Jan. 18th, 2011

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In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I wasn’t getting near enough sleep. As a result of this, the areas under my eyes were swollen, like my face was providing little pillows to invite my eyelids to drop down and take a snooze. It looked awful.

I read somewhere a long time ago that there is a very simple and effective remedy for this. Maybe not as effective as getting enough sleep would be, but available over the counter (extra time to get much needed sleep still not being available without a prescription): hemorrhoid cream. I read that it works wonders. But I did not immediately run out and buy this magic elixir because of the imaginary 6th grader that lives in my head. If I were to walk into a pharmacy and purchase that particular product, the 6th grader in my head would mock me and say, “ASS cream?! Why are you buying ASS cream?! Are you going to put it on your face?!!!!”

Since the answer is yes, that’s exactly why I would be buying it, I would refuse to answer the 6th grader, who would then exclaim, “Ha! I knew it! Ass-face! Ha-ha! You’re an ass-face!”

I hate that kid, but I hated the bags under my eyes even more. So I punched the 6th grader in her imaginary face and purchased the hemorrhoid cream. For my face. It worked like a charm. I have no regrets. I may have an ass face, but it looks presentable again.

Even the 6th grader in my head agrees.


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