroom, because they both used the same words to describe why the quit: "The kids in that class were out of control."
"Out of control?" Meridith asked.
"Brittany was the first one to use that phrase. I think she said she worked in that room for three weeks before she quit?"
"She did, and then one day she just didn't show up. She never told me why. It put us in a real bind, to tell you the truth."
"We were emailing back and forth through a caregiver website. I explained about some of my son's problems and how I suspected Selma might be part of the problem. Brittany emailed me back that she agreed and that 'Selma was rude to the little kids and that's why they were out of control.'"
Meridith made some notes on the legal pad in front of her.
"Then I ran into Mackenzie in the grocery store one night, and after talking to her I decided I really needed to talk to you. She only worked here 2 days, she said."
Meridith nodded, "And then never showed up again. I tried calling her, but she never answered her phone and never called me back."
"Both of these girls are young," I said with a shrug, "Brittany is 19 and Mackenzie is 20, I think. When you're that young, you think your voice doesn't matter. It's easier to just walk away than try to get people to listen to you, or at least that's what they believe."
"I wish they would have come to me and let me know what was bothering them," Meridith said.
"What Mackenzie told me is that several of the boys in that room were very aggressive, and that my son was the main target of that aggression. He's the same height as them, but he probably weighs a good 10 pounds less than some of them. I don't know if you remember, but he's very thin." I held my hands up in a circle to show his waist size.
Meridith smiled. "He's small, I remember."
"He had told my husband and me that it was too hard to be good because when he tried, because the other kids called him names. Specifically, the other boys. I didn't think much about this, but Mackenzie told me that not only did they call him names, they also threw things at him and hit him and that some of the other teachers did nothing to stop this. Then, when my son lashed out and hit or bit someone, I got an incident report. I think after awhile, he started biting proactively," I admitted.
"I think so, too. He decided he was going to hurt them before they had a chance to hurt him first," Meridith said.
"I know there is an old-school mindset that some people have about bullying, that it's something you should ignore and let the kids work out themselves. My mindset is that when you ignore negative behavior, as far as kids are concerned you're condoning it. In the case of bullying, the victim learns that it's okay that he's being tormented, and the bully learns that he can do what he wants and no one is going to stop him."
"You're right," Meridith said, "That's not acceptable. Ever. I'm so sorry."
"I know Selma is strict about some things, like making them stand still in a line before they can go into the playground, but apparently she's willing to let other things like aggression towards other kids slide. No one complained about my son before he was put into her classroom. In fact, he was more of a teacher's pet as far as Gemetha and Danielle were concerned. It was only when he went into Selma's classroom that she started telling me she couldn't control him. Then the biting and the tantrums started. And we all know how the story ended. Judging from what Brittany and Mackenzie told me, I gather there was a high turnover with the afternoon teachers in that room?"
Meridith nodded again. "For awhile, we couldn't keep an afternoon teacher in there. But we've had someone for 6 months now, and she's working out." She broke out in a smile of obvious relief. I've been thinking about this, and I wonder if the removal of my son - the designated class victim - also calmed the victimizers. With no one left to bully, the bullies turned back into regular little boys.
"My son is himself again," I said, "He plays again, which he'd stopped doing. He plays with other children. He sings again. He builds things. He creates again. He doesn't tell us he's bad anymore. When he was here, he used to tell us that he couldn't be good because it was too hard, and that he believed he was bad."
"No, no, no," Meridith said, "that breaks my heart that he thought he was bad. There aren't any bad children."
"I wouldn't go so far as to say that," I said, "there are kids who do bad things."
"But I don't think kids are ever bad, they just..." she hesitated, looking for the right words.
"Act out," I said.
"Yes," Meridith said. She looked like she wanted to cry.
"I just wanted to talk to you, in case anything like this happens again with someone else's child. The next time a child who never acted out starts to, maybe the first thing you should do is look at what's happening in that classroom and maybe consider moving them to another one."
"It never occurred to me to move him to another class," she said miserably. She had her face in her hand.
"And perhaps you should put some rules in place about how bullying."
"We've discussed it before in staff meetings, but we've never put down a policy about it. I guess we need to."
"It never occurred to me it could be a problem in children this young," I admitted.
"Oh, it does. Even with the toddlers, you can spot that one child who's a little smaller and a little more timid. That's the one that gets bit by all the others. I tell the teachers to move that child away from the others, and to keep an eye on them."
"Well, I hated to take up so much of your time, but I felt like I needed to for my own peace of mind. If anything like this happens to someone else's child, I wanted you to have some insights about what might be going on, and maybe things can be resolved a little faster and with a little less trauma for everyone involved."
"I'm so glad you came in. I needed to know this stuff. Thank you."
She looked like she meant it.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * # * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
.
.
My meeting with the director of my son's old daycare center this week lasted longer than I though it would. I figured I would go in there, have my say, and leave after 10 minutes. Instead, I was there for most of an hour. This wasn't about yelling or making accusations or anything like that. I just wanted to share with the director the fact that my son's behavioral issues which caused her to ask me not to bring him back had all but evaporated with his expulsion. I also wanted to share with her the things that her former employees had shared with me about possible causes for my son's behavior. Chief among them was the assertion that his life in the classroom was playing out like a Pre-K versions of Lord of The Flies, with my son playing the role of the kid who gets run through with a spear in the novel.
"I'm glad you came today. Most of the time, people don’t tell me when something goes wrong, so I don't have any way to correct it," Meridith said. I always liked Meridith. She is a plump, sweet faced woman about my age. He new assistant director, Kim, who sat in on the meeting is a taller, slightly less round version of her. "How is [Sweat Pea] doing?"
"Great," I told her, "Wonderful, actually. He hasn't bitten another child since the day he left here. He had maybe 3 or 4 tantrums in the two months after he left, but after awhile those stopped as well."
"Only three or four? That's amazing," Meridith said.
"He was having them just about every day here, I think?"
"He was having two or three a day here," she said. This was news to me. Apparently they only called me when the tantrum lasted over an hour.
I continued. "The therapist we took him to said after a few sessions that she didn't see any reason to keep seeing him. That turn around in itself told me that the problem was probably something that was going on here, because he improved so quickly after he left. Then I spoke with a few of your ex employees who worked with him, and I was sure of it. That's why I wanted to talk to you today."
"I'd love to hear what they had to say," Meridith said. "Usually, they just leave and they never tell us anything when they do. If you know something I don't, please share it with me." There was no hint of sarcasm in her words. Her tone was sincere, though her expression was that of a person expecting to be slapped across the face for something she know she'd done wrong.
I explained that Sweet Pea is now being watch by one of her former employees, who only told me that she "butted heads" with Sweet Pea's teacher, Selma, when Selma was watching her own daughter. My current babysitter has never given me details about what she and Selma disagreed over, though. I told Meridith that I was more concern about what I've heard from two young women who worked in my son's classroom, because they both used the same words to describe why the quit: "The kids in that class were out of control."
"Out of control?" Meridith asked.
"Brittany was the first one to use that phrase. I think she said she worked in that room for three weeks before she quit?"
"She did, and then one day she just didn't show up. She never told me why. It put us in a real bind, to tell you the truth."
"We were emailing back and forth through a caregiver website. I explained about some of my son's problems and how I suspected Selma might be part of the problem. Brittany emailed me back that she agreed and that 'Selma was rude to the little kids and that's why they were out of control.'"
Meridith made some notes on the legal pad in front of her.
"Then I ran into Mackenzie in the grocery store one night, and after talking to her I decided I really needed to talk to you. She only worked here 2 days, she said."
Meridith nodded, "And then never showed up again. I tried calling her, but she never answered her phone and never called me back."
"Both of these girls are young," I said with a shrug, "Brittany is 19 and Mackenzie is 20, I think. When you're that young, you think your voice doesn't matter. It's easier to just walk away than try to get people to listen to you, or at least that's what they believe."
"I wish they would have come to me and let me know what was bothering them," Meridith said.
"What Mackenzie told me is that several of the boys in that room were very aggressive, and that my son was the main target of that aggression. He's the same height as them, but he probably weighs a good 10 pounds less than some of them. I don't know if you remember, but he's very thin." I held my hands up in a circle to show his waist size.
Meridith smiled. "He's small, I remember."
"He had told my husband and me that it was too hard to be good because when he tried, because the other kids called him names. Specifically, the other boys. I didn't think much about this, but Mackenzie told me that not only did they call him names, they also threw things at him and hit him and that some of the other teachers did nothing to stop this. Then, when my son lashed out and hit or bit someone, I got an incident report. I think after awhile, he started biting proactively," I admitted.
"I think so, too. He decided he was going to hurt them before they had a chance to hurt him first," Meridith said.
"I know there is an old-school mindset that some people have about bullying, that it's something you should ignore and let the kids work out themselves. My mindset is that when you ignore negative behavior, as far as kids are concerned you're condoning it. In the case of bullying, the victim learns that it's okay that he's being tormented, and the bully learns that he can do what he wants and no one is going to stop him."
"You're right," Meridith said, "That's not acceptable. Ever. I'm so sorry."
"I know Selma is strict about some things, like making them stand still in a line before they can go into the playground, but apparently she's willing to let other things like aggression towards other kids slide. No one complained about my son before he was put into her classroom. In fact, he was more of a teacher's pet as far as Gemetha and Danielle were concerned. It was only when he went into Selma's classroom that she started telling me she couldn't control him. Then the biting and the tantrums started. And we all know how the story ended. Judging from what Brittany and Mackenzie told me, I gather there was a high turnover with the afternoon teachers in that room?"
Meridith nodded again. "For awhile, we couldn't keep an afternoon teacher in there. But we've had someone for 6 months now, and she's working out." She broke out in a smile of obvious relief. I've been thinking about this, and I wonder if the removal of my son - the designated class victim - also calmed the victimizers. With no one left to bully, the bullies turned back into regular little boys.
"My son is himself again," I said, "He plays again, which he'd stopped doing. He plays with other children. He sings again. He builds things. He creates again. He doesn't tell us he's bad anymore. When he was here, he used to tell us that he couldn't be good because it was too hard, and that he believed he was bad."
"No, no, no," Meridith said, "that breaks my heart that he thought he was bad. There aren't any bad children."
"I wouldn't go so far as to say that," I said, "there are kids who do bad things."
"But I don't think kids are ever bad, they just..." she hesitated, looking for the right words.
"Act out," I said.
"Yes," Meridith said. She looked like she wanted to cry.
"I just wanted to talk to you, in case anything like this happens again with someone else's child. The next time a child who never acted out starts to, maybe the first thing you should do is look at what's happening in that classroom and maybe consider moving them to another one."
"It never occurred to me to move him to another class," she said miserably. She had her face in her hand.
"And perhaps you should put some rules in place about how bullying."
"We've discussed it before in staff meetings, but we've never put down a policy about it. I guess we need to."
"It never occurred to me it could be a problem in children this young," I admitted.
"Oh, it does. Even with the toddlers, you can spot that one child who's a little smaller and a little more timid. That's the one that gets bit by all the others. I tell the teachers to move that child away from the others, and to keep an eye on them."
"Well, I hated to take up so much of your time, but I felt like I needed to for my own peace of mind. If anything like this happens to someone else's child, I wanted you to have some insights about what might be going on, and maybe things can be resolved a little faster and with a little less trauma for everyone involved."
"I'm so glad you came in. I needed to know this stuff. Thank you."
She looked like she meant it.
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Dude, you rock!
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But I am glad you tried.
I know my son has done better this year partly because he isn't bullied as much. Last year, the teacher made up a nickname for him (that was uncomplimentary) and it was downhill from there for him. He got picked on a lot. Bullying makes a child feel powerless over time.
What I am most glad of is that you found a way to make your son happy and well-cared for:)
But congrats for going back. That isn't always easy.
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You've helped make one little corner of the world of a better place for little people like Sweet Pea who don't have the fluency or eloquence necessary to stand up for themselves.
*standing ovation for
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Evil thrives when good people stand by and do nothing. I can't do much about evil in general, but I'm trying to not let it thrive on my dime and my time, at least.
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My heart's desire would be that she be removed from the classroom, but asking them to fire her probably wouldn't have got me very far. I think the main problem was her failure to intervene in bullying that was going on right under her nose, and that is what I wanted to bring to their attention.
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whats even better, is that he's back to being himself and doesnt have that excess stress to keep him stifled!
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His new baby sitter genuinely likes him. Most every day is a good day, and she doesn't sweat the small stuff, she deals with it. He's doing great. :D